Presidential Race In Statistical Dead Heat Among Trump Campaign Staffers

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Trump Tower—The Trump campaign is still confident of either a decisive win on November 35th, or at least a golden opportunity to cry foul. Team Trump is now flaunting a recent Donald poll as proof the race is much tighter than it appears. Donald Trump told reporters, “We have proof I’m winning. We conducted our own poll, a very scientific poll, using only the best science. The best. If the election were held today for the people in my office, as long as that bitch Betty wasn’t around, we would have this thing wrapped up.” When asked if such a small sample can really have any relevance to how the nation may vote next month, Trump said, “Sure it can. This office is a slice of Americana. We have Ben over there, who isn’t exactly black but he’s clearly darker than anyone else the room. We have both genders represented, mostly, and even one very, very short dude. The guy is practically a midget and, as you probably already know, we’re killing it with midgets, creepy clowns, and everyone else in the carnival and/or circus industries.”

Trump’s Campaign Manager, Kellyanne Conway, told The Discord today, “I have written a prepared statement that I’m just going to read from now on each and every time I’m asked something (throat clear). I don’t know what Mr. Trump just told you, but why does the media keep harping on this great man and drilling him on these trivial things that he may or may not have said or done ten or even fifteen minutes ago? …without the aid of a teleprompter? I think what he really meant to convey with his words was a message of inclusion and unity, something all Americans can really rally around in this dark period we find ourselves. I haven’t heard his most recent statement to which you are referring, but I can say I don’t think that’s what he meant. What the media refuses to cover is how he’s going to continue to be a beacon of freedom, he’s going to defeat ISIS his first day in office, and he’s going to get our country so many good deals we will all actually become sick of winning.”

Statistical guru Nate Silver is questioning Trump’s claims. “Even if the general election were held today, only at Trump campaign headquarter, and even if ‘that bitch Betty’ was not permitted to vote, Hillary still has an edge 55% to 45%.”

That Bitch Betty was unavailable for comment.

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