The CRANK MANIFESTO: The Sheer Stupidity Of Going “Green”

The Crank

I understand full well the entire diatribe of reasons why we need to get the needle full of foreign oil out of our collective veins. But the main reason remains this: so the fucking Middle East can go back to lobbing sandbags at each other with catapults even the Geico Cavemen would laugh at.  Other expedient energy sources are fine, provided they pass the smell test.  In my own State of Arizona (as well as my regular state of confusion) it should be illegal to build a house without some form of solar energy. It’s called the Valley of the Sun here for a reason, which, of course, is why Nancy Pelosi is pushing for a Phoenix Hydroelectric plan.  Twit.  If you have ever tried to play golf in July here, it’s like the surface of the sun. The skin coming off my back in sheets is a testament to that. You could pee your pants in front of your mother-in-law at 120 degrees and 6% humidity and she wouldn’t know it.  I’m just saying…theoretically.  It’s the only state where your eyeballs actually shrivel. Up until recently, the brain sturgeons on the HOA’s wouldn’t even let you put up a solar panel for fear of ruining you neighbors view! Blistering dorks all.

If I lived around Yellowstone, or in Greenland, I would insist on thermal energy. Ah yes, Yellowstone, natures hot tub, our primordial stew, as it were.  I camp out there often in the hopes that a vertebrate Democrat might one day climb out.

Thermal energy is about the end of my tolerance for these yutzes.  Unless Obamamama plans on spending my great grandchild’s income on updating the entire electric grid, we are all in for an epic fail that magical day when everyone buys their 2010 Chevy Volt. In a few short days, we’ll fry our national grid like raccoons on the third rail.  You’ll see nothing but smoke and the smell of burning oil from their transformers clear into the stratosphere. 

Hybrids, lets talk Hybrids. Jeremy Clarkson said it best in his review of the new Honda Insight in the London Times: “The nickel for the battery has to come from somewhere, Canada usually. It has to be shipped to Japan, not on a sailing boat, I presume. And then it must be converted, not in a tree house, into a battery, and then that battery must be transported, not on an ox cart, to the Insight production plant in Suzuka. And then the finished car has to be shipped, not by Thor Heyerdahl, to Britain, where it can be transported, not by wind, to the home of a man with a beard who thinks he’s doing the world a favor.”


The company in Canada that mines the nickel has the WORST record on environmental pollution of any such company in the world, except China. If the same bearded man from Clarkson-land had purchased a locally made SUV, his “carbon footprint” would move from Lou Ferrigno size to Hannah Montana size. But I’m sure he impresses his like-minded friends.

Now onto florescent lighting. Soon all the U.S. will be forced to buy only the squiggle funny shaped mercury-laden bulbs that you can’t dim, all to save the world. The problem is my noble peons, the Chinese folks that mine the mercury for the bulb are minus the benefit of basic protection, education, or unions.  They are poisoning themselves and the local environment at an alarming rate.

Feeling green, yet? Yeah?  It may just be nausea.

Oh yeah, to meet Obamanation’s new CAFÉ fuel standards, our new cars will be dangerously small and light (they’re only heavy on the bad karma). Check out the crash worthiness tests from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. These Matchbox Cars save you money all right. You won’t need to purchase a coffin.  They can just lower you into the hole after the Jaws of Life fail to extract your libertard ass.

Fuck global warming.  Winter sucks a big wet one anyway.  We as a Nation, have lots of drilling to do right here. Offshore drilling MUST happen. The Exxon Valdez was 30 years ago, you tree hugging unshaven green teethed idiots.  Get over it. I want energy I can afford to buy. Clean energy I can’t afford to purchase is a waste of everyone’s time, with the exception of the Green lobbyists, those Congressional “Remoras” that hang on to our politicos to rid them of excess money that may be hanging around their gill slits.

I ♥ dead dinosaurs


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