This is the first non-fiction headline to appear on The Discord. It’s not ours. Discord News Alert: we can not compete with this. It’s important to understand one’s limitations as this is simply beyond our current comedic abilities. To add insult to spoofery, on the same day our lead anchor, Matt Mathewson, informed me of a second headline: Red Power Ranger Murders Roommate With Conan Sword. Seeing headlines like these should inspire me, but they only compel me to attack random diners in some Waffle House with a Conan sword, preferably naked.

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