Washington—President Trump has just made a major announcement. The United Kingdom’s embattled Prime Minister Theresa May has agreed to meditate the debate on border security here in the U.S. in the hopes of reopening the federal government. President Trump thanked the Prime Minister upon her arrival and told reporters, “Now we have two of the best negotiators in the world in the same place, so in my opinion the wall is all but built and the government is all but reopen #WallInTheFamily.”
Liberals are continuing to make a profound mistake hoping for some republican reformation, a day when the Trumpsters of the world will turn some ideological corner toward reason. Even after the next line of political debacles, no matter how costly, their zenwrongness will hold steady. Essentially 1 in 3 people in this country are impervious to reality. Most citizens are ill-informed, for sure, but this one swath of society has almost no chance of joining the vaguely sentient any time soon. They are locked in this political death spiral, forever tacking toward delusion, even as their champion of freedom gets one step closer to legal, economic, and political disaster every day. Liberals are sill holding onto the notion that, post Trump’s carnage, many will see the error of their ways and embrace some more sophisticated worldview. Let me dispel that notion today, in fact, let’s take said notion and separate if from its family, tear gas it, and banish it to parts south.
Tweet Tower—A senior staffer claims President Trump is exploring the idea of setting up carbonite storage facilities along the U.S.-Mexico border to deal with the current immigration problems. In this way asylum seekers can be frozen and stored until such a time as another president from the future, who might actually give a shit, can thaw them for final processing. Mexico is believed to be intrigued by the idea as well, but is pushing to have the facilitates located on the U.S. side of the border.
Brussels, BE—The Brexit summit in Belgium arrived with a hefty side order of sarcasm today. The choice of dessert, a giant banana split, struck a negative chord with at least one member of the accord. Many believe the UK is making a historic blunder by brexiting the EU, so several dignitaries desperately attempted to stifle their laughter as the desserts made their way to the table. “No one is laughing,” said May sternly. “Except, of course, all you people laughing. But let me remind you this is no laughing matter. No really, I’ve been crying myself to sleep for weeks over this. Oh, and the duck was salty!” No duck was served at the event, so many believe this was a very clever pun.
Paramus, NJ—A man is in custody at this hour after being declared the winner of the Garden State Plaza Mall Shop-n-Shoot contest. After a rampage that cost two people their lives and injured several others, Gus Stahl of Maywood, NJ landed a great deal at Best Buy. He made several purchases that likely made gunmen shoppers across the country jealous. Dylan Klebold, of Columbine fame, said, “There were several other Black Friday incidents across the country yesterday, but this guy gets my vote, well, if I could vote. He was a professional. He got in, he got out, no fuss, no muss, and he saved a shit-ton of money. There’s a guy in Delaware who used way more bullets for some Beats. Seriously, dude? Headphones? You’re going to kill a bunch of people and save like, what, fifty bucks? You people make me sick.”
Paradise, CA—A controversial study was published today in The Lancet by Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Coin Op Laundry. Data from the self-proclaimed ‘quantum psychologist’ suggests the height of the smoke plumes from the recent devastating wildfires in California topped that of the average size of Donald Trump’s ego for a brief period of time between the hours of 7:15AM and 9:28AM PST Sunday, November, 17. The White House has thus far refused to comment on the controversial piece of peer reviewed research, which may only further the psychologist’s claim.
Tweet Tower—One of the two presidentially pardoned turkeys is back in the news today. A day after their pardoning ceremony, one of the turkeys, Peas, sent a short and pointed note to the president. After the Feds determined the white powder on the envelope was only meth, the note was handed to President Trump. In a gesture of good faith, Peas is pardoning the president for his hair, his fam, and “that meaningless Trump U degree he received in 2007.” Peas would also like to give a big shout out to those tofurkey people!
My friend thinks Democrats are the main racists in today’s society as well as in the past. So liberals are secretly the alt-right, tiki-torch wielding hate mongers? Too bad that laundromat was closed on my way to Charlottesville. [Sheet out-of-luck joke removed by the editor.] What fun house mirror are you snorting PCP off of? Your trip down racism memory lane has some early signs of Dem-entia. If liberals have managed to weaponize immigration to their political advantage, it might actually balance the active voter suppression efforts of the Republican party. Besides, if immigrants are helping to oust the worst regime this country has ever seen—next to Dubya, of course—than kudos! My blogvesary, after losing every argument in the 21st century, is climbing into Mr. Peabody’s Way Back Machine for the sole purpose of arguing how Republicans were the progressives on the lead up to the civil war. What? An orange, Mussolini-like wrecking ball is occupying the oval office, right now! Look at him! Look at him! Stop trying to hide behind Jackson v Lincoln, which has little to no relevance.
Retraction Alert: you would not be the guy in 1930s Germany ignoring the rise of Hitler only to hyper-focus on the shortcomings of his rival, Hindenburg; you’d be the guy attributing the problems of the day to the Teutonic knights, who never should have let those liberal Templars “suck all the fun out of the 12th century.”
This article is in response to Pokey McDooris’s most recent, here.
Manhattan Beach, CA—A dolphin is dead after being gunned down on a southern California beach earlier today. Witnesses of the incident claim that the dolphin was trying to avoid a pod of orcas by intentionally beaching itself when one of the orcas rose out of the water and fired a burst of shots at the flailing sea mammal. This opens a grim new chapter to the aquatic gun rights problem, as orcas can legally carry firearms in U.S. waters, just as anything else with fins, gills and feathers.
Since day one of this rag’s inception I’ve warned how this is a race between the death of the Republican party and the death of our nation. Unfortunately taking back the House falls short of what the situation demanded. Granted the odds of winning the senate were always grim, but the integrity or our courts are lost for a generation and Fox & Frauds will continue to placate this orange pariah as we race toward ruin. We’ve shot beyond the point of no return on our planet’s viability, on our court’s authoritarianism, and on our overall drift toward fascism. Even our booming economy is showing signs of losing sight of the shoreline as our deficits hit $22-trillion this month while the president guts the last of the Wall Street regulations and consumer protections. Remember what a big deal deficits were when Obama was forced to create a new economic model to avoid the Bush Depression? Now that they’re skyrocketing, for no actual reason, let’s go back to ignoring them. Barring the slim chance of an annulment our judicial system is locked on authoritarian mode. Trust me, ideologically speaking they’ll land somewhere between Federalists and Nazi Federalists. But I’ll let you be the inquisitor. And, to save himself, our president may attempt to become a permanent fixture over on 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. So I have only one more question for you, my friend, how the hell did you miss all of this shit?
[Benghazi joke removed by the editor, placed in a small box, and buried with the hamster in the backyard.]