Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

And on the Third Day He Rose: Jackson Emerges from UCLA Morgue

Los Angeles, CA — Jesus, Osiris, and Krishna all have their own resurrection myths associated with them.  Heck even Dionysus came back from the dead, but in all fairness he just might have had a three day hangover.  Michael Jackson, not to be out done, has thrown his own crown of thorns into the ring, so to speak.  It is believed Jackson rose from the dead on June 28th to some stunningly choreographed dance numbers.  Critics report most were borrowed from Thriller.  Jackson’s doctor reports the zombie-pop-star (ZPS) finished his set, demanded his glove, his plastic surgeon, and a bucket of Demerol.

Jackson went on to say, “This should qualify me for my own religion, and where is my Demerol?!”

Jackson then devoured several of the hospital staff’s brains before signing a few autographs for some lucky fans—then he devoured their brains as well.

Al Qaeda Planning to Use Our Own National Birds Against Us!

Washington, DC – President Obama announced today Al Qaeda’s latest plot against the homeland.  The CIA has gathered intelligence that suggests a well conceived plan to fly our own eagles, kamikaze style, into several important American flags.  British Intelligence agencies also believe this is a credible threat.  Al Qaeda is casing over four hundred flag poles located in high profile locations scattered across the United States.  It’s a plan that President Obama describes as “truly heinous.”  Young and impressionable eagles are captured and trained in Al Qaeda terrorist camps within the U.S. They are then loaded with C-4 and trained to fly into pre-designated flag poles.

“The synchronized attacks are not meant to weaken our economy, as that would be cruel,” said President Obama.  “No, these attacks are meant to do far worse.  They are meant to strike at the very nationalistic fiber that runs through our collective conscience.”

When asked to explain that last teleprompted statement, Obama declined and instead discussed his new puppy, what’sis name. 

McMahon Replaces St. Peter! First Job: Heeeeeeere’s Michael!

Ed McMahon’s only regret is dying two days after Farrah Fawcett.

“Oh, I would have welcomed her to heaven with open arms…Heeeere’s Farrah!  It would have been glorious,” joked McMahon.

He also reports his first job went smoothly enough.

“Michael Jackson gave me a high five and moon walked into paradise.”

God has apparently grown bored with St. Peter, whose own greeting ‘Hi Ho’ was dull and kind of a Kermit the Frog rip off.  In fact, Jim Henson thought the greeting was personalized for him and has since been bitching about copyright violations.

“Besides,” said God. “When you spend a lifetime trying to do the right thing, you should be greeted to heaven with, well, Ed does it best.”

God admits that Ed McMahon was slated to die in 2012 but a recent argument with St. Peter forced God’s hand, so to speak.

“The new job is great,” claims McMahon, but he admits to some early glitches.  The other day he greeted Billy Mays as, “Here’s that Oxy Clean guy.”  Mays was not amused.  McMahon admits there are still some bugs to work out. “And St. Peter’s is still being kind of a dick about the whole thing.”

Michael Jackson’s Autopsy Secrets Revealed!

Michael Jackson’s Autopsy Secrets Revealed!

Los Angeles, CA – Earlier today UCLA Hospital released this disturbing autopsy photo.  Information is now surfacing about the cause of Michael Jackson’s death.  The pop star  suffered from two herniated snarkles and several ruptured K2-nibblets.  According to inside sources, Farfalownus of the blow hole has not been ruled out at this time.  Seventeen contraindicated medications were found in Jackson’s system, including Valium, Xanax, Demerol, Vicodin, and Big Jug Extra malt liquor.  Although the amount of depressant-type medication discovered could easily prove fatal for humans, it was well within safe and legal limits for the inhabitants of Rigel Seven.   The Ambassador to Rigel Seven was unavailable for comment.  UCLA Hospital does not want to speculate any further about the cause of death at this time, but inside sources for the Daily Discord believe the cause of death may have been moon-walk-related (MWR).

Talk Awfully and Carry a Big Dick: The George W. Bush Story

The Bush legacy doesn’t end with My Pet Goat.  A new book, even longer and with more words, is hailed as the closest thing to a Bush triumph.

The former President admits it’s “on the long side, but is much better than that Oliver Stone book.”

Mr. Bush thought long and hard on the title for his autobiography. The struggle for a title tugged at the core of the Bush’s being, and the effort marks the beginning and the end of his actual contributions.

“I’m still not sure if I should have gone with Clearing Brush,” said the former President to our own Cokie McGrath.  Mr. Bush went on to say, “I like clearing brush.”

He then wandered off and started clearing brush. Somehow this reporter can’t help but think: “who pulled this man away from his golf, his baseball, and his brush clearing escapades? And can charges still be pressed against those individuals?”

Mick Zano Detained After Slim Jim Factory Explosion

Phoenix, AZ – The Daily Discord’s own Mick Zano was interrogated shortly after the explosion, in Garner, NC, of a Slim Jim Jerky Plant.  Mr. Zano became a ‘person of interest’ after one of his recent articles eerily foreshadowed events on June 8th at ConAgra foods.  Zano claims his condemnation of all jerky products only days before the massive explosion was merely “an unfortunate coincidence.”

Zano went on to say, “Think about it, if somebody doesn’t like abortion clinics, they wouldn’t go around blowing them up.”

No one has seen or heard from Mr. Zano since that last statement and rightly so.

CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is on the record as stating, “I will do everything in my power to see that Mick receives a fair execution.”

As much as Winslow finds Zano “morally reprehensible,” the prospect of promoting the Crank to head comedy writer fills him with an even deeper dread.  Furthermore, Mr. Winslow denies allegations that he has contacted the Jerky Boys for legal counsel.

Some Important Feedback from the Holy Land

Dear Daily Discord:

My name is Muhammad Al’ Hussein, Sharia High Cleric, Cleveland, Ohio.  Today I read your Zionist propaganda, Newly Discovered Seuss Manuscripts Are Troubling.  This is more than troubling! In fact, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your infidel armpits!  Dr. Seuss converted to Sharia, and his true name became Al Hamze Mohash Mahmood Al JeSeuss (under pain of death).  These books you list are forbidden under Sharia law.  They give Sharia childs bad thoughts, not unlike your American sitcoms.  Your Zionist Conspiracy ideas is why true believers hate the Great Satan (aka, parts of Akron).  Go to local Sharia Library and read Sharia-Approved Al Hamze Mohash Mahmood Al JeSeuss childs books:

Top Ten Sharia-Approved Dr. Al JeSeuss Books

  1. Mr. Brown can Mujahideen! (Can you?)
  2. The Lion in Zion
  3. Oh, The Places You Cannot Go!
  4. Horton Hatches a Jihad!
  5. Daisy Beheaded Mayzie
  6. There’s a Saudi in my Audi
  7. Shop with Pop (or a Thousand Lashes)
  8. The 500 Burkhas of Basheera Mohammad
  9. Rocks in Locks (The Complete Sharia Stoning Book: scratch and sniff edition)
  10. Sharia Mariah!  The Twatva I Should Fatwah!

These books are good Sharia books all written under close supervision of respected Sharia Clerics.  Dr. Seuss’ name became Al Hamze Mohash Mahmood Al JeSeuss after he insulted the prophet Muhammad in his Zionist book The Lorax.  I can assure you this Lorax does not speak for the trees, or the Suni’s, or the Shiites.  Let us never speak of him again, or may Allah rip out your spleen and feed it to a mountain goat.

This reminds me of a childhood game when one group of playmates would all circle around a second group and say, “Glory be to thee, Allah.”

To which the inner circle would perform the ablution and recite aqama in all its glory.

Then, amidst this inexplicable connection with the great mystery, we would stone the shit of our friends in the middle, such fun.  It brings me back, back to a very primitive emergency room.

And if you continue your Zionist reporting, don’t forget that Mr. Brown can Mujahideen!

Muhammad Al’ Hussein

High Cleric

International Sharia Law Allah Mosque (FAS: Fuck Akron Society)

Cleveland, OH

Specially Processed Swine Food Sparks Global Spamdemic?

San Diego, CA – During a conference on Universal Healthcare in San Diego earlier today, Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Minute Mart, unveiled the above map. Created from over fifty cans of SPAM, the map is a cryptic warning of things to come.

“This is what our planet is going to look like by 2014!” shouted Hogbien to a stunned crowd of healthcare professionals.

Among a list of wild assertions, Hogbien insists that Spam is to blame for the current global pandemic. Witnesses report the aged archeologist belted out Monty Python’s Spam song as he was hauled away by hotel security.  The Obama Administration has not released any statement on the matter. CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is calling for a boycott of all Spam related products, “just in case.”  When asked about his life-sized Spam sculpture fountain that typically adorns the annual employee picnic, Winslow became highly agitated.  He started reciting excerpts of Churchill’s speech and then stapled his tie to his forehead.  President Obama has failed to comment on that too.