Best Of

Best of

Ode to Nunchaku

by Pierce Winslow • April 22, 2009

How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?

by Mick Zano • April 12, 2009

Mii Plaza – Jesus, the accepted savior for millions of Christians world wide, largely believed to have ascended into heaven after a brief return from the dead back in AD 30, has been found alive and well in the virtual world of the Nintendo Wii. Fed up with the burdens and controversies surrounding being the central figure of the world’s largest religion, Jesus reportedly went into hiding to escape the crap.

“It’s a hassle” admits the messiah, “between the complaints from disgruntled victims, the “gimme gimme’s”, the perverted so-called holy men, and my name being used to justify everything from restricting freedom to mass-murdering crusades, I’ve had it.”

There have been a multitude of Jesus sightings since his departure from public life. He’s been seen everywhere from insane asylums to potato chips. However, recently the Lord has reportedly been making a meager living as the lowest ranked boxer in the hugely popular boxing game in Wii Sports, a video game suite included with millions of Nintendo Wii units sold world wide. He’s trying to lay low going by the alias David.

“It’s a living. I’ve been preaching humble existence for millennia,” states the savior, “This way not only can I keep millions entertained, I can give malcontents the opportunity to beat the shit out of me for whatever they perceive that I have done (or not done) to them. I also dabble in baseball, but I don’t have a large contract like some players. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you Shouta!”

Many believe that the apocalypse is looming what with the coming end of the Myan calendar; the war, famine, pestilence, and death played out in our daily new reports; and the fact that these aspects match up with every prophecy from the Bible to Nostradamus to Izzy the Nose. We took this unique oppoortunity ask Jesus to address this point. All he had to say was “Oh go ask Vishnu, I’m on my wine break. Besides, miracles have no place in sports.”

by Pierce Winslow • April 8, 2009

Yabba Dabba Dough!

by Sean Kelsey • April 1, 2009

Where Karl Rove should be exiled if he fails to testify before Congress

by Mick Zano • March 3, 2009

Washington, DC – President Obama admitted to the American people this week that the government is dangerously low on promises. It is feared the U.S. Government can not maintain sustained growth without more, much needed, unrealistic promises.

“The promises we had in the Federal Reserve are all but gone.” warns Obama, “Only by manufacturing more vital, yet empty, promises can we hope to lead the global market from the brink of destruction.”

Obama vows not to use as many promises in the future.

“We have already taken away all of V.P. Joe Biden’s promises,” said Obama, but added that stretching out the remaining promises “won’t be easy.”

The President is urging the American people to sooth themselves with the promises already promised, so as to stretch out the current supply. President Obama is denying allegations that members of his administration have initiated talks to purchase shoddily manufactured promises, in bulk, from China. Obama promises that this is not the case. Doh!

by Mick Zano • February 23, 2009

In the blazing January sun, Bald Tony and Mick Zano drove the 38 miles south from Las Vegas toward the infamous Pioneer Saloon in Goodsprings, NV. Goodsprings, NV is smack dab in the middle of nowhere, NV, which is in no way affiliated with Nowhere, AZ (a real one horse and one bar town near Prescott). The Pioneer Saloon is allegedly where Clark Gable pined for Carol Lombard after her tragic decision to go to the nearby Idle Spur in Sandy Valley instead (or something like that. I’m not much of a historian—Tony, even less so). The backroom is filled to the brim with old black-and-white pictures and historic newspaper clippings. The very back wall is an altar of sorts to the great Clark Gable, a man who apparently never actually set foot in the joint.

Frankly, my dears, I don’t give a damn.

The place is like a polder, a closed-in Universe, where the bartenders are always trying to pour you another one, you can never quite find the door despite your best efforts, and ‘the next thing you know you’re pinned to a sophomore named Chip.’ What movie? Despite the exigent gnawing fear that the place was some Hotel California-esque desert trap, we ordered another round. I could smell the colitas rising up through the air…whatever the hell that is.

This archetypal western-style saloon is truly one of the great American hangouts. It is cozy, atmospheric, and steeped in history (most of it bullshit). There is an outside seating area, front and back, and always plenty of friendly motorcycle gangs to pass the time with. There is a general store off to the side of the building that sells both water and flavored water, for all of your re-hydration needs. When we arrived, sometime before 11AM, the place was already packed with whiskey drinking bikers. Of course, as if on cue, the Doors’ Roadhouse Blues belted out of the old-style jukebox in the corner (no shit. I think it’s a law or something). Oddly, we had already ‘woke up that morning and got ourselves a beer.’

“Grolsch,” said Tony, tipping back his bottle, “it’s what’s for breakfast.”

Can you guess what the Discord gang rode in on?

After setting up camp in the billiard room, lined with memorabilia, we found our pool skills weren’t the only thing scary in that haunted backroom. Sadly, there was already a Weird: Las Vegas article hanging on the wall. Foiled again by our arch-nemesis! They’re always one step ahead of us. While perusing the article in question, the main bartagonist poked her head around the corner and dove into the history of this authentic western watering hole (didn’t even have to ask this time). Cindy Niles, one of the main barkeeps, had a much different story to tell than our Weird friends—a story happily involving copious amounts of Grolsch. Sometimes when Cindy is alone in the bar, she reports seeing unexplainable movement out of the corner of her eye (even when taking her Prozac), which today may simply have been Tony recovering his tips. She reports having even chased these peripheral apparitions into the billiard room, only to find the room empty. Our pic of the billiard room revealed a mysterious green orb that, once again, turned out to be the spirit of Kazoo (the little bastard keeps turning up like a bad penny).

Cindy explained the Weird: Nevada authors were “full of shit,” and she was horribly misquoted in their coverage of the Pioneer Saloon. In keeping with our esteemed colleagues’ theme, she went on to say:

“The Daily Discord is responsible journalism at its finest.”

— Cindy Niles

Cindy told this Discord reporter four separate ghost busting groups have staked out the place at different times. When the last bunch, a group of four, came busting through town, she got three of these ghostbusters “stinking drunk.” The boys in gray slugged it out with a pretty pesky poltergeist, then stayed on to dance the night away with some of the lovely ladies who witnessed the disturbance. What movie?

The Pioneer Saloon is truly an awesome stop and Cindy is a great hostess and a talented barkeep. If you ever find yourself driving through the groovy jumping wasteland southwest of Las Vegas, do yourself a favor and do what Carol Lombard did…go to the Idle Spur in Sandy Valley instead. Kidding! This is a worthwhile destination for any bar crawler or paranormal enthusiast. Just beware of Kazoo. He’s a pool shark and apparently keeps stealing Cindy’s tips.

by Mick Zano • February 19, 2009

Angus Young of the Australian hard rock band AC/DC admitted during a congressional hearing this week that all nineteen of the band’s studio albums were written during one lost weekend in Sidney. The drug-induced recording session occurred in early 1973 while under the influence of beer, whiskey, and a powdery substance, possibly crystal meth. The band originally named the twenty-seven hour long song AC/DC. This title only became the band’s name after the 73’ recording session, primarily because the next day no one could recall their original name (which Mr. Young believes started with a B). On a related note, Adult Protective Services are currently pressing charges against the band’s manager for the long and grueling exploitation of these severely mentally ill individuals. Dr. Stempen would like the band members to know they can always “come home.” Food and injectable psychotropic medication are ready upon their arrival. Dr. Stempen wants Angus to know that the wardrobe rules at Fairview Pines have relaxed.

“You can wear your knickers whenever and wherever you want.” Shirts are now only required during visiting hours. Also, the nursing staff has completely forgiven Malcolm for the “sponge bath incident.”

by Pierce Winslow • January 13, 2009

It is common knowledge that President-Elect Barack Obama has promised his children that they may get a dog once they are settled into the Whitehouse. When questioned about the choice of breed, Obama simply stated that since his daughter was allergic to dogs it would have to be something hypoallergenic.

Obama’s statement triggered a backlash of criticism from the American College of Allergy.

“There is no such thing as a hypoallergenic dog,” stated Dr. Schnoz Sneezinweezin, an ACA spokesman. “The only such creature would be a dog that has no hair, saliva or urine. If you want a hypoallergenic dog you have to go to the grocery store.” This was an obvious reference to one of America’s favorite summertime delicacies, the hot dog.

This revelation triggered a great deal of interest as to where the Obama family would procure their not-so-potent pet. Nathan’s Famous, one of America’s leading purveyors of hot dogs, quickly jumped-in to volunteer one of their fine franks.

“It’s not often that a company such as ours has the opportunity to step in and provide what will certainly become a close member of the First Family,” stated Eric Gatoff, CEO of Nathan’s Famous.

This announcement prompted swift and outrageous reaction from PETW, People for the Ethical Treatment of Weiners.

“Approximately nine out of ten pets sold in American pet stores are bred in mills. Such institutions operate in deplorable conditions and we just hope that the American President will provide a good example to our country’s citizenry”, announced Ingrid Newkirk, President of PETW. “You should see the conditions under which these pets are ‘made'”.

The Daily Discord was able to procure this picture of the conditions under which Nathan’s hot dogs are prepared.

A look at the deplorable conditions in a Nathan’s hot dog mill. Note the castaway "unfit" dog in the trough.

Applegate Farms, a company founded on the premise of providing only the most wholesome and natural products was quick to usurp Nathan’s Famous’ position.

Seen here, the care free life of Applegate Farms’
free range organic hot dogs.
Note also the inclusion of the rare albino
hot dog in the hot dog games.

“Taste, truth and trust are our guiding principles. We promise that there is no mystery in our meat. All of our products are Certified Humane and qualify for USDA Organic certification as well,” claims Stephen McDonnell, founder of Applegate Farms.

The Daily Discord’s own Cokie McGrath did, in fact, tour one of Applegate’s facilities, as part of a larger investigation, and was able to document and verify old McDonnell’s claims. Here a dog, there a dog, everywhere a hot dog, all of them appearing to be happy and healthy.

Cokie’s research into the hot dog industry also uncovered a hereto unseen dark side. This underworld of sausage seediness went way beyond the generally available, mass produced hot dog. These pigs-without-a-blanket were training for combat. The Daily Discord has allegedly established alleged links between alleged gansta sta Snoop Doggy Dogg and an alleged massive underground hot dog fighting syndicate.

Seen here: pain sensitivy reduction and flavor induction treatment

Well, you decide what’s going on here

Obama’s choice in this case, with major implications on such a socially explosive issue, could have major consequences for his re-election bid in 2012. One choice would decisively separate Obama from Sarah “Gun ’em and Grind ’em” Palin, who will almost certainly be gunning to unseat Obama.

“Don’t be a pussy Obama,” stated Palin, “go for the grill.” Palin went on to tell reporters that Mr. Obama’s liberal position is an “ObamaNathan”.

The other choice, on the other hand, could put Mr. Obama on even ground with Palin on such tough “shootin’ at some food” issues. This is one reporter that can’t wait to see how this all falls out (of the helicopter).

by Mick Zano • December 29, 2008

The skeletal remains of a two-thousand year old corpse found buried alongside of a bottle of Smirnoff in the sands of the Philippines, may simply be that of rock icon Keith Richards. The rock legend has been missing since a party held last Friday night.

“Sometimes Mr. Richards gets bombed, other times he gets embalmed,” explained Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop.

The aged archeologist reports that halfway through the excavation Mr. Richards stood up, mumbled something to his crew, and then staggered back toward Manila. Undeterred by the setback, Hogbein has named the find Homo Britvodkus and announced that “before there was a Java Man, there was a Vodka Man.”