Washington, DC—President Obama told reporters this Tuesday, “The eye stays put.”  Obama insists his decision to keep the All Seeing Eye, currently mounted atop the Washington Monument, is not an attempt to maintain Bush-like levels of executive power.  The President adamantly denied allegations that the office has changed him.  He went on to dodge questions about using fear to push policy, his continued use of earmarks and signing statements, as well as his complete refusal to investigate the previous administration on any front.  President Obama then assured the press that he would only send armies of orcs and goblins to get the “bad guys who mean us harm.”  The change in the President’s demeanor has drawn harsh criticism from both Democrats and Republicans alike.  Some fear Obama may be unwilling to hurl the One Ring into the Fires of Mount Doom at the end of his term.  Obama received the One Ring only after it was bitten from, then Vice President, Dick Cheney’s finger by Rahm Emmanuel on Inauguration Day.

Baltimore, MD—Maryland is taking a proactive stance in preparing its’ citizens for what officials are calling Project Penniless Yuppie (PPY). In accordance with MD law, the city is holding several soup-kitchen practice runs for those middle-class Americans unfamiliar with soup-line etiquette. This somewhat extreme measure is only a precaution meant to aid individuals on the outside chance that some of Obama’s completely idiotic economic policies don’t work. Local flyers encourage participants to use Blackberries, cell phones, DSs, PSPs, Gameboys, and other handheld devices to pass the time during the average 6-8 hour wait for a bowl of soup (usually carrot, sometimes carrot plus). If and when you can no longer afford batteries for these devices, the flyer suggests some of the old standbys: talking, hopscotch, hacky sac, and random sex acts with the person in front of you. Historically, random sex acts are helpful endeavors for both the participants as well as those standing nearby.

Washinton, DC — A confused Barak Obama addressed the press this Tuesday on the country’s continued economic woes.

“We printed more cash.  In fact, we printed a shitload more cash. Why on God’s green Earth it hasn’t helped is beyond me.”

President Obama intends to ‘stay the course’ with regards to his economic strategies and enthusiastically unveiled his ‘Build More Printers’ initiative.  Obama believes by doubling the number of existing Federal Reserve printers, we can stop the country’s financial bleeding.

“If more meaningless money isn’t enough,” states Obama, “then it’s time to really crank out the fundage.”

To the Obama Administration’s credit, the plan is gaining some modest support amongst the economically clueless. 

Covina, CA — DNA results now prove the Santa Gunman, responsible for killing nine people and injuring three others on December 25^th, is not the real McCoy. Sometimes Santa Claus goes on a killing spree, but sometimes, just sometimes, he hires a Blackwater-like group of mercenaries to do his Yule-time slaying.

“It is a sad day at the North Pole when Santa Claus has to outsource his hits,” says a former consultant to the Kringle family.

The disgruntled elf is very disappointed with his former boss’ behavior.

“Granted, the naughty list is getting longer, but if the fat bastard feels strongly enough about homicide, he should do it himself.”

Fat Bastard, annoyed by the comment, is suing the elf for slander.