Monthly Archives: September 2010

Devo Calling for Beheading of Discord Staff

Devo Calling for Beheading of Discord Staff

Philadelphia, PA—A radicalized pop band calling themselves The People’s Republic of Devo are sticking up for the popular 80s band, Duran Duran.  They are calling for the heads of all Discord staffers in response to the ezine’s controversial decision to burn 16 copies of Rio this Saturday at the Liberty Bell Pavilion.

“They should die,” said front man, Mark Mothersbaugh.  “horribly if possible.  This is an affront to Bowie the Goblin King and all things 80s.  Think about it, what would 80s night be like without Rio?  It would be as bad as a fucking 90s night, if you can imagine that.”

CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow, is firing back—out of the side window of his Buick GNX.  “Yeah, I’m packing and I am defending my 2nd and my 18th Amendment rights.”

When it was pointed out the 18th Amendment involved the repeal of prohibition, Winslow said, “Yeah…drinking, shooting, and driving.  What did you think I was talking about?”

The FBI and local law enforcement personnel are encouraging the main contributors of The Daily Discord to take this threat seriously and are suggesting they all lay low for a while.

“Just look at those orange hats,” said Springfield Police Chief Clancy Wiggum.  “According to the MTV archives, they’re packing whips too.  Not to mention, they’re probably all doped up on goofballs.”  

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I thought your essay on Love, Spirituality, and Spooge was revolting.  Can’t you find something better to do with your free time than demean women?  You give New Age a bad name!

Gale P.

Houston, TX

Dear Gale,

Free time?  I’ll have you know I’m inappropriate to women in the workplace too.  Well, if I were gainfully employed, that is.  But, ahhh, maybe you should give my latest book a miss, Inner Paths to Pussy.  Just saying.

The Ghetto Shaman

The Terrorists Win the War on Terror: Film at 11

The Terrorists Win: Film at 11
Pierce Winslow

Reflecting on 9/11, nine years, later was damn depressing—almost as bad as reading our submissions this week.  Did you really think a bunch of radical yahoos could defeat America (and I don’t mean the Discord staff)?  Of course not, they were betting on our own stupidity, and that bet paid off far beyond their wildest expectations.

Al Qaeda can officially declare victory in the War on Terror.  In a six to five ruling last week, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals sealed our fate.  This ruling will forever protect George Bush, or any future president for that matter, from even being subject to a judicial review.  Another Watergate may never happen, well, the president is less likely to be brought to justice at any rate.  The ruling said that claims of torture will not even be investigated, as they are deemed “state secrets” not subject to court room adjudication.

George Bush's all seeing eye

Since 9/11, Americans have systematically dismantled their own freedom by granting unprecedented powers to the executive branch, the FBI, and the CIA, powers that have been used to surveil the citizenry without probable cause or due process, torture prisoners in illegally run overseas secret prisons, and also to wage unfettered, unjustified war on a global scale.  Cheney said that Obama would one day thank him for the expansion of power.   As a citizen of our once great nation, I would like to take the time to say, “Fuck you, Mr. Cheney.”

Freedom of religion and equal treatment under law have been revoked, as Americans are too scared to allow the construction of a mosque in lower Manhattan, and have declared the Muslim religion evil due to the actions of a radical minority who hate us for political reasons, not religious ones. I mean really, as if Al Quaeda would be stupid enough to put their terrorist headquarters in downtown Manhattan. Um, Hello? They operate out of Pakistan (assuming Osama hasn’t moved on). You remember? Our ally in the war on terror? The ones sucking down billions in aid which is being funneled into the Afghani insurgency? But I digress…

The mainstream media, well, OK, Fox News is very successfully fostering hatred, prejudice and fear, and building Nazi-esque nationalism by, ironically, repeatedly comparing our democratically elected government to Nazi Germany.  Joseph Goebbels would be proud. Meanwhile, the Koch brothers, Texas gazillionaires, are secretly funding the Tea Party, because they’re such big Glenn beck fans.  (Hah!  Fools.) How ironic that the second largest stockholder in Fox News’ parent company, Saudi Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal, has pumped hundreds of thousands of dollars into the very Manhattan mosque project they so fear. Am I the only one that sees the hypocrisy here? This guy is providing both the fire and the gasoline (literally) causing us to fear them and them to hate us. Why don’t we solve the whole problem by rounding up all of the Muslims and putting them into concentration camps, um, I mean resort colonies; a “final solution” if you will. Where have you heard that before?

The American economy is flying apart. Joblessness is near an 80 year high, and bankruptcies, crime rates and homelessness are following suit.  For a more hard hitting example, I am about to lay off Zano for a third time.  He is single handedly increasing both our unemployment numbers as well our nation’s under employment numbers.

Americans no longer travel because they are too scared, too poor, or do not want to deal with the hassles of air travel security restrictions or exploding underpants.

Osama bin Laden is still on the loose, somewhere (Pakistan?!?!?), orchestrating terrorist activity all over the world. He moves around, at will, sowing the seeds of anti-American sentiment, and we are watering those seeds by protesting at Mosques, burning copies of the Koran, and garroting cab drivers.

The other day, Andrew Sullivan was actually channeling Zano, instead of the other way around:

There are legitimate trade-offs between national security and liberty. But the protection of war criminals where no secrets are at stake except the scandal of torture itself is not one of them. Alas, there are few such citizens around. And, most tragic of all, those who say they care about liberty above all – the tea-partiers who invoke the founders – seem only too willing to surrender every liberty for the prize of a security against a threat we cannot even measure, and to bow down before a new king (and probably warrior-queen) rather than elect a new president.

—Andrew Sullivan, The Daily Dish, September 9, 2010

We need to change Know Hope to No Hope, but not for the reasons the wing nuts out there think. I would like to end this post on a high note…this is all going to end December 21, 2012, and I will be laying off Zano again this week.

Discord Threatens to Burn the Duran!

Discord Threatens to Burn the Duran!

Philadelphia, PA—In what is being hailed as “the copycat publicity stunt from hell”, the Daily Discord plans to burn old Duran Duran albums en mass next Saturday.  According to inside sources, Discord staffers have accumulated 16 of the band’s albums, mostly Rio, as well as one of the bassist’s rarer solo albums (Dave Atsals is a huge fan).  Unless their demands are met, the Discord is planning this pop-pyre at the Liberty Bell Pavilion in Philadelphia, PA, on the anniversary of the cancellation of Celebrity Family Feud

When asked about these demands, the Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, channeled a certain teen beauty queen. “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, uh—”

“We will burn all of these albums onto our hard drives,” cut in the Discord’s Ghetto Shaman. “Muslims hate illegal downloads.  It makes them crazy…er, crazier.”

He then recited a strange variation of Churchill’s speech, with lyrics such as: “We shall fight them on the bitches!” to the backdrop of his fellow Discordians belting out one of the worst renditions of Hungry Like the Wolf ever karaoked.  The unauthorized press conference ended when the Philadelphia Police Department tear gassed the lot.

Parenting: Why I Stopped

Mick Zano

I came across a blog the other day in which these four, all important parenting tips, are stressed for the academic success of your child. It was the act of reading these four items, in succession, that made me realize just how much my parenting style leaves to be desired.

  1. A regular bed time:

    My daughter does have a regular bed time—when the X-Box overheats, usually around 4AM. That’s only valid throughout the summer months, of course.  Now that school has started, the rules are stricter. Bed time is now when the X-Box starts flashing like it’s going to overheat, usually around 3AM.

  2. Regular meals:

    My daughter eats, I’m sure of this. I receive the grocery bills.  Does she eat regularly, though…hmmm.  We don’t have a dining room or a kitchen table to speak of.  There is a coffee table in front of the flat screen where the family gathers each evening to argue over television programs.  Actually, come to think of it, I know exactly what she eats, because it’s usually stuck to the bottom of my slippers while I’m watching American Idol. Basically, we are not so much a family as a lose association; we’re almost tribal, really.

  3. Parental involvement and expectation:

    My daughter has clear expectations.  You can only burn your own room down and daddy must approve any drug-mule job-opportunities. What kind of father would I be if didn’t ask her dealer the tough questions?

  4. Set time to do homework every night:

    Homework is the indoctrination of “the man” and all that “the man” stands for.   Besides, this is America, so math no longer applies here.  For proof of this watch any statistics used by the media. My daughter is encouraged to do what I did: do your homework on the bus on the way home from school, or pay someone to do it for you.  Did I mention this is America?  Now, back in college I had a ‘helper’ in each class.  This was typically someone who could drink for free at the Havoc House, all semester, provided I was passing the class in question.

Some of these life skills helped me make the leap from fundamental thought to entrepreneurialism. Anyway, then I thought more about this list from this blogger person, and I don’t think they’re all that meaningful.  Are they important, yes; am I failing as a parent, certainly, but here’s the thing: there’s other important aspects to parenting than meets the eye.  Case in point, I brought up the subject of drug mules; this blog person never mentioned them.

Our current society is fraught with narcissism.  These recent generations are mired in an attitude centering around, “What about me?!”  Being somewhat narcissistic myself, I realize it’s becoming increasingly harder to move kids from selfishness to selflessness.  So what is a parent to do?  In the immortal words of Ned Flander’s father, “We’ve tried nothing and we’re out of options.”  Well, I figured it out eventually.  Just follow these four simple—new and improved—parenting rules:

  1. Rent the Harry Potter movies:

    I think the Harry Potter movies are important.  They provide a framework for a religion of sorts, albeit a more pagan one, but it is filling that void created by none of us going anywhere near church except for weddings and funerals.  Besides, I’ll take a talking snake over a burning bush any day.

  2. Rent all the Shrek movies:

    For was it not Shrek who taught us that beauty is in the eye of the green-ogre.

  3. Watch Dr. Who on the SyFy Channel:

    Now she is into Dr. Who, which is teaching her that the English are strange.  Again, very important.  By the end of the school year I hope to have a more advanced course in English weirdness involving memorizing the Monty Python movies and old television episodes.  I will not teach her the corresponding drinking game versions, of course, until middle high school.

  4. A regular bed time:

    If you want to get your child to bed earlier, plug the intake air vents on their gaming system.  Bed time will start earlier for sure.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my daughter’s texting her dealer again.  I monitor all of these communications, because you can’t be too careful these days. 

The Obama’s Version of Mary Poppins Opens on Broadway

The Obama’s Version of Mary Poppins Opens on Broadway

New York, NY—In what is being hailed as a desperate move to win hearts and minds, Barak and Michelle Obama are starring in an adaptation of the classic film, Mary Poppins.  The play is set to open this week on Broadway, while many are left asking the acronym-laden question, BWTF?  During the three hour performance, the Obama’s sing and dance their way through a number of Poppins’ classics such as: a spoonful of stimulus makes the medicine—you can no longer afford—go down, and SuperStimulisticHealthcarexpialadocious!  Even though the price of it is something quite atrocious. 

Three Obama lawyer associates, from the law firm of Rodger, Rodgers, and Hammerstein, successfully bring the musical score back to an age when the musical theater genre should have been left in a nearby dumpster.

Reviews are harsh and Michelle Obama’s performance is described as “decidedly sucky” by the New York Times.  The most controversial number occurs near the play’s finale when our sitting President sings the lyrics: Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim Fuck Bush.

“I thought that the whole thing lacked a certain class,” said our own Bald Tony, who, to show his disapproval, made fart noises throughout the second half of the play—until he was pistol whipped by the Secret Service.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do you balance your enlightened journey with your alcohol consumption?  The two would seem to work against one another. As I have heard it said, what we love will eventually kill us. 

Chuck

Milford, CT

Dear Chuck,

This is precisely why I keep my X-girlfriends chained in the basement.  Well, one of the reasons.  As for balancing alcohol with a spiritual discipline, you have hit upon the very crux of the matter!  Read my book Living Gaia, Killing Liver and all will be distilled…I mean revealed.  Really, I meant revealed.

The Ghetto Shaman