Say It With Me Republicans: Re-Trac-Tion

Mick Zano

The IRS “scandal” lives. Sorry, I seem to get totally sucked in every time I approach the GOP’s non-event horizon (a Barack hole?). This time I demand a retraction! Dear Fox Newsers, no one ever “refutiated” the IRS’s targeting of the Tea Party, aka, you’re new evidence is not new. But the other findings from the IRS investigation are relevant. Our next term is confirmation bias.

Say it with me everyone: Con-Fir-Ma-Tion Bi-As.

The Oxford Dictionary:Confirmation Bias (noun)

The tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs or theories.

The Answer: Confirmation Bias
The Answer: Confirmation Bias, The Question: Why Fox News turns a profit?
The Question: Why Fox News turns a profit?

You can’t keep changing the subject or asking another fool question, or repeating what we already know to keep a scandal alive. Yeah, I’m talking to you Brent Bozo over on NewsBusters. First, you need to admit you were wrong and try to move one-flipping-iota closer to something I like to call journalism…you know, before shifting your attention crapward again.

Specifically, I want the GOP to make a retraction regarding Obama’s involvement in the IRS “scandal”. Hint: it’s not a White House scandal if the White House is not involved. Weird, I know. Keep in mind, your retraction can be submitted in prose, sonnet, haiku, or whatever format will work with your base (I would go with a limerick: there once was a man from the Potomac?).

Let’s take one liberal for example, me, I never denied that the IRS was targeting conservatives…but one more bullshit headline and I will likely approve the practice. I called bullshit when the GOP turned the story into bullshit. Hint: this usually happens somewhere amidst their first headline.

Here’s my initial comment the day the story broke:

“The IRS thing has yet to be linked to the White House. If a connection is found, Obama is in big trouble. That is not the case today, nor am I predicting a connection will be made. But that won’t stop the GOP. I can’t wait until they get desperate.” 

—Mick Zano, The Daily Discord

Dear reader,

I, Mick Zano, would like to make a retraction. I’m not nearly as excited as I originally thought I would be about the whole “can’t wait until the GOP gets desperate” thing. 

Sorry. My bad.


See how easy retractions can be? Now you try it. Here’s an example:

“Now that I think about it, I’m not sure if we’ve ever been right about anything since Reagan.”

—John Q. Republican

Here’s what happened immediately after the story broke:

Peggy Noonan called the IRS “scandal” Obama’s Watergate, Darrell Issa said the President lied, Dick Morris predicted impeachment, and Fox News—in true Iraq-was-behind-9/11-fashion—immediately implicated that the President gave the order to target the Tea Party.

Dear Bill O’Reilly and the rest of the wrong brigade, say it with me: Re-Trac-Tion:

Once again a spoof news bloggerist has shown more insight than everyone else on the Right combined. Hint: sadly, it’s not really much of an achievement. If I put in one tenth of your collective effort I could post much more damaging posts on Obama, aka, you’re not helping. You’re not competent. You’re simply a distraction.

The IRS investigation found several interesting things:

1.) The IRS targets everyone applying for tax exempt status (shocking).

2.) The numbers for those scrutinized has recently been higher for right wing groups (thus the GOP’s first headlines).

3.) The investigation found systemic problems, for sure, to the point of dysfunction in some offices. But there was little to no coordinated partisanship in amongst IRS employees.

4.) There’s still no evidence whatsoever of any mandate to target conservatives from the White House.

Here’s my prediction for how the IRS will “fix” their problem. They will increase scrutiny on progressive groups seeking tax exempt status as well. That’s it. Wow. Thanks. Soooo, I ask again. Who cares?  You’re taking one fact, which in and of itself is pretty meaningless, and extrapolating to the point of—oh, who am I kidding, one fact is improvement for these folks. Nice work everybody.

Here’s what the next Drudge headlines should look like:

Every Rock in D.C. Overturned and Still No IRS/Obama Link

IRS Investigation: Workers Not Partisan and Don’t Know Much About the Tea Party

IRS Functioning Similarly Douchey for Over a Century

Have you ever noticed the headline progression from Fox News? They typically go from fact, to extrapolated fact. Then, once all their premises are disproven, they shift to the bullshit question phase:

Do Obama’s Children Know About Their Father’s IRS Transgressions?

Will Biden Take the Fall for Obama’s IRS Mess?

“Who’s To Blame?” Demands One Asshole Republican Who Still Wants Answers

Despite the inability of the GOP to birth a retraction during the Bush years, or a relevant scandal during the Obama years……no, I think I’ll end there.

Or, on second thought, maybe here:

“The IRS Scandal Is Worse Than Watergate” —Peggy Noonan
“The IRS Scandal Is Worse Than Watergate” —Peggy Noonan Next week kids see Noonan jump an embassy in Libya
Next week kids see Noonan jump an embassy in Libya
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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.