Hadron Collider Finds Evidence Of Benghazite: A Fictional Particle That Comprises Right Wing Scandals

batshitatom

Newark, NJ—Scientists believe they have discovered evidence of the delusional particle responsible for a long list of misunderstood political scandals. Currently many false political narratives are only visible to republicans under the influence of AM radio or Fox News. Physicists at Newark’s Large Propaganda Taxsinkrotron collided a particle of feces with a particle of Newtrino. Physicist, Dr. Ramenoodledan, explains, “We obtained the feces from AM radio host Rush Limbaugh’s mouth and the Newtrino from one of Newt Gingrich’s x-wives. Upon smashing these two atoms together at near light speed, we believe we have discovered the building blocks of the Republican mythos.” The particle is being hailed as a major breakthrough in political low-energy physics. Jeb Bush was unavailable for comment.

Physicist, Dr. Ramenoodledan, said, “I assume you have heard of the God Particle, well, this is nothing like that. Take confusing questions like: Is Bergdahl The Smoking Gun On Benghazi?! or Will Death Panels Finally Lewinsky Hillary’s Whitewater?! or Is The Fast & Furious Scandal Linked To The Popular Movies Of The Same Name? Many of these seemingly inane questions on Fox News and the like can be answered through Quantum Propaganda Theory. You don’t need a particle accelerator. You can try this at home. Get yourself a Glenn Beck-style chalkboard, sniff some glue, and these questions gain meaning in an alternate news reality.”

Initially physicists were going to name the particle elephantium, after the Republican symbol, but ultimately decided to go with whatever the hell Republicans think happened at that Libyan embassy. Whereas this may well be the Republican Rosetta Stone, the scientific community is not confident they will have a functional Hannity-to-reality translator until 2035. Benghazite is believed to be composed of part Bozon and part Fiction. Evidence of this sub atomic particle is sprinkled throughout the 1,000 plus pages of the Affordable Care Act. “We found particularly high levels of Benghazite in the Obamacare Death Panels,” said Dr. Ramenoodledan. When asked if the particle was found in Hillary’s computer server, the physicist said, “We have not tested that yet, but for Hillary’s sake I certainly hope so.”

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.