Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How can I become a Shamen?  I really don’t like pain and I have asthma real bad.  Will that be a problem?

Sincerely,

Tim Lions

Seattle, WA

Dear Tim,

First off, to become a Shaman one must learn how to fucking spell Shaman!  You spelled it right in my name, dipshit.  I am feeling generous today.  Since I am a healer, just send me twenty dollars and I will make you a Shaman. Send me twenty more and I’ll see about your asthma. Oh, and if the check should bounce, just remember that my friends are ancient Mayan gods.

The Ghetto Shaman