76 search results for "Rome"

Help! My Seemingly Sane Friend Wants To Teardown Our Republic Based On Limbaugh-Level Logic

by Mick Zano • June 3, 2018

How does The GOP respond to another looming rightwing catastrophe? They flip the script, of course. We’re not the constitutional crisis, you and your lib-leaning FBI are the constitutional crisis. And even if Trump does turn out to be the crisis, you libs made Trump by having the audacity to call xenophobes bigots. The FBI is lousy with hipster spooks, lousy with them, I say! If Mueller’s findings end up sidelined, we should be storming the old Bastille, yet my blogvesary is focusing on “Spygate”? …you know, another fictional scandal with half the calories of Pizzagate. You have a super majority, dude, so of course we’ll investigate your feigned outrage. We always explore the rightwing conspiracy theory of the day and we do this while the last of society’s intelligentsia remains neutered. Castration without representation?

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by Mick Zano • April 12, 2018

Rome, IT—Many are voicing their concern with the decision to “upgrade” Michelangelo’s work The Creation of Adam, which adorns the ceiling of Rome’s famous Sistine Chapel. The painting now depicts President Donald Trump and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan in the role of God and Adam. These changes took place shortly after the announcement of Ryan’s pending retirement. Those in Italy who really strive for a balanced budget seem happy with the move, but others are claiming the priceless work has been irreparable defaced.

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by Mick Zano • May 7, 2017

Rome—Today the Pope, who usually tends to pooh pooh the intentional summoning of demons, unveiled his controversial plans to take down President Trump with an ancient evil. The Pope apparently stumbled upon the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis in the Vatican while “poking around the basement.” Many fear that since discovering the book, The Pope has become obsessed with it. “It’s a good read,” said the Pope. “The Kandarian Demons and their Deadite minions really out did themselves on this one. The book also makes reference to a Kandarian Dagger, but the basement in the Vatican is an impossible mess. Maybe if we had a garage sale or something.”

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by Mick Zano • March 6, 2017

Back around 1840, Horace Greely encouraged pioneers to “go west, young man” with decidedly mixed results. He likely made this proclamation safely from a Greenwich Village pub. In that spirit of spirits, on this the first day of the week, aka Mojito Monday, I’m encouraging a shift progressiveward. Half measures will no longer suffice (see: Obamacare, or Hillary Campaign). Go big, or go Rome. We must run on a more progressive platform. Republicans keep doubling down on their wrongness, so why not double down on our rightness? Novel idea, eh? If you follow political trends, our nation tends to muddle through under liberal-centrists, but struggles mightily under more conservative leadership. So let’s do something completely different! Let’s break away from the indifferent model. We’ve thoroughly vetted the pragmatic political passivity approach, which, like that depressed body builder, stopped working out. Apapathetic?

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by Mick Zano • August 22, 2016

Here’s a homework assignment for those disenfranchised Sanders supporters among us. Besides learning how to count delegates correctly, I want you all to direct your youthful angst toward a certain government agency. It’s called the Drug Enforcement Agency. They are the ones shooting your dog and arresting your loved ones for harmless substances. Crack lives matter! Look, even I do retractions and I am just a spoof news satirist, which I believe means I worship Clown Satan (sorry, I never studied). So who is the 2016 Gold Medal winner for lack of retractions? You guessed it, the DEA. After five years of legal proceedings, marijuana will remain a Schedule 1 substance. Ballistic does not begin to capture the adjectives swirling around my head right now, so let’s add the DEA to the coveted Hall Of Things That No Longer Serve A Purpose. Recap: you lost the War on Drugs, badly, and now let’s add your stunning loss to the War on Reason. They should be part of John Oliver’s How Is This Still A Thing?

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by Mick Zano • August 16, 2016

Youngstown, OH—During a key foreign policy speech this week, presumptive republican nominee Donald Trump referred to the sitting president as the “founder of ISIS”. Initially Mr. Trump defended his statement as did many prominent republicans familiar with the delusional arts. The Donald then changed tact by downgrading his remarks to a form of sarcasm. When it was explained how sarcasm implies wit or irony and that his statement was neither, Mr. Trump replied, “I meant a pun. It’s a Yuuge pun! Or what’s it called when a word is spelled the same way backward?” Mr. Trump was then explained that the palindrome for ISIS is SISI, which is not particular funny and somewhat plagiaristic.

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by Mick Zano • April 25, 2016

What is our cultural identity and why is it important? What does it mean to be an American in the 21^st century? We are very divided, which has implications for both our identity and our future. Amidst any discussion these days, bipartisanship breaks out faster than a Ferguson Missouri Trump rally riot. Today, the Republican fringe is preparing for a holy war and factions of our New Age liberals are worried about an alien invasion from Nibiru. Hmmm, so how do we reconcile these two groups? Onward Christian Mulder?

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by Mick Zano • February 24, 2016

Federalsburg, MD—Thirteen bald eagles were found dead in eastern Maryland today. Some are theorizing this was a suicide pact as witnesses describe the birds as “flying directly into American flags like kamikazes.” It is believed one eagle from each of the original 13 colonies flew to Maryland as part of a suicide pact to protest Donald Trump’s current success in the Republican nominee primaries. Either that or the eagles decided they couldn’t go on without Glenn Fry.

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by Mick Zano • October 19, 2015

I think Trump is saying his immigration policies could have prevented Benghazi. Sometimes it’s tough to interpret stupideze. Retraction: it’s always tough interpreting stupideze. Republican leadership is warning The Donald that he better start sticking to the script, after all, republicans only have one script (Flesch-Kincaid grade level 3).

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by Mick Zano • October 18, 2015

When George W. Bush guessed history would compare him to Truman, I knew he was smoking crack. Kidding, he would have ‘presidented’ much better on crack. While he was banking on the whole eventually-history-will-dig-me premise, I knew he would ultimately be compared to Kim Kardashian (at least gluteuphorically). I believe that’s a Palin-drome. Meanwhile, Obama clearly has a fighting chance at the Truman Show. Granted, most of his cards are resting in the Iran nuke-basket—a basket that could mushroom at any moment. Khrushchev at ground zero? Sorry, it’s a Weird Al joke.