Through Rove-Colored Glasses: The GOP Fail (Part 1)

Mick Zano

I have called for the Republican Party to disband. I don’t make this statement lightly, nor am I kidding myself that their reign of terror is by any means over. It’s all just wishful blogging. But if you call for reform for a decade and it only gets worse…tootles. Don’t let the Capitol Building doors hit you on the ass on the way out. Really, those steps are steep.

I have a score card. I pitted yours truly, a joke spoof-news bloggerist, against Fox News & the GOP. Oh, and NO you can’t call the last decade a mulligan. Any recent improvement on their part is greatly exaggerated. Any reforms seem motivated by losing seats, nothing remotely resembling self-reflection. So Karl Rove has stepped up to lead their makeover? Great.

People seem no longer capable of looking at issues through any semblance of independent thought. I identified this disturbing trend years ago. Check out one of my articles in 2008. Knowing someone’s views on the death penalty should not, in and of itself, determine how you fall on every other issue of our time. This is a failure of all media, right and left. Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens mentioned this phenomenon three years later during a conversation, here. I’ll refrain from another I-told-you-so moment. The Right only has a series of this-is-why-we’re-still-right-despite-all-evidence moments. Hell, even when they’re right on principle, they seem insistent on blowing every issue like Senator Craig at a truck-stop glory hole…what? Too soon?

I tried to focus this contest on key junctures and key issues of our time. I combined Fox News & the GOP, as history will damn them equally. I briefly summed up the old stuff as not to beat a dead elephant, yet some undeniable patterns keep emerging like Senator Craig’s feet from under a truck stop bathroom stall. What? …he has a wide stance.

Oh, and I’m doing this in reverse order so people who are over the whole 2003-thing can, skim, or stop reading, or switch back to porn…you know, the usual. Oh, and I simply tied them into James Bond films out of sheer boredom:

Immigration:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: They have a real point here. I know, I know…weird. We should enforce the immigration laws on our books and secure our borders, but then they still manage to lose the argument—this time through a delicate blend of xenophobia and stupidity. Not to be confused with Xenaphobia: the fear of sexy amazon warrior women (Amazon.com joke omitted).

Hint: illegals will only stop coming here when you stop hiring them to cut your lawns and your solution to build a physical wall along our southern border is the dumbest thing I have ever heard since…well, since the last time I turned on Fox News.

½ a point – GOP

(Hey, they identified the problem, only out of fear and paranoia, but it’s still extraordinarily insightful…for them).

Zano’s position: The GOP wants a big wall so no one else can get in, yet they personally need Enrique and his five children at the sweatshop to keep the overhead down. They deserve that cheap labor, damn it! But no one else does. There’s a similar theme with their, “My family needs all those entitlements, but please make them unavailable for everyone else” clause.

First off, almost no one is sneaking into our country post-Bush. Have you seen the numbers? Or, in this case, number? More people are joining scientology these days—even when they mention the Xenu part (not to be confused with Xenu: Warrior Princess). Deja groaner alert. Most who are still entering our country illegally are drug mules, which my War on Drugs policy will address shortly.  But I am still hoping my guy makes it across; it’s medicinal. I have glaucoma in my right eye…or mustard. I’m sure it’s one of the two. Gulden Eye? All right, I’m already giving up on the Bond theme thing.

How about this for an answer: try enforcing hiring practices? Problem solved. Wow, that was hard. Then those five people who remain should have some type of path toward citizenship. Building the Great Wall of Stupid and deporting nine million people on buses is something Michele Bachmann dreams up when she’s not smearing her living room walls with pig’s blood.

One point – Zano.

Warmers: Climate Change You Can’t Believe In:

The GOP & Fox News’ Position: Climate change is all political. Polar bear deaths are all staged by Al Gore, so don’t mess with the markets. Drill baby drill! …View to a Spill? Okay, I lied.

Zero points – GOP

For this one they should lose a gazillion. They are the only group—not just in America, but on Earth—who won’t even acknowledge What’s Happening…and, frankly, that was one of the best shows of the late 70’s. “Hey, HEY, hey.” That never gets old. Republicans are willing to gamble with mankind’s entire future based on Fox News Facts (It Can Hannity Tomorrow joke omitted for your protection).

Zano’s Position: This is the Republican’s big gamble…Casino Royale? I realize Al Gore and others politicized the issue, which I always warned would backfire, but the warm remain the same:

  1. A change of some type is happening (Duh).
  2. We don’t know exactly what percentage is attributed to mankind (especially the math-impaired Right).
  3. Either way pollution = bad.

Deep stuff. Yeah, deep stuff for the GED…sorry, GOP. See my related article here. Climate change or a mass extinction of this magnitude generally shouldn’t be perceivable in a single lifetime, but in this case it actually is. So even if you don’t understand something we elitists like to call science, you can simply look outside (hint: try taking off those Rove-colored glasses). The fact we’re losing eight Lake Erie’s worth of glacial ice each year is frightening; the fact half our country is ignoring this fact is astounding.

One of the last skeptics, Nicholas Stern, now thinks we’re on a four degree trajectory upward. Oopsies. Four degrees is bordering on a species ending hike. So much for the last naysayer. But, more importantly, I am three degrees to Bacon. Sizzle. My friend Vicki knew Kevin back in Philly (back Bacon joke omitted). So beat that Republicans! Thank you, sir, may I have a glacier?

“The Foxeteers call them Warmers. I call them Birthers with brains.”

—Mick Zano

In my same article It Might Not Happen Tomorrow so Keep Polluting, I begged the important question: how did Dennis Quaid, in Arctic conditions and with only tennis shoes strapped to his feet, walk from Philadelphia to NYC in about ten minutes to save his children? I don’t even think Republicans understand the implausibility, especially when one considers all of the tolls. Tollraker?

One point – Zano.

Energy Sustainability:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: Putting the words energy and sustainability together is meaningless to a Republican, much like the words scientific method, historical context, or evidence based. They feel we must continue to fund nuclear, coal, and big oil. That’s not a punch line. See China for how well that’s working out. Gas mask sold separately.

Okay, that’s really Japan, but you get the idea. I don’t care who loses their job, if you went into the coal industry in the last 15 years with a conscience or a clue, you should have already been job hunting.  Fox & Friends recently had a whole segment on solar energy and why it can only work in Germany. Their conclusion?

“…Because it’s so much sunnier there.”

Yes, the sun only shines in Germany. That’s not a joke, that’s a Fox News quote. Yes indeed, sunny old Stuttgart. Oh, those balmy beaches of Berlin, those blue skies of Babenhausen! Slate Mag covered their schitznick here. Meanwhile, cloudy-as-shit Germany is approaching 50% solar. Ah, those cloudless climbs of Crailsheim! Sorry, I have more but I’ll Rheinfrain. Ah, those rainless runs through Ratzeburg! I mean it this time… Maybe I can snap out of this by thinking of a Bond film. Der Man mit den Golden Schitzengruben? Sorry, my German’s rusty, but my Mel Brooks references remain as sharp as ever.

I think Bobby Jindal’s plea to “not be the dumb party” is going swimmingly. Hey, maybe they should try to evolve into the Silly Party. Talk about an upgrade!

Tarquin Fin- tim- lin- bin- whin- bim- lin- bus- stop- F’tang- F’tang- Olé-Biscuitbarrel was unavailable for comment

Oh, those crystal clear days in Düsseldorf! Sorry, miles away. Actually, I believe this part is calculated. This is your evil lobbyists at work. Of course, everything else they said during that Fox & Friends segment was stupid. Of course, if you corner a Foxeteer on the subject, they will all say in unison, “Traditional fuel sources are a bridge to get us from here to there.” Yeah, another bridge to no clouds Nowhereinstadt!

No points – GOP

Zano’s position: I agree with Fox News on this much: most attempts at going green have thus far sucked. Of course, the Right is rooting against green energy, which is another insightful move on their part. I know only this: the Right is wrong. How can it be otherwise? In the near future, a hundred miles of solar desert panels could supply 50% of our country’s demand. The technology exists today, but moving it to where it is needed will require some innovation. So flipping innovate already! Solyndra II anyone?

See the difference?

Liberal scandals = we need to try that again but succeed.

Republican scandals = let us never speak of that again…well, until the military tribunal. 

Whereas investing in the future and failing may be a “scandal”, not even understanding the importance to our planet and to our viability as a species is an F-ing crime.

If we want to have a future we will work diligently toward solar energy or something like it. Should we follow the Germans or the Christian Fundamentalists? Hmmm. Let me pray on it. Those warm Wednesdays in Waldfleigenbergen! Sorry. I made that town up…kind of like Fox does for their news segments. Sorry, but I spent some time in Germany and I think I saw the sun once.  

One point – Zano

The War on Drugs:

The GOP & Fox News’ position: Foxeteers intently want to keep throwing hundreds of millions of dollars each year towards this lost cause in the name of fiscal conservatism, aka, the usual. Even Mexico is begging us to stop singlehandedly keeping their drug cartels in business.

No points – GOP

Zano’s position: By every measure known to math-kind the “War on Drugs” is an abysmal failure. Hey, maybe that’s why the GOP has an affinity for it? I covered this recently during my interview with Cokie McGrath. Check it. The argument to keep waging this “war” through incompetence is growing thinner and thinner. Working in the field, I would guestimate 7 out of 10 addiction counselors believe most aspects of our War on Drugs have failed. We need to legalize marijuana, shift funds to education, and then tax the shit out of it. We can put an estimated half the cartels out of business overnight. I care about what 7 out of 10 addiction counselors think about this issue. I don’t care what 7 out of 10 Foxeteers think—er, unless I’m applying my do-the-flipping-opposite formula. Legalization, of pot at the very least, is inevitable. It’s only a question of how many lives we will ruin and how much money we will waste getting from here to there. Weed the People?…Bowlfinger?

One point – Zano

A UK summary:

“Since 2006, the Mexican government has undertaken a US-backed crackdown on drug cartels. Estimates suggest that around 60,000 people have been murdered, and the number of deaths is still rising. At the same time, in countries like Britain, we’re buying more and more of the drugs that flow through Mexico. Our prohibition approach has failed to stop drug use, and it puts money in the hands of narco-terrorists and international criminals. Despite 50 years of criminalization, illicit drugs are now the third most valuable industry in the world, after food and oil.”

—Julian Huppert, The Guardian

Or a UK-type blogger here:

“So we have a huge amount of money to cut and save. Why not start with re-classifying cannabis according to science not bigotry, and deploying police resources on actual crimes worthy of the name?”

—Andrew Sullivan

The War on Terror:

The GOP & Fox News’s position: This has been beat to death, like many at Guantanamo, badum-bum. Bush, for all of his expansions of executive power, SUCKED at actually getting the bad guys…oh, but he did destroy our Constitution real good.

No points – GOP

Zano: Obama’s approach worked on Al-Qaeda, but the biggest scandal of his tenor—actually, the only noteworthy one—is the current lack of checks and balance for our drone program. The other GOP scandals are nonsense. Proof? Boehner backs it and Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), “applauds the President’s drone program!” These are men whose accomplishments wouldn’t fill a 16-font one page pamphlet. In fact, it would still be shorter than Jon Stewart’s: Famous Jewish Sports Legends.

And, sorry, the Muslim Awakening was inevitable. It doesn’t mean we’re rooting for it just because we won’t support bombing the shit out of every budding democracy or theocracy. There’s just no good solutions for such a large group of tribal/theocratic nut jobs. I’m talking about the Middle East this time, not the GOP. Most of the change over there is up to them. I realize that’s a true statement, yet completely meaningless to a Foxeteer.  Besides, we have much less power, credibility, and options post-Bush. We also don’t have a Justice Department post-Bush. I think the GOP finally took notice of this one. I warned them about this shit circa 2006. I’ll say it again, Alberto Gonzales made Eric Holder possible. Hey, but thanks for not listening. My old post here.

One point – Zano

Stay tuned next week when I continue to gut the GOP’s ideology like a fish. Same Blog time, same Blog channel.  Oh, those days sunbathing in sun shiny Saarbrücken! Sorry.

Picture Taken During Hamburg’s Rainy Season

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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