Pyongyang, NK—According to both Washington and Pyongyang “the race is on!” Earlier today Kim Jong Un contacted the Governor of Arkanasas, Asa Hutchinson, and challenged him to a contest. Just as a missile exploded across Un’s private launch pad on the south lawn of Un Manor, the God of North Korea told Hutchinson, “How about round two, Arkansas? You try to execute as many people as you can this week and I will fail to launch as many missiles as I can. How many people can you set on fire or leave gagging for hours on a gurney? I can watch missiles explode all day, Governor. All day! (maniacal laughter.) Oh, It’s on, bro! The winner gets to run through Trump Tower naked.”
Moscow—To the dismay of billions, Turkey has ironically chosen Thanksgiving to end the world. With tensions already high, Turkish Prime Minster Ahmet Davutoğlu raised the ante. He mooned Russian President Vladimir Putin before letting fly a barrage of inappropriate gestures and sounds a la the French-taunter scene from Monty Python’s Holy Grail. As a result the Russian Bear is on the prowl. Since Turkey is a member of NATO, Obama immediately drew a metaphorical red line in the sand, before being whisked away by the Secret Service to a secure location…to golf.