Republicans fear this movement is gaining traction. Even in the homophobic heartland, gays are working diligently behind the scenes to replace general stores and good ol’ boy saloons with playhouses, boutiques and gay bars.

“Our forefathers did not envision a gay nation,” said AM radio douche, Rush Bimbo. “I can speak for all of the people who founded ‘Merica, and these freedom loving, curly wig and high-heel wearing He-men—uh, did I mention pantaloons donning?—anyway, they were all dead butch, is my point.”

The current LGBT group now emerging is far more radicalized. They follow a much stricter form of homosexuality. Yes, it’s now LGBT as the Q has officially been dropped from their name.

“No more questioning or queer,” said one member of a lesbian militant group. “You are either with us, or pressed up against us. Every day is going to be gay pride day, every day there will be dazzling parades because it is time to break the chains of heteronormativity, unless those chains are from that certain club I frequent on weekends.”

The White House has ruled out the use of drones in this battle over sexual identity and gender. “Look,” said Obama, “large vibrating things targeting these people will only entice them. Besides, I am a supporter of this movement, even if I do not embrace all of their tactics, except at that certain club I frequent on weekends.”