Kabul, Afghanistan – An estimated “shit load” of Afghans turned out for elections on August 19^th, despite the inherent dangers.  However, a growing number of locals are fed up with democracy and are looking back nostalgically at Taliban rule.

“Why vote for the next American puppet?” said Abiba Azizi, pictured above. “I miss the good old days of Sharia Law.  They used to chop the heads off of gay people right in the field before sporting events.  The Taliban used to kick some of these heads around the field like soccer balls.  Oh, how I miss their carefree hijinks.”

When asked why her finger was purple if she didn’t vote, Abiba said, “This is the way my finger always looks after my husband slams it repeatedly in the door.”

When concerns were raised about her current interview without her husband’s permission, she replied, “As long as I follow strict Sharia Law, the lashings usually aren’t too bad.”

At the close of the interview, Abiba was complimented on her burkha.  She replied, “Burkha?  I’m not wearing a Burkha. I’m just a little black and blue from my last affront to Allah.”

New York, NY – Disney isn’t the only amusement park struggling these days.  Six Flags headquarters has announced their plan to downsize all existing amusement parks by “at least two flags.”  Great Adventure, located in Jackson, NJ, will be losing over 65% of its rides and will be renamed Pretty Good Adventure.  Magic Mountain in California, having lost nearly all of its magic, will be renamed Muggle Mountain.  The name was inspired by the non-magical folk of Harry Potter fame.  Sadly, the R.K. Rowling lawsuit has forced the theme park into utter and complete bankruptcy.

“I knew we should have gone with Tragic Mountain,” said CEO of Six Flags, Jack Peters.

Peters went on to announce that Hurricane Harbor in Illinois will now be renamed Gale Force Wind World.

“You will still need to hold onto your hats, folks,” says Peters.  “Just not as tightly.”

Peters’ dream of being cryogenically frozen alongside Walt Disney is slipping away faster than, as he put it, “a grease monkey on a log flume.”  The distraught CEO is pleading for a bailout so that at least his own personal golden parachute ride might still function properly as he sails into early retirement.

Washington, DC – Police questioned Rahm Emanuel shortly after the death of conservative journalist, Robert Novak, and they are now calling him a ‘Sith of interest’. Emanuel’s interview with the police only further implicated Obama’s Chief of Staff.

“Look,” said Emanuel, “sure we put the dead horse’s head in his bed, but we only wanted to scare the bastard.”

When asked at a press conference why he and several Secret Service Officers were recently questioning Novak, Emanuel replied, “He could have told me who really outed CIA operative Valerie Plame. Armitage was a fall guy. I told Novak, Plame or Pain. He chose poorly, is all, but that doesn’t mean I killed him.”

Our own Bald Tony prodded Emanuel further by asking, “Isn’t it true that a Sith Lord can cause a brain tumor similar to the one that killed Novak by manipulating the dark side of the Force?”

Emanuel dismissed the question just as our own beloved reporter crumpled into a lifeless heap. Emanuel chose to end the press conference by saying, “Who’s the Prince of Darkness now, bitch? Oh and Ozzy, watch your ass.”

In Loving Memory of the Great Bald One 2008 – 2009

He’s not quite dead….

He’s getting better….

Philadelphia, PA – Earlier today the Philadelphia Eagles signed Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme, of Charles Manson fame, to a 5-yr. deal as their new public relations spokeswoman.

“Squeaky has signed on for $1.2M the first year,” said Head Coach Andy Reid. “Celebrities don’t come cheap.  I’m confident she’s served her time and won’t be aiming any unloaded guns at Presidents anymore.”

Reid reports being pleased with the signing of Michael Vick, particularly amidst the dog days of summer.  The logic behind hiring Squeaky, on the other hand, seemed less obvious to this reporter.

When asked, Reid said, “Bottom line, she’s close to my age, kind of cute, and I have always wanted to find out why they call her Squeaky.”

Reid indicated that Vick and Fromme are the first two in an anticipated long line of ex-con-tracts.

“Do you remember in the movie Slap Shot when that team stacked the deck with all kinds of vile sorts to combat the Hanson Brothers?  Well, that movie was on last week.  I’m not saying it influenced our decision, but I’m not saying it didn’t either.  Hell, I’d recruit Manson himself, if he ever gets out.  Marilyn, of course, Charlie scares the shit out of me.”

Reid indicated the Eagles organization is scouting all the major penitentiaries in the U.S. for fresh talent.

“Heck, if they released everyone in Gitmo tomorrow, we might need a whole new league, like in that movie. League of their own? Slap Shot.? Ain’t you been listening?”

When asked if he had any regrets about not starting this ex-con initiative sooner, Reid said, “I only wish we’d snagged that Birdman of Alcatraz fellow.  Did he have Eagles?  Oh and Obama, could you please pardon Scooter Libby? Scooter and Squeaky has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

Washington, DC – Rahm Emanuel met with Nancy Pelosi for several hours today behind closed doors.  At precisely 11:00 AM (EDT) the Obama Administration announced their decision to appoint the current Speaker of the House to the position of  U.S. Death Czar.

“Cheney got death squads, so we get death panels,” said Emanuel. “Fair is fair.”

Emanuel believes there is money to be saved by not insuring the chronologically challenged.  If enough Americans “opt” for their Democratically Imposed Early Demise (DIED), our Democratic overlords believe we can put this ‘great recession’ to sleep, so to speak.

These death panels could also have the extra added advantage of boosting supplies for Obama’s struggling Soylent Green program.

The Obama Administration is describing these death panels as a “win-win for Americans, particularly young healthy Americans.”

Pelosi states the process is simple, “At age fifty a doctor Kevorkian-type figure will arrive at your house and play a game with you, a game much like ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’. Despite some of the misinformation, we are still very serious about members’ choices.  But for God’s sake, don’t pick rock!”

Louisville, KY – Francis Melman, a junior at Liberty County High School, is challenging his school system with a rather novel defense.  Mr. Melman has a list of reasons why he flunked most of his classes at LCHS this year, but his main defense boils down to “I’m too big to fail.”

Melman told reporters, “To heck with Citigroup and AIG.  I could eat AIG for lunch.  It would probably taste better than the crap they serve around here.”

The student’s teacher, Mrs. Wrinkleman, believes his defense is “completely unfounded,” and, on an unrelated note, added, “I only had sex with him twice.”

According to Mrs. Wrinkleman, Francis Melman is an underachiever in other areas as well.  Melman denies allegations that his weight impacted his sexual performance, and claims the extra pounds may have actually helped.

Melman told reporters, “Not seeing that wrinkly ass was a huge bonus, not like an AIG bonus, but pretty big”.

Melman is planning to appeal the board’s decision that he get the hell out of the room, asshole.

“Sure I’m going to appeal,” said Melman. “Next time, I think I’m gonna come at it from Bush’s No Child Left Behind policy.  Heck, that child probably weighs less than my left behind.  Think of it this way: failing me is like flunking a whole class of hobbits”.