New York, NY—On the eve of the historic Iran nuclear agreement, a deal very few thought possible, our republican fiends were quick to gather in their Fox bunker to commence with Operation Ridicule. Don’t our 2nd Amendment rights demand we use them on Iran, right now? Think about it, Obama used sanctions, a computer virus and words to keep Iran from obtaining a nuke. What a pussy. It’s almost as bad as when Assad turned over all of his WMDs for the price of a few phone calls. Verizon Weaponless?
Mick Zano
Mick Zano
After Watching Fox’s Coverage Of The Iran Nuke Deal…
by Mick Zano •
Software Programmers Working Diligently On Likeable Personality for Hillary Clinton
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Whenever Hillary Clinton is placed in a situation that involves other people, she continues to look like a deer caught in the headlights. Some of Clinton’s awkwardness, at least in part, may well be a result of the ‘testing phase’ of several sophisticated new personality software programs. Clinton’s IT team has obtained a Google-emotion technology patent, which will ultimately allow Hillary to change her personality based on circumstance on the ground, in real time, by utilizing both available data bases and user information.
Project Leader Matt Narrows explains, “Although this may not be evident from her recent interviews, public appearances are helping us move toward a fully adaptable and functional presidential personality by early 2016.”
Omar Sharif, Best Known For His Cameo In Top Secret, Is Dead At 83
by Mick Zano •
This Week’s Dumb Ass Discord Text Exchange Goes To…
by Mick Zano •
Is Climate Change Killing off Our Japanese Monsters?
by Mick Zano •
Tokyo, JP—The left wing media remains overly fixated on the deaths of seals, dolphins and polar bears, but what’s going to happen to our giant radioactively-enlarged monsters? With the advent of climate change Polar bears are switching their food source from seals to dolphins, and sharks are already acquiring a taste for human flesh. This begs the question, what’s going to happen when our ocean’s apex predators get a Big Mac attack? What happens when Godzilla runs out of whale kibble? What happens when Gamera runs out of Megaladon and chips? Speaking of which, always offer the malt-vinegar with that order. Gamera totally loses his shit without malt-vinegar! Do you want some toast with that town of yours? Word to the wise, that turtle is not fucking around.
Brilliant Or Diabolical Scheme To Ensure A 2016 Dem Victory?
by Mick Zano •
Lawsuit: Tito’s Handmade Vodka Not Made From Real Hands
by Mick Zano •
Nation’s Capital Assailed By Patriotic Missiles
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Washington was assailed by a barrage of patriotic and colorful missiles. Didn’t you read the headline? The President is referring to this attack as Operation: Flag and Awe as many onlookers waved flags and said “awe” during the hour long siege of our Nation’s Capital.
The President, who to onlookers appeared drunk, rambled on about NASA and England’s upcoming UFO disclosures and then started plagiarizing parts of the presidential speech from the Sci Fi movie classic, Independence Day. It marked the first time in U.S. history the Secret Services contemplated taking out the President in the interests of national security.
Sanders To Equally Distribute Campaign Contributions To Other Candidates
by Mick Zano •
Madison, WI—The self-proclaimed socialist, Bernie Sanders (I-Vt), is rocking the campaign trail. Over the course of the last three months he has raised an estimated 15-million dollars. The current Vermont Senator made a bold statement in Wisconsin today, “I am not having any of it…well, more accurately, I’m only going to have some of it.” In the true spirit of socialism, Sanders plans to divvy the funds equally between all the other Democratic presidential hopefuls.
Sanders told reporters, “Socialism works and Hillary doesn’t. Can you say, Benghazi? No really, the H is silent. It’s weird. Anyway, I’m just glad I’m running on the Democratic ticket. Hell, if I had to split the money on the republican side I’d have to raise enough to fund the Defense Department just to get enough for a Starbucks.