President Trump To Pardon Roseanne Barr

Tweet Tower—Earlier today the president of ABC, Channing Dungey, announced the cancellation of their top-rated sitcom Roseanne after a racist tweet surfaced on Roseanne Barr’s personal Twitter feed. Mrs. Dungey called the comments, “Abhorrent, repugnant and inconsistent with our values.” President Trump quickly came to Roseanne’s defense and is considering a full pardon at this time for the tweet and any related damages.

The president just issued the following statement: “Roseanne’s twitter remarks are consistent with my own. She is like the anti-Rosie O’Donnell, so I will pardon any actor or actress who supports me, because I think there’s only, like, five total. You can’t leave me here with Kid Rock and Scott friggin’ Baio! To hell with that shit. I would rather be found guilty of collusion of justice, or something. On that note, the impeachment in my near future is more FAKE NEWS! Even if I have to physically leave office, don’t believe what you see!”


 [Roseanne Barr Barred from ABC joke barred by the editor.]

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

  4 comments for “President Trump To Pardon Roseanne Barr

  1. pokey
    May 31, 2018 at 8:32 AM

    That’s great. Did here about Trump’s other recent pardon?

    Jack Johnson was the first black Heavyweight boxing champion. He was hated by white men of his day who sought eagerly to find a white man who could be Johnson in the ring to no avail. Nobody could legitimately beat Johnson, so the feds began investigating Johnson for dirt and the found that Johnson had violated the Mann act. In 1913, Johnson was found guilty of “transporting a woman (a white woman) across state line for immoral purposes.” (some people believe that this law was used against Johnson for racist purposes.) Johnson’ family has been seeking a presidential pardon for his “crime” from every president since Woodrow Wilson. The petition had been brought to President Obama, but he declined to act. Finally, President Trump has granted Johnson a full pardon for the “crime” of transporting a white woman across state line for political purposes.

    Ironic how the fictional pardon suggests that Trump is a racist, while the nonfictional pardon suggests otherwise.

    • Pierce Winslow
      Pierce Winslow
      June 1, 2018 at 8:17 AM

      It was a photo op, complete with Sylvester Stallone (who’s making a movie about the story). The pardon might seem more sincere if he wasn’t also pardoning an illegal campaign financer without DOJ involvement, and probably a guy who was selling Obama’s senate seat to the highest bidder and a woman who lied about illegally making herself richer. It’s good to be Trump’s business partners, like, say, the people being investigated alongside him in the Russia probe. Isn’t that obstructing justice?

      • pokey
        June 2, 2018 at 5:25 PM

        The point being that all of these cases were examples of the federal prosecutors being personally and politically motivated rather than applying the law fair and impartially.

        Johnson–The federal government didn’t go after Johnson because they discovered that he took a woman (a woman later to be his wife) across state lines for “immoral” purposes. No, the federal government went after Johnson, because he was black man who proved that no white man in the world who defeat him in the ring. Abuse of power.

        D’nesh Disouza–The feds did not go after Disouza after they discovered that he gave too much to a politician. The feds went after Disouza after he released a movie that was critical of President Obama. Abuse of power.

        Blagojevich–I have no idea why the feds went after Blagojevich. I will have top educate myself. But on the surface 14 years seems like a long time for crimes that a sincere investigation would discover amidst half of the senior members of Congress.

        Stewart–this was simply petty. The feds should have better things to do. Lying to investigators. Lets see how that applies to themselves–Why hasn’t McCabe been charged with lying to investigators if its such a serious crime?

        Trump’s pardons emphasize the dangers for abuse of power of a politicized federal police force.

        • Mick Zano
          June 2, 2018 at 7:19 PM

          Unrelated note: I am rethinking the whole collusion thing. I was originally struck by at least 7 Trumpanzees lying about their meetings with Russians, but if lying is the baseline for this bunch… Any other administration 7 insiders lying about the same thing would be highly suspect, but today with this bunch, in the immortal words of Borat “not so much”. Judos for the Johnson pardon, next Discord article sullies that a bit, ha!

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