Now that this dark chapter of our country has officially ended, or more accurately begun in earnest, it should be crystal clear how the GOP has created an alternate universe, a place to act out their more basal impulses in the guise of freedom. True to form they continue to contribute nothing, predict nothing, provide excuses for everything and obstruct the rest. More pathetic still is how, when cornered, they either cling to their factoids or flee to their patented all politicians are the problem stance. Biden and his semi-supermajority do represent a different and welcome political chapter, but having so many Americans entrenched in a sociopathic mindset is daunting. As their disorder of choice has blossomed, I warned how it would eventually endanger our republic. Rush Limbaugh’s contributions have not gone unnoticed in this dystopic endeavor and, as for his passing, let’s just say prehensile pundits everywhere have dropped a collective diastolic point today. I still can’t fathom the sheer number of citizens willing to take a stab at psychopathy. Whereas the DSM-V quantifies the anti-social prevalence at about one percent of the population, the GOP represents an astounding thirty-five. So what gives? New studies may add some insights to the terminally insightless.
Cedar Rapids, IA—Earlier today, Iowian native Betty Flood was ‘accidentally’ the recipient of 1.5 million doses of the Pfizer COVID vaccination. While some are calling this injecticide “politically motivated,” others believe this was an attempt by the Biden Administration to appear COVID-competent as they grapple with the logistics of this massive nationwide rollout. An eyewitness claims Mrs. Flood became concerned something was wrong during her five thousandth and twenty-first injection, at which time she was reminded by staff that she was “doing a great thing for America.” One nurse even said not to worry, because “the first million shots were covered under Obamacare.” Shortly before opting out of her health plan and then her life, she told the charge nurse, “Sorry to be a bother, but I was really holding out for Moderna.”
In the interest of combating online and ongoing fake news when posting on social media I started labeling all of my work either ‘opinion’ or ‘satire’. And I am suggesting my friend similarly labels his posts: Factoids Damaging To The Public Discourse. For the latest example, my friend offered his Facebook wisdom entitled: LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT but, as most of you are aware, republicans are simply not capable of getting anything straight. They do get louder and wronger and then resort to all caps, which must be part of the ideologically-dying-process. Face it, ‘straight’ is not their forte. Were any of them handed something straight, they’d immediately jump in a centrifuge and drive Plastic Man to a gay bar in South Bend. Stick with your strengths, Poke, which today is more of a crookedy, pretzely chaos-spiral-like-thing. I almost hate to tell him that the four best ‘points’ he’s made during the pandemic can be categorized as a presidential crime, a lie, an impeachable offense, and a seditious act. Who’s going to tell him? Let’s just drop this post in the cue with a scheduled date, and back away slowly…
Watching the foundations of our republic’s recent rumblings evoked some mixed emotions for this blogger. My sister was furious with my dimsurrection day aloofness. On 1/6 I was more about grabbing the popcorn and watching the show than any angst over our flailing democracy. Look, when you warn of an encroaching problem for decades there’s a certain detachment when said problem finally manifests, in this case in bison-shaman form. I must admit to being a little jealous of our organically grown, free-range seditionist. When the day comes that I storm the Bastille—for the good guys, of course—I hope I can pull off a costume half as epic. He certainly exudes a certain approachable vibe; he’s a snazzy charismatic character, a natural leader, and he prefers organic food. More than any republican politician, journalist, or even your average MAGA-citizen, I believe I can don my cape & banana suit combo, sit down with this man, and bridge our epic ideological divide. Zanonon will grant you an audience, well, provided you make bail.
And where’s that progressive agenda we ordered?! There’s only one way to get progressivism rammed through and I am concerned about unity Joe throwing the hail mary.
Today, the Land of Social Media Censorship—which is also the worst theme park ever—has taken a turn for the worse. President Trump’s recent ban from Twitter on the way out has birther’d a slew of social media rules of engagement, or at least a new emphasis on enforcing terms and conditions of use. As a result, a friend of mine is serving a 12-day Twitter jail sentence, while still another was relegated to 30-day stint behind enemy lines in fascist-controlled Zuckerberg. Both incidents were rather tame, unless schadenfreude is now a crime. My friend Dan’s comment involved wishing Mike Pence an untimely demise, not sure of the exact details, but Dan does tend to get rather colorful with his comments. It’s Okay, he’s British. To quote Douglas Adams, he’s mostly harmless. Meanwhile, another acquaintance abused social media by hoping Ted Cruz’s recent seditious antics landed him in some Texas jail in which, as karma would dictate, he’d eventually be “raped by a cactus.” Now I understand about specific threats, but I am not sure this is what anyone would consider actionable intelligence. Granted, there are a lot of indigenous cacti in the region in question, but then his intentions would need to be somehow relayed to a plant in the succulent family, who would then agree to carry out this heinous act. [The following ‘prison succulent’ joke was removed by WordPress.] In other words, there’s a very low percentage of pulling this off. Granted, if someone ever managed, Ted would be doing some pulling off of his own. On a side note, if he loses his job in the Senate, it would be a real shame if he wouldn’t qualify for Obamacare.
[‘Thornographic’ joke deemed insensitive to desert flora.]
Donaldtown, GY—Mark your calendars, folks, because next November former president Donald J. Trump will be taking his whole basket of deplorables on a magical mystery rally for even more bigly winning! Cult-45 is cordially inviting all of his key peeps to join him at a newly established city of gold, deep in the jungles of South America. The president is believed to have built something he calls a ‘metopia,’ because, as he told his new legal defense team, “There’s no you in you-topia.” He also added, “We have all the merch! MAGA hats, MAGA shirts, MAGA buttons, and all at MAGA discounts!!” When asked to clarify, he said, “Oh, yeah we changed my slogan to Make America Guyana Again. I’ve been trying to get the locals to start hauling blocks to build my Trumple, but so far they’re refusing to drink the—well, you know.”
Tweet Tower—President Trump’s actions in his waning days in office demand his immediate removal and yet somehow the instructions, that should be clearly laid out in the US Constitution, have arrived via Amazon from the Netherlands with some assembly required. Congress is working feverishly to remedy the situation as the fate of our republic hangs in the balance. Amazon is tracking the package of the actual amendment itself, as the instructions seem to have arrived separately. During a press conference, Jeff Bezos admits the package was mistakenly sent to Outer Mongolia but that it is currently being safely sherpa’d to a small town in the Himalayas by a Yeti. Elon Musk has offered to have the package and the Yeti rocketed back to the US, and that Asian physicist with the white hair has offered to help with the assembly of the 25th Amendment, if and when it arrives safely. Thus far Congress remains unsure how to proceed during this anxious waiting period and is flirting with the idea of invoking the: “Hey, do you mind just wandering off quietly” clause.