Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a Shaman.  During an exotic soul retrieval last Saturday night, I journeyed to the Lowerworld and mistakenly tapped into some very dark spirits.  Mistakes were made and, as a result, I may need to enlist the help of a fellow Shaman to return to the Lowerworld and retrieve what I have now lost.

Nagual Miguel

State College, PA

Dear Nagual,

If I understand you correctly, you were looking for some Thai Hookers in the Rathskeller this weekend.  Instead, you found some stout beer on draft that went down a little too well, if you follow.  So you ended up getting into a fight, you got barred, and/or the bar staff still has your credit card.  Been there, done that… 

I believe I can help.  And by help I mean, beat you to the bar, steal your identity, and buy me a bitching jet ski.  Just send me your birthday and SS# and I will get right on this. 

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman  

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Let’s say the Mayans really could see into the future, but what if they didn’t tap into the actual events of 2012, but the trailer of the upcoming movie 2012?  It could explain everything!

Steve

Berlin, NH

What if, during your birth, oxygen was not supplied to your brain for several minutes?  It could explain everything!

The Ghetto Shaman

Hey,

If you’re so smart, how come in your book A Shamans Wisdom: Stop Limiting Your Spiritual Practice to Pot and Alcohol you left out the possessive in the title?  I would hang a dead chicken outside of your editor’s front door, dude.

Jack

Susanville, CA

Dear Jack,

I did not leave out the possessive!  If a loved one becomes possessived by evil spirits, you can regain control in chapter five of my latest work: Calling Upon the Power of Your Ancestors to Fuck with People. Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am sure about only two things after reading one of your works: the inner paths to enlightenment have nothing to do with a woman’s privates, and you know nothing about the universal truths.

Sally

Laredo, TX

Dear Sally,

The truth needs few words, aka WRONG! Read my book Shamans, Sages, and Sangrias and give me a call…around last call.  And in the immortal words of Melharishi Brooks, don’t wear anything complicated.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do I know when I’ve found the right teacher?  There are so many fakes and charlatans out there.  This is a big deal.  Any suggestions?  

Staci

West Bend, WI

Dear Staci,

Choosing the right teacher is one of the biggest decisions of your life!  The right teacher traditionally strings half-eaten chicken wings around his neck and smells of alcohol.  And remember, the first step in the journey to self-discovery begins with my latest philosophical treatise: Combining Ancient Wisdom with Hot Girl-on-Girl Action. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dude,

WTF? What is the problem with the Thai stick? Ever since Clinton got back from North Korea with them fine Asian honeys that were “very grateful, he, he” I aint been able to get dat fine Thai stick. Hook me up, dude!

The Wolfenstein and his girly girls

Dear Whatsisface and his chicky chicks,

I’m confused.  Thai stick is everywhere now, even in convenience stores.  I swear by the stuff.  If I’m on a business luncheon and I get food on my tie, it takes even the toughest stains right out.  I carry a tube of Thai Stick® in my house and one for the glove box in my car.  Consider yourself hooked up, dude and dudettes.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a truth seeker like yourself, but the truth keeps eluding me.  I always feel like I’m on the cusp of figuring something out, but invariably it slips away again.  I only seem to catch glimpses of something bigger than myself. Any suggestions, medicine man?

Charlie

Ocala, FL

Dear Charlie,

I saw your enclosed picture Charlie and, er…I’m not sure there is anything bigger than yourself.  But, as the sutras teach us, the truth is ungraspable.  Unless you manage to sneak up on the truth, grab it around the waist, and slap it on the ass.  Waving a cowboy hat over your head and making the truth say, “who’s your daddy” can also help.  But otherwise the truth is ungraspable, is my point. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Other than your work, which I found to be nonsensical-tripe, what further reading do you recommend for a serious Shamanic wannabe?

Sincerely,

Ted

Scranton, PA

Dear Ted,

Please, you cannot ignore my entire body of work! I can assure you that my next book, Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods will not be so easily dismissed!

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Out here near Seattle, there is a very nice retreat house on Whidbey Island that welcomes all faiths. Could the Ghetto Shaman host a retreat here in the Seattle area?

Phillip

Seattle, WA

Dear Phillip,

I arrange everything through my agent.  But I don’t have an agent.  So no.   An island, you say, hmmmn.  I’ll tell you what, you bring the chicks of all faiths and I’ll bring the Kool-Aid.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Dude!  The ayahuasca experience represents a Shamanic tradition dating back over five-thousand years to the people indigenous of the Amazonian basin.  You can’t just substitute the main plant spirit for Mad Dog, banana red or otherwise!  I think people who are following your “teachings” are in trouble and I think you are insane.

Jake

Abilene, TX

Dear Jake,

Insane, mwaaah?  What was your first clue, Sherlock?  I’ll have you know, I have two close friends from Amazonia, Phoenix, Amazonia to be exact, the Crank and the Zano.  In fact, Zano owes me a six pack.  Remind him of this point if you see him, and remind him of the evil spirits that possess me during the Big Jug Extra Malt detox.  Really, hurry up and tell him…

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Not everyone can afford top-shelf plant spirits.  I am merely providing an affordable alternative for the unwashed asses.