Tweet Tower—A senior staffer claims President Trump is exploring the idea of setting up carbonite storage facilities along the U.S.-Mexico border to deal with the current immigration problems. In this way asylum seekers can be frozen and stored until such a time as another president from the future, who might actually give a shit, can thaw them for final processing. Mexico is believed to be intrigued by the idea as well, but is pushing to have the facilitates located on the U.S. side of the border.
Key Least, FL—The effects of climate change is set to the dash the hopes and dreams of one intrepid man and the small island community who shares his vision. Stanley Dorkmeyer, a huge fan of the Star Wars franchise, is bent on crafting his homeland into the same specifications as Han Solo’s ship, the Millennium Falcon. Dorkmeyer conceived of the original concept in 1977, shortly after the release of the original Star Wars film. If more damaging storms, coastal flooding and mass extinctions do not resonate with you, hopefully the plight of this small island will move you to climate action. Dorkmeyer, now 57, is still living on the island in his parent’s basement.
Middle-Jersey—Rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a feckless tweet #yada yada. Meanwhile, in a Starbucks in Glen Ridge, New Jersey, the last of the ‘Resistance’ gathered and agreed to schlep the One Subpoena to the very shadow of Trump Tower. Yeah, good luck with that with bridge and tunnel traffic!
A long time ago during an allegation far, far away—Darth Caedus is citing the forcible kiss planted on his mother’s lips during Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back as the impetus behind his father’s eventual slaying. The Sith Lord told the Discord, “The so called ‘light’ side of the force is fraught with actual force against princesses. Han Solo was kissing her without permission and C3PO was always grabbing my mom’s ass. Heck, I don’t even want tell you what that Wookie did during episode VI. Pig! Speaking of pigs, those pig gaurds from Return of the Jedi were pretty damn frisky as well. My mother once said being chained to Jabba the Hutt was preferable to the intergalactic grope-fest that occurred each day on the set.”