Oscar Fogg

Barack Obama: You Mean I’m Going to Stay this Color?

Not since Bobby Kennedy’s tragic drive to the White House in 1968, when he ran out of gas on I-95, has so much excitement surrounded a candidate as presidential hopeful Barak OBama.  To find an explanation for the O’bama phenomena, I traveled to the heartland of this great country.

After speaking to Harvard University professor, Dr. Chowder McHateshisownrace, I finally understand how ‘White America’ can finally absolve their slave guilt by electing an African-American.  This will serve as the ultimate legitimization of affirmative action.  I also discovered that any criticism of Obama’s policies, or heaven forbid, voting against him, is tantamount to racism.

I then traveled to Harlem, New York, where I spoke with people so often disappointed by their elected leaders.  For instance, Charlie Rangel, one of the most powerful congressmen for decades, has done little for his constituents.  But this time will be different, I’m told.  “If Brother Barack is elected,” said Apollo McWelfare, “he’ll solve all of our community’s problems—I can almost smell that reparations check.”  When I asked him who they’d vote for if General Colin Powell (R) ran against Obama (D), the answer was unanimous, “It just doesn’t matter.”  Excitement isn’t the only thing that’s high around here.

Hollywood, the land of dreams and fantasy, where high-profile writers, producers, and directors teach Americans how to better themselves.  Celebrity image consultant, Flakey McShallow, needn’t know any details of Obama’s policies or positions.  She was enamored simply by Barack’s camera presence, his well-dressed appearance, and how popular he was amongst Hollywood A-listers.  Oh, and he was clean and articulate.

“I keep hearing the word “change” and in this business darling, one must be on top of next season’s fashion and style.”

As I was leaving for this assignment I picked up a USA Today at the bus station.  A colored pie chart showed that America is heavily in debt.  The federal government is bloated and inefficient while pork projects and waste run rampant.  Obama’s plan (though I was told to keep this on the DL) is to keep all of the subsidized programs in place and to actually increase the size of the government because they know how best to manage our money.”

This whole Global War on Terrorism has many Muslim people indignant.  For eight years they have been subjected to suspicion, humiliation, and disrespect.   Never mind the fact that Al Qaeda hates our way of life and has killed 3000 people on September 11.  Never mind that they want to eliminate our freedoms and live under repressive, misogynist, religious 1500 year-old laws.  When those prisoners had their Abu Ghraib photo shoot, well, I can understand why they’d take out their revenge on a female aid worker by cutting off her head.  She shouldn’t have interfered in their cultural order and challenged their male egos…what did she expect?   Barack wants to change how we handle foreign policy and says he’ll talk to our enemies. Obama’s No Decapitated Head Left Behind program is bound to save countless lives.  He’ll restore the political correctness that has been so lacking in this theological “misunderstanding.”  The last thing we want to do is hurt their feelings by committing more social or verbal faux pas.  Once they realize Barack will change America’s attitude towards them and let them live how they want, they will lay down their arms and only decapitate people on weekends.

Many are under the misconception that Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim.  This can be no farther from the truth. For TWENTY years he attended the church of Rev Jeremiah Wright.  He was married by Rev Wright and his children were baptized by him.  Fiesty Mcblackradical knows Obama from church.  “I remember brother Barack…there was this one time when Rev Wright was reminding us that the White man brought AIDs to America’s inner cities to kill off all the brothers and sisters.  Barack testified, “We need CHANGE. Halleluiah!”   Ronald Reagan had Billy Graham and Bill Clinton had Jesse Jackson…Barack Obama will have no Muslim cleric—the Christian Rev. Jeremiah Wright will serve as his spiritual advisor and councilor when that 3AM phone call rings.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that Barack Obama is running against a white man, race becomes an issue, but Barack Obama is actually white!  His mother is white, he was reared by his white grandparents, he went to Harvard Law School and he vacations in Hawaii!  He’s a millionaire and has Bruce Springsteen on his IPOD.  He’s whiter than I am! So for all those white independents and moderate republicans out there, feel better about Barack.  He’s one of you.

Speaking to political insiders in Nancy Pelosi’s hometown of San Francisco, I’ve found “unity” in the air.  Pat McLezdyke claims that Obama will bring Republicans and Democrats together. During his long 15-month tenure as senator, Barack had the most liberal voting record of any member of that house.  What better way to bridge the ideological gap than to impose policy from the most extreme pole of the political spectrum?  “After eight years of leadership from the other extreme pole and seeing how it fractured the country, we need someone to bring us together.”  I reminded Pat that George Bush ran on that slogan in 2000. He was “A uniter not a divider” and we were all fooled.  I asked what makes Barack Obama’s message more believable?  I never got an answer as she began accusing me of racism.

Joe Biden’s pick as Barack Obama’s running mate is a great choice!  He enjoys 36 years experience as a Washington insider and is a major government power player.  He’s experienced in foreign policy, economics, knows how the city works, and gets things done.   Not that Obama needs any help, but look what Dick Cheney did for George Bush.  He compensated for all the weaknesses and shortcomings of W. He helped him win in 2000 and guided him throughout his 8-year term.  A man who’s been in the Senate since 1972 is the personification of CHANGE.

If Barack Obama is elected, he plans to bring our troops home from Iraq immediately!  We can finally wash our hands of that problem and let the Iranians or Syrians take care of it.  While attending the funeral of a fallen soldier, I approached a vocal group of “Free Speechers.”  Hippy McSheehan shouted, “Obama didn’t start the war so why should he fix it? Those 4000+ American servicemen and women who died trying to make things “right” in Iraq did so as volunteers.  They should have gone to college instead.”  By pulling out of Iraq unconditionally we’d regain our global popularity.  Countries like China, Russia, North Korea and Iran will take us seriously if we’re more sensitive to their point of view.

So there you have it, a cross-section of middle Americans and a bevy of solid reasons why we should all vote for America’s would-be-savior, Barack Obama.  Next month, Nutsy McNeocon will provide an equally compelling argument to vote for that other old crotchety old bastard, John McCrabby or something.

The Sir Woody Chronicles

Salutations, seekers of sophistication and acumen. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Woodrow Emerson Prescott III, or “Sir Woody” to my colleagues.  A fortnight hence, during a serendipitous ejection from Pugsley’s Public House, I chanced upon the editors of the “Daily Discord” who solicited me to compose an authoritative column for their publication. My area of expertise, I ascertained, is how to maintain a sophisticated lifestyle in shelterless urban environs. It is my sincere belief that my libertarian associates benefit from my example of gentlemanly comportment, and I am imbued with optimism that I can bestow similar wisdom upon the general literary public and those Metropolitan Roving Survival Aficionados (or MRSA-neries as I call them).

The first school of thought in corporate real estate is, “location, location, location”. Location is ephemeral to the ever transient. Those not auspicious enough to habitate in more southerly climates must endure the adversities of frigid air, preferably with a box from Frigidaire. Such cardboard casas are one of many copious techniques to sustain optimum bodily temperatures when the Fahrenheit plummets below the freezing point.

The quaint and archetypal image of ladies and gentlemen congregating in the vicinity of a roaring barrel fire has long elapsed. The quest for warmth has become an individual endeavor. Layering is the optimum solution, and in this era of green technology and recycling, discarded newspapers act as superlative insulation and engender a feeling of environmental activism and responsibility. Recent advances in ink and chemically laden paper have reduced the most disagreeable “smearage factor.” No longer does one appear like a Dickensian chimney sweep, a West Virginia coalminer, or some outdated minstrelesque faux pa.

The accessibility of the business section and book reviews is a peripheral benefit that should not be neglected!

Those who are industrious and possess the adroit skills of a Boy Scout can assemble a heat-capturing pavilion utilizing a large swathe of plastic siding and string.  Alas, boy scouts themselves will warm one’s château in a pinch, although a plucky girl scout is my preference for both their perky pookas as well as their palatable pralines.

Simply envelop a sidewalk storm grate that exhumes steam from below. You may recollect the famous photograph of Marilyn Monroe coyly attempting to maintain her feminine dignity while a lusty gust of air failed to expose her delicates. Later that evening, once Marilyn, her entourage and the paparazzi departed, six people shared that very grate. It was a magical night for the ages.

Exercise is a crucial component to maintaining peak physical conditioning. Bipedal transportation, admittedly, is the sole source of mobility for my demographic group. I proudly proclaim that I promenade a minimum of twenty miles a day. Many of my more fitness passionate compatriots accomplish this feat via a circumambulatory route where I choose a more linear trajectory frequenting the parks, shopping malls and public museums. I find it extremely inspiring when our uniformed law enforcement officers loudly exclaim their encouragement for me to “keep moving.” My daily constitutionals would be impossible without their vigilant support.

To live in a country of such abundance is a blessing. A gourmet diet is easily achievable in our land of milk and honey (although, be wary of the discarded milk). Each night, Italian pizzerias receive numerous unscrupulous and erroneous telephone orders. The undeliverable pizza pies are discarded at the conclusion of each work night. And many of my colleagues confess that stacked pizza boxes make for excellent head pillows. One twenty-five cent piece can muster a culinary feast celebrating the melting pot that is America.

A brief sojourn in my daily routine is a hearty brunch at the local soup kitchen. I delight at the intellectual discourse that permeates the atmosphere reminding me of an ivy-league university student union. Discussions range from criminal justice and pharmacology to the latest in mental illness and religious experience, transfixing patrons to a higher plane of philosophy and thinking.

Now don’t imagine for a moment that just because the traditional 3-bedroom domicile is absent, one’s primordial desires go unfulfilled. The instinctive inclinations of men and women are easily satiated by those willing and ambitious enough to employ themselves in the carnal arts. Dalliances under a refrigerator box or in a Salvation Army clothing dumpster are the proverbial love nests. My favorite lass, Gummy Rose, a retired yet self-employed artisan of the flesh is a callipygian beauty for all those with a spare fiver to splurge. The free clinic gratefully administers inoculation services to mitigate any shared pathogens or crustaceous cohabiters of dubious origin.

Those who traverse the boulevards and alleyways of a large metropolis often excrete a tremendous amount of perspiration, making proper hygiene a challenge. There exists a variety of agreeable deodorants that obfuscate any felonious odors. Discarded automobile air fresheners when festooned from the neck exude a satisfying pine tree fragrance and accentuate one’s modish prettification. To enhance the bodies’ natural bouquet, various alcohol-based concoctions when imbibed in sufficient quantities permeate a sweet and sour dermis medley that pre-announces your entrance to any room.

Being devoid of material possessions has allowed me to follow more cerebral, sophisticated pursuits. Much like the Buddha, all I own is contained in a solitary shopping cart. May I add, K-mart pushcarts are the Rolls Royces of transportable towage with the smoothest and most vertical alignment? The fries from a thousand diners grease my wheels of pragmatic progress.  I have zero credit card bills, car or mortgage payments, there’s no compulsion to “keep up with the Jones’s” and no concerns or stress regarding employment promotions. Fornicate the Jones’s.

I feel a closer affinity to our ancestors who lived a more simple life before the age of electricity and luxury. I sincerely believe this exposé on how to live truly free and in comfort will inspire those considering such an alternative lifestyle. My needs are simpler yet my tastes remain refined. I still take my tea at three and it’s a marvel of science that you can get over 200 cups with one single bag. It is trifle weak after about 150 but supplemented with brandy, wine, whiskey, rum, scotch or vodka there is no end to the pedestrian epicurean delights. Don’t even get me started on the hidden treats amidst those fast food dumpsters and the shear magnitude of their discarded buns, or urban crumpets as I call them.

I trust this editorial will help the urban newbies transition smoothly into the adventures of vagabondia, so until next time.