Did you back McCain while your significant other supported Obama?   Do you reside in a house divided?  The hard fought campaign still stirs emotions to an amber-level alert.  Sirens blare throughout the nation.  Dinner tables are divided, left verses right.  Double beds are split by the McCain/Obama line.

My not so formal, non-confirmed, occurring sporadically except on X-mas, or NOSEX study proves recent political division has led to the total demise of three formally happy married couples (FHMCs).  Four couples are not speaking, and three others are not consummating the election results.  The fact that this study surveyed only 3 households garnishes suspicion, but, this is the Discord.

In the first house, the wife backed McCain’s anti-abortion stance.  That was all. Nothing else mattered!  Nothing else could have, because she knew nothing else. When I asked her about Earmarks and publically funded elections, she replied, “My tax money shouldn’t go to help people get their ears tattooed.”  The husband voted for Obama, believing that whatever the wife did, the opposite was for the greater good. Can you spell DIVORCE?  The wife couldn’t.

Moving next door to my hard core Republican neighbor’s house, I encountered the same split.  The woman of the house, for Obama, was worried about McCain’s age, and despised Palin.

The female voted for McCain’s experience and loooooved Palin, she stated, “Any one that old has to know a lot.  Besides, I like how Palin winks through the camera.”

They have yet to consummate the election results, nor speak to each other.

As I knocked on the third and last door of my informal survey, it swung open.  I tried not to look inside but couldn’t avoid seeing the election results being consummated right before my very eyes. (My Lord, how does a kitchen table handle such weight?) Later that evening my grandmother stated, “Your grandfather and I do not talk politics.”  Well I guess that explains it, so much for my ‘they really voted for Nader’ theory (TRVFN).

Divisiveness among political views has led to hard feelings, failed marriages, and ended friendships.  At local pubs, dive bars, and one gentlemen’s club, drunken debates (or ‘field work’ as they call it) have surfaced between Daily Discord contributors. These open exchanges of ideas rarely cause Flip Flops in stance. They lead only to hard feelings with no clear cut winner, except the one that yells the loudest and, of course, slips out leaving the bar tab.  It’s all fun and games until someone is barred from their favorite watering hole.

Obama has promised to reach across the aisle and bring everyone together.  In order to do this, he will have to start door to door, preferably at my house.  I will greet him with “Hello Mr. President.  Could you please get my friend Pokey back into Zenos, order Mick to attend Caffeine Anonymous meetings, and remove your line from my bed?  Oh, and one more thing, there are these outstanding bills at a place called the Bullfrog….”

Dear Goomis,

Dilemma?  Mwaah?  I have simply stated ad infinitum that America will not survive eight years of George W. Bush (Me, 2004).  I am not particularly happy about this development, because this is the country where I happen to get drunk a lot.  As to your point about the Bush years being over, they most certainly are not.  I’m stunned that this man is still making decisions (if you can call them that).  He just appointed a man who pissed away more money on this ‘bailout plan’ than, well…than Bush himself did in the seventies.  Let’s be clear, Barak Obama only has about a fifteen percent chance of limping this country along, but in the immortal words of Leslie Neilson, “There’s only about a ten percent chance of that.”

The best case scenario for our county is extraordinarily gloomy, Goomy, but only for those material-minded amongst us.  For the rest of us, this may be an exciting opportunity to live out all those exciting reality television shows.  Lost?  You better believe we are.  World’s dirties jobs?  It’s back to digging your own outhouse. World’s nastiest food guy?  We’re all going on the Renfield diet-plan soon enough.  Oh, and let’s see how long Survivor Man lasts in a Long Island Wal-Mart holding the last bushel of apples. I can’t wait for that one. 

Many tried to protect their assets by voting for the Republicans in 2004.  Some of us made comments to the Wayne Rogers and Ben Steins of the world at that time; I suggested that they use the money to build bunkers (Me, 2004).  Now, a few short years later, we are facing an economic collapse, two endless wars, and a constitutional crisis.   The trick is never to damage the constitution in the first place.  The trick is not to follow Russia or England’s lead into an endless imperialistic nation-building project (solo). The trick is not to squander the credibility that this country took over two-hundred years to develop.  The trick is not to tank a virtually unsinkable economy.  Make no mistake—the damage has been done. There is very little to do now, except stockpile canned goods. The “One” is done before he even gets to bat.  Hope is nice and all, but it won’t pay the bills.  Hope was in 2004.  Captain cardboard might have been able to do something back then.  The times they are a changing, and the really tough choices should have been made long ago. Thomas Friedman continues to be a real leader in this department, and I hope Obama heeds his advice. 

As for your comment about asking them (Al-Qaeda) why they hate us, well…I’m sure they have a host of legitimate reasons and a host of illegitimate ones—which still does not excuse one item on a terrorist organization’s agenda.  This is another example of the FOX News fallacy (FNF).  FOX paints anyone who questions our strategy as an appeaser and pools anyone who questions Bush in with the denialist squad.  Pacifistic appeasers are rampant in the US and they function predominately at a ‘green’ level of consciousness.  I have referred to these folks as the ‘Bake Al-Qaeda Brownies people.’  They are the main targets of the FOX News All-stars.  It is noble to be pacifistic but unrealistic when it comes to terrorist organizations.  These liberal pluralists are unfortunately the main justification for the right’s ongoing stupidity.  

The republican agenda has coddled these corporate criminals.  The Dems, not wanting to be outdone, have now thrown their hat into the ring and are predominately responsible for the current sub-prime mortgage crises.  Our President, always ready to up the stupidity ante, has now compounded the problem by doing something about it.  Hooray for George W. Bush, the anti-King Midas, the man who turns everything he touches into shit.

At the last Republican Convention, Duncan Hunter stated “America doesn’t apologies to anyone” (that was embarrassing).  Michael Moore described pre-war Iraq like Disneyland (that was embarrassing).  The problem with most Americans is that they only have a visceral response to one or the other, but not both statements.  That’s the polarization of America under Rove; that’s the closing of the American mind.  You yourself only here one side of the argument and at this point probably always will.  If you are happy with either party at this point, you’re sniffing glue (Me, 2006). The Democrats scare the shit out of me.  Obama’s going to spend?  What money?  Our deficit has reached a point of absurdity.  Someone said that “people choose a party out of ignorance and stay with that party out of pride.”  Never has that statement been more true than today.

I supported the war in Afghanistan, but watched stunned as our army pinned Bin Laden up in the hills of Tora Bora almost to the moment Bush systematically diverted 70 million dollars (without congressional approval) toward the invasion of Iraq (the first of many impeachable offenses).  I knew then that this was a turning point for the United States of America.  Iraq needed to be sanctioned, watched, and maybe even invaded, but not amidst the pleas for patience by inspectors like Hans Blix.   I protested ‘Shock and Awe’ day along with three other people.  We were beeped at, jeered at, and flipped-off by our hometown ‘patriots.’   I was made to feel un-American by the likes of Sean Hannity, a man who championed the long string of White House policies that have crippled our country.  Sean has essentially been wrong about everything with the sole exception that ‘there are bad people out there, who mean to harm us.’  Very astute, dip shit.  You know when I figured that out, Sean? 9-fucking-11. The difference between you and I is that I’ve figured out a lot of other things since then. 

Of course, all of the blame doesn’t go to the Bushter; this is a systemic problem, but his catastrophic leadership during a critical juncture in our country’s history has dealt a major blow to our credibility and our future.  He is the symbol of everything that is wrong with our country.  Here comes Incurious George donning his emperor’s new clothes as he water boards his way to world freedom. 

What hurt Al-Qaeda most since the onset of the ‘war on terror’ was the election of one Barak Hussein Obama.  This did not cripple the top leadership of Al-Qaeda but it will help with the soft war, and it could hinder Al-Qaeda’s ability to recruit.  In other words, they will have less people available to fly in the planes that crash into our buildings. 

FACT:  Every NIE report states Al-Qaeda is alive and well and many have reported that the organization has strengthened since 9-11.

FACT: Having two-story billboard pics of Abu Ghraib atrocities (sanctioned by the Bushies) in downtown Tehran has been a tremendous recruitment tool for those who mean us harm.

FACT: Instead of winning one war in Afghanistan, we are losing two wars.  Iraq is an endless, billion dollars a week, stalemate at best.

FACT: We are heading toward bankruptcy.  The American way of life is a  crumbling house of cards.

FACT: To gain intelligence you gain trust.  Every intelligence agency in the last two centuries knows this, so donning your ‘I’d Rather Be Wateboarding’ t-shirt only shows the world that you’re functioning at a staggeringly low level of consciousness.

Much to the chagrin of the Hannity’s of the world, stating these facts does not place me into the ‘Bake Al-Qaeda Brownies’ club. They are simply painful facts about the last eight years under our country’s gross mismanagement.

For the last decade my fellow Discordians have been discussing a series of events that, sadly, have all come to pass.  Here’s what we’re talking about now:

NEXT FACT: Capitalism became super capitalism became super (imaginary) capitalism.  

NEXT FACT: Now we are discussing the less pleasant aspects of a societal collapse…things like food and water shortages. 

NEXT FACT: We have re-watched every Road Warrior movie, without popcorn, to prepare for the inevitable.

You’re prediction, Goomis, that the economy will turn around in a few months, is a continuation of the FOX delusion.  Time to pull those plugs from your head and climb out of the tub any time, Keanu.  You stated in your rebuttal that the last time you checked this was a democracy.  Last time I checked, we had war criminals in the White House—individuals far above the rule of law.  Like it or not our government is a joke and we have slipped quietly into banana-republic-land (BRL).  You are right about one thing; it is time to look to the future…a future that will be very different than the “FOX News All Stars” are predicting.  And, yes, they will call it the Obama Depression, because they are assholes.

But I’ll tell you what, I’ll try to make this my last rant on Bush (operative word, try).  And how about I save your socialist comments for the next rebuttal?  I need to buy some more pancake mix for my latest venture, the ‘Hot Cakes for Hezbollah’ program.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

Dear Mick,

There are many problems with your last bullshit-filled verbal-diarrhea (BFVD). You claim to be a social liberal but a fiscal conservative. MY ASS. I know you…a little TOO well. You’re only conservative with your “fiscal”. Your friends and family have noticed all too well how “liberal” you are with our fucking “fiscal.” You are a tight ass, Mickky, and your ass is so tight it’s fucking watertight. When you fart it’s like letting the helium out of a balloon by squeezing the opening between your fingers. What sound is emitted can only be heard by dogs. Haven’t you ever noticed how the barking starts in your neighborhood soon after the burrito dinner at Taco Bell?

But I digress. Mick, as I’ve said before, this is a democracy. I’m really not sure you understand the meaning of the word. After all, your whole experience in the world of academia consisted of getting to know the local Buford T. Justices of the world to avoid spending any time behind bars for the fucking 24/7 keg party that you called college—whilst your parents toiled mightily back home to put you through five and a half fucking years for your four-year Liberal Farts degree (bark, bark).  Nice work, by the way, telling them that the school added classes to the degree “at the last minute.”  You’re finished at Faber, Zano! Expelled! I want you off this campus Monday morning! And I’m sure you’ll be happy to know that I have notified your local draft board and told them that you are now eligible for military service….(Sorry)

Anyway, in a democracy, the team with the most votes wins, period. Now, as far as I am concerned, Professor Steven Fucking Hawking could not measure the infinitesimally small iota of care I have on the subject of whether or not gays marry. But, obviously, MOST people do. Just like MOST people voted Obama in. Just like MOST men I know want to do Sarah Palin’s ass, especially when she is peering over toward Russian shores. Majority rules.

The gays do themselves a major disservice by violent protests. The video of a 250 pound male gay knocking over an old lady and trampling on her Cross, stays with me, and will for a long time. I would love to make that guy’s head the hood ornament on my, soon to be worthless, Ram.  Come on?  That level of violence, for such a bullshit problem? I have lived through students deaths at Kent State. That was about young people being killed in Vietnam, not about a word. That’s all this is, a word. Marriage. SO FUCKING WHAT! Most people want gays to have civil unions with all the rights that “married” people do. It’s just that you are about as far away from a religious person, Mikko, as one can get, so you don’t get how important the word “marriage” is to the religious. Let em’ have it! It’s not worth it. Move on, people. But somehow, Mikko, I don’t believe that you will…and in some inexplicable way that makes me very happy.

Yours Unruly

Goomis

I’m proud to notice how Mick Zano’s writing skills have sharpened with this recent move west; I only wish I could say the same about his reasoning skills.  On the gay marriage issue, Mick makes one valid point, and on that I agree—many people’s rational arguments against gay marriage are a mere mask for their deeper bigoted motivations.  Unfortunately, there are occasions when bigoted assholes make better arguments than Mick Zano.

Mick suggests that these bigots—I suppose the Dali Lama should be included—have banded together to pick on the oppressed minority of homosexuals by denying them their inherent right to marriage.  But this dispute wasn’t started by the bigots; it was started by gay activists themselves, who went through the courts to change the traditional definition of marriage.  They argue that the issue of gay marriage is comparable to allowing bi-racial couples the right to marry.  This is not a civil rights issue and homosexuals have the same right to marriage as I do—we both have the right to marry…a person of the opposite sex.  Neither of us can marry people of the same sex. Government sanctioned marriage by definition exists between one adult man and one adult woman; I’d personally like to marry three different eleven-year old lamas (the Dali Lama not included), but that desire does not conform to the traditional definition of marriage.  I’m not going to turn this into a civil rights issue; I’m going to make my argument to the American people and elect legislators who will change the law so that my romantic aspirations can be realized (watch your life-sized nativity scene animals this Christmas, folks; that’s all I’m saying).

And let’s remember that gay couples already posses the right to marry before their family, friends, some churches, and God. They just don’t have the right to have their marriage recognized by the United States government.  Why is it so important for gay people to have the government recognize their homosexual union in the first place?  Why does the government recognize any marriage at all?  The answer—children.  Marriage has traditionally been the institution that best supports the nurturing and development of the future generations.

I do believe that it’s important for our society to respect alternative family units, and allow these families the equal legal rights that are provided to traditional marriages—including the right to adopt.  Civil unions are the legal bridge that avoids the anger, resentment, and crisis provoked by the ‘gay marriage’ issue.

With civil unions as a viable legal institution, the issue of gay marriage need not be this hotbed of political division, but if activists choose to press the fight by going to the courts, then please don’t blame me, the Dali Lama, or our bigoted mob.