Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

HIV Infections Spread During World AIDS Day Debacle

HIV Infections Spread During World AIDS Day Debacle

Chicago, Ill—”Mistakes were made,” said Tab Majors, chief organizer of World Aids Day.  “We certainly weren’t encouraging people to go out and contract AIDS on World AIDS day.”

Many believe the group’s slogans, such as ‘Join the Growing AIDS Coalition’, were too ambiguous, and critics insist a comma between ‘sex’ and ‘toy’ could have avoided a lot of embarrassment during their Safe Sex Toy Drive.

Chaos ensued during their event designed to promote needle exchange programs.

“We certainly didn’t want people banging hub right there in the middle of the parking lot and then passing the used needles around,” said Majors.  “Who knew our fifteen-foot hypodermic needle float would be such a trigger?”

The chief organizer is also denying allegations his recent journal Study Suggests Promiscuity Decreases Masturbation has led to a marked increase in high-risk behaviors amongst scholarly teens.  Perhaps the worst misstep came when Mr. Majors announced over a loudspeaker that it was Condom Free Day instead of Free Condom Day.  The mistake was complicated by the timing—the gaffe occurred during the naked candlelight vigil directly after the Viagra snorting contest. 

“We will certainly rethink our decision to invite hordes of heroin using Haitian Hookers next year,” said Majors, “Or at least not as many.”

Second Bow Comes with a Not so Subtle Message

Beijing, China—A second look at Obama’s China visit reveals an obvious swipe at Fox News.  President Obama claims the attack on Fox was designed to show how, “I can be cheap, petty, and vindictive too.”

The President added, “The fact they [Fox] are making such a big deal over our obvious servitude is appalling.” 

Team Obama nixed Hillary Clinton’s idea to curtsy and then flip the bird toward the cameras. “We didn’t want the Chinese government to get the wrong idea,” said Obama. “I also felt Vice President Biden’s plan to have me drop to my knees and emulate oral sex with our Chinese Overlord was a bit over the top.”

Obama hoped this middle ground would be perceived both as the appropriate poke in the eye to Fox News without causing a third world war.

Mayor Attacks Obama for Preempting Charlie Brown X-mas in America’s Fartland

Mayor Attacks Obama for Preempting Charlie Brown X-mas in America’s Fartland

Arlington, TN—Arlington Mayor, Russell Wiseman, one of the three Mayorial Wiseman  who brought the gifts of holiday reruns to Jesus, is complaining about the decision to preempt Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special with, as Wiseman put it, “Obama’s Afghany War, Muslim bullshit” (OAWMB).

As the only adult in the room, President Barak Obama responded to the Tennessee mayor’s criticism thusly, “Mwwaah-mmm-mwa-mwa-mwaa-hmmm-mw-mwa-mwaa.”

He then added, “Mayor, I am going to hold this football and I want you to run and kick it as hard as you can.”

Obama then added, “Peanuts?  You want to talk about Peanuts?  Try looking at your federal budget next year, Mayor Burgermeister Meisterburger.”

Both Charlie Brown and the Burgermeister Meisterburger were unavailable for comment. 

If a Woods Drives into a Tree with Nobody Around to Recount It, Does It Make a Sound?

If a Woods Drives into a Tree with Nobody Around to Recount It, Does It Make a Sound?

Isleworth, Fl—Apparently, it does. First it makes a sound like a golf club repeatedly hitting a windshield, then it makes a sound like crackling fiberglass and splintering wood.   This account comes from a family of squirrels, who, now homeless, are filing a civil suite against the Woods-es-es. 

The Daily Discord is the first major sponsor to be dropping Mr. Woods as a direct result of the incident.

“I can no longer support him,” said the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow.  “A Cadillac, Tiger?  Ram your Toyota Corolla into every damn tree in Florida, but I will not endorse a golf guy who can not drive a Caddy (pardon the golf pun). Besides, who drives around at 2:30AM sober?  There should be a law against that.”

Mr. Winslow also went on to tell the press his intentions to marry Mrs. Woods.

“But when you email me, Elin, please say you’re technical support, or something.  Talk in an Indian accent…Not Hopi, you stupid git, India Indians.  Think of Apu from the Simpsons. Wait, my wife’s coming.  Act casual, say nothing.”

Long Island Wal-Mart Celebrates Lack of Black Friday Fatalities this Year

Long Island Wal-Mart Celebrates Lack of Black Friday Fatalities this Year

Valley stream, NY–All went well at the Valley Stream Wal-Mart during Black Friday’s early morning stampedes.

“We’re proud of our crowd control efforts this year,” said Wal-Mart store manager Patty Davy.  “Only a couple of people clawed and kicked for the last Zhu Zhu Hamsters and it certainly was all fun and games until someone lost an eye in aisle seven.”

The store credits the smooth operation on changing the traditional uniforms to Clockwork Orange-style and management’s decision to arm their staff with live cattle prods.

“It also helped that no one had any actual money to spend this year,” said Davy.  “It took the edge off.”

Not all opinions were positive, however.

“It’s the busiest shopping day of the year,” said Nancy Mullens of Valley Stream.  “You have to expect a few causalities of Wal (COWs).”

Another complaint came from Jon Heffron of Long Beach, “Look, this is as close to the Running of the Bulls as I’m going to get in this economy, and I wasn’t even shoved once this morning.”

Other shoppers shared this negative view.

“Black Friday should have an element of danger to it,” said Frankie Devito of Elmont. “When a lifeguard yells ‘shark’, we’re the kind of people who go into the water and drag the bitch onto land and beat it to death with our children.  I mean, not for nothun’, this is Long Island.  Fuck’em if they can’t take a tramplin’.”

Manager Davy responded to the criticism, “It’s true a lot of people wanted to kick it up a notch anyway this year but, out of respect for the dead, we decided to nix having our shoppers climb over mannequins dressed as Wal-Mart greeters.  But next year expect a move toward the stampedes of old, so pack your steal toed boots, bitches!”

Wal-Mart corporate headquarters hopes to ease back into the violent shopping sprees with a trial run in the spring called Tear Gas Tuesday and their Mauled at the Mall Barbie line is set for release in early Fall.   

Foghorn Leghorn Rocks Holder’s World

Foghorn Leghorn Rocks Holder’s World

Washington, DC – It was history in the making when Senator Lindsey Graham nailed Attorney General Eric Holder’s skinny ass on national television.  It was so cool that I still can’t stand up without bustin’ a zipper. Doing his best “Ahm frum thu south ahn ah tahlk like a Looney Tunes roo-stuh”, Senator Graham asked Holder all the questions he couldn’t possibly answer. The following is an exact quote (but, keep in mind, I was on cold medicine at the time).

“Well now, Ah-say ah-say yah cain’t take a prizzonnuh on the battlefield, interruhgate his ass for ye-uhs without Mirandizin hium, and send hium tuh a Federal cowert fo ah civil triuhl without they-uh being some question as to the legality of the whole sichiashun. That is, uh, unless one wuz to assume they-uh was some unduhlyin agenda for embarassin a previous President to deflect from the current state of affaiuhs, unduhmiuhnin the CIA and our brave boys in unifo-uhm, and possible getting the bastuhds owff on uh technicality. Fuythuhmo-er, If ya start Mirandizin all the prizzonuhs you take on thuh battlefield, that don’t leave a whole lot of wayz or tahm fo-er the CIA to get its intelligence, now does-ah-say-does it, mistuh Holder?”

That was good for me.  Was it good for you?