Planting the Seeds of Discord and Unintended Consequences

The Crank

Einstein once said for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction*. One smart, hairy Jew, that E fella.  Sometimes, a reaction occurs that wasn’t foreseen by the ‘actor’. That is what is known as an ‘unintended consequence.’ The Daily Discord has become the unintended consequences capital of the internet lately and on the national stage…well, that’s even worse.

*Winslow’s note: I know, this is actually Newton’s Third Law of Motion from some 192 years before Einstein was born, but he’s on a roll…

If I read another joke on the Discord making fun of someone’s physical or mental disability (action), I get angry (reaction). The unintended consequence (UC) of that is an immediate flashback to a dream where I turn Mikko into a Bermuda tree frog. You see, there is humor, and there is the ‘oh shit, I spent all fucking day at the brew pub (or coffee shop, pick one) and now I must think of something quick and easy to fill this spot *buurrrp* type of humor.

Enter the Daily Discord.

On the national stage, every time Washington comes up with a new banking regulation to help the poor, uninformed, consumer. Their thinking is that whatever it was, will now no longer happen. The UC is that the banks just move on to another way to do what it is they do…make money. AKA, thank you Washington assholes for the five dollar debit card fee, my favorite UC of the week.

The action was Obama making it a shameful thing to be successful, to be a wealthy business man. The reaction is the liberal public, you know, the ones with no real money intent on excoriating big business. The UC is, now, when Obamatron goes looking for takers at his $45,000.00 per plate fundraiser, they are all at the Romney one. Oops! This same action had other reactions and UCs too. The White House sets up “impromptu grass roots” protests with the aid of SEIU union thugs (video seen), wherein an ‘Occupy DC’ organizer saying he paid some people to show up for some free weed. The Press calls them “Democracy in action.”  Of course, when asked what they’re protesting, you either got a “whaaaaat?” or a glazed look. When the organizers do decide to stop leaving the Mallowmars on the benches, the place will look like the side of Home Depot where the illegals hang out between “jobs.”

The UC for this, you ask? They all look even less intelligent when we remind them of Tea Party meets, where the participants actually knew what it was they were protesting, and left the place cleaner than when they started.  Meanwhile, the press reactions of ‘Astroturf, racist rednecks’ look all the more like Mikko’s brewpub jokes. You cannot have it both ways. It’s either all good or all bad. When MSNBC focused on the two obvious Nazi idiots that attended every Tea Party meet, the immediate reaction is “See, what’d I tell you?” The UC? Now when Fox focuses on the two 9/11 truthers and the one raving anti-Semite at the Wall Street protests, you can’t say shit. “When you did it, it was bad, but now we do it, it’s good.” It looks so stupid to all but the most educated elite. Oh yeah, and if you are a protester and shout out a hale and hearty Kill the Cops!, the reaction is a cheer from your buds, but the UC is this: your testicles are now in your asshole, and your face has so much pepper spray that it starts to melt off in the Mug shot of you now all over the internet.

When Eric (Mr. Winfrey) Holder said he heard of Fast & Furious gun-running only a “few weeks ago”, the reaction is a momentary clear head. The UC is when an email surfaces that he knew a year ago, he now looks like the liar he is. He lied, people died, and the cover-up makes Watergate look like child’s play in comparison. Nixon is taking notes in his grave and even Darth Cheney is jealous.

When I choose to forego taking my meds, the reaction is usually a speeding ticket. The UC is that sleeping in the Ram hurts. When my liberal friends and fambly try to edumacate me, the reaction is usually deafening silence, followed by a UC of small talk about the weather. It used to be sports small talk, but here in Arizona, it’s too depressing a subject. I hope the Cardinals kept the receipt for Kolb, maybe we can return him for a small re-stocking fee. Oh, and anyone want to buy a hockey team? It comes with a free mall!

When I choose to make a killer tomato sauce on my day off, the reaction is a heavenly supper. The UC? Garlic fingers for a week. No amount of anything changes that. It’s written in Italian law books, like a minimum sentence. “You be guilty of mak-a da sauce, you get-a da garlic fingers for-a five-a days. When I get too busy to go to the restroom all day, the reaction is no wasted time. The UC, to paraphrase Larry the Cable Guy, is the need to take a midwife with me when I do go. Ow?

If you go all the way to Germany in October, the reaction is that you better like Beer. If you don’t, the UC is weaving around the drunks and periodically scraping the vomit off your shoes. If you are a transsexual with a famous mom, and you are on Dancing With the Stars, you will go on to the finals thanks to every Gay in America voting for you week after week. The UC? You can’t dance to save your life, your knees are shot and you have a gut that makes mine look like six-pack abs. This will also become increasingly idiotic as we approach the finals. What do you mean how do I know this? I never watch it….Zano fills me in…really.

When one chooses to put their phone on ‘speaker’, the reaction is that everyone hears everything easily. The UC? Everyone hears everything, including people in the room who have such a small amount of care about your conversation that Steven fucking Hawking couldn’t find it.

When you are the first female speaker of the House of Representatives and you go amongst Tea Partiers with the rest of the Democrat gang, and you are smiling & holding an obscenely large gavel to show how you plan to ram legislation down the throats of Americans, the reaction is hatred and disgust. The UC? You are no longer speaker. You are now an overlooked old lady, and most of the ‘gang’ are now back home nursing their wounds.

When you are Senate majority leader, and you abruptly change centuries old Senate rules to favor the majority, the reaction is immediate silencing of the minority. The UC? It will come back to bite you in your boney old ass when you become the minority after the next election.

When you are the faculty of the City University of New York, and you are on tape teaching your students to go out and fight Capitalism and institute Socialism, the action is a worked up youth movement. The UC? Pissed off parents fucked out of $200K in tuition when they end up having their children living with them ‘til they die because they learned nothing in college and can’t get a job.

If you are the CEO of Tom-Tom navigation systems and you land Jeremy Clarkson to voice the GPS system, the reaction is immediate influx of money. The UC? Everyone in the U.S. now gives directions with a British fucking accent. John Cleese has not helped either.

If you are the thought police, and you try to make Religion disappear from the minds and hearts of believers in the U.S, the reaction is angry religious people. The UC? Jesus IS coming, and boy is he PISSED!

If you are the United States of America, and half of your adult residents pay no income taxes, and the same half are on some kind of government subsidy, the reaction is, well, you’re fucked. The UC? The ones who do make money and pay taxes are also, well, fucked.

After doing a story on Fast & Furious, Jon Stewart recently stated this: “Note to Fox News: You had better see a physician immediately. The erection you now have is going to last a lot longer than four hours.”

Boy is he ever right.

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