Santa Monica, CA—Billionaire and SpaceX owner, Elon Musk, is blaming an employee for a glitch that sent his ride into space on Wednesday. After the Falcon Heavy blasted off with his car, Mr. Musk found himself with no ride from the launch pad back to his mansion in Bel Air. One onlooker was hesitant to pick up the mogul, because, “He looked a little too yuppie, and out of place with his obviously Photoshopped cardboard sign.”
Washington—Congressman Adam Schiff of the House Intelligence Committee is in hot water today after soap and hot water could not completely undo his recent permanent-marker handiwork. The rogue congressman allegedly leaked the Democratic rebuttal to the controversial Nunes-memo, in its entirety, in bathroom-graffiti form. President Trump, who recently vetoed the release of the memo, is reportedly furious with Schiff’s antics and vows to enact swift justice in the form of a barrage of admonishing presidential tweets #ForGetTheMemo.
Tweet Tower—In the wake of three deadly Amtrak crashes in the last fifty days, President Trump is standing by his decision to gut the U.S. Department of Transportation’s budget by 13%. The president said, “I don’t own a train and I don’t take the train. Who the hell still takes an F-ing train? …well, besides Republican congressmen, I guess. But hey, that $2.4 billion I saved went directly to folks in my tax bracket. It’s win-win, because my rich friends never board those death traps. And why don’t they have McDonald’s on those things? Sad.”
Punxsutawney, PA— Punxsutawney Phil is back in the news today and back on his medications. The famous Pennsylvania rodent is predicting six more years of Trump followed by a sharknado that will destroy civilization as we know it. Phil was recently diagnosed with a major depressive disorder with psychotic features, which may be playing a role in his darker than usual visions of the future. His vetritherapist claims the fluffy creature is still ‘with Hillary’ and remains a staunch liberal. This might explain Phil’s other dark predictions of an end to the UN, the FBI, the EPA, the FDA, the electoral college and parts of Rachel Maddow.
Tweet Tower—Two turkeys, Ozzy & Harriet, are desperately awaiting word of the president’s overdue pardon. The National Pardoning Ceremony is a time honored tradition, but, thus far in his presidency, Donald Trump has ignored most customs and traditions. The turkeys are demanding the president keep his word and pardon the two before they become the guests of honor on the White House menu tomorrow. Friends of the turkeys are speaking out, “This is like winning the lottery, then you don’t get the money and then someone eats your ass. It’s really fucked up.”
Tucson, AZ—Philippe Gonzales received his results from Ancestry.com and he was “shocked” to discover he’s 80% Mexican. Despite being born in Mexico in a Mexican family, Mr. Gonzales has identified as a white Aryan supremacist for most of his life. He spends much of his time traveling between Walmart home and garden centers and white supremacist rallies. Yesterday, after much self-debate, he vowed to take matters into his own hands. Without a word to his family Mr. Gonzales wrestled himself into his Ford Bronco at gunpoint and drove himself to the Mexican border at gunpoint. Once there he forced himself over the wall and into Mexico with strict self-instructions never to return.