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Martha Stewart To Replace Ryan Zinke As Secretary Of Interior

Tweet Tower—President Trump has Martha Stewart slated to become the next Secretary of the Interior. The president signed an executive order today ending the nomination process, so Stewart may begin her new duties immediately. Choosing a candidate and confirming them can now be accomplished with one tweet as long as the president adheres to established Twitter character guidelines #ConfirmationTweeting. President Trump told the press today, “It’s going to be easier this way, for me. But Martha’s the best person for the job. She’ll make the interior all color-coordinated and maybe provide the country with some matching throw pillows. I can’t wait to see what she does with the place. She also comes with her own lawyers and her own rap sheet, so she’s way ahead of most of my other peeps. We call that “Trump ready.” Hey, we said on the application, knowledge of the legal system a plus.”

What Actual Statute Has Trump Violated, Zano? My Answer: U.S. Code § 45(b)86’d

My friend is still fighting the good fight by further enabling our criminal in chief. To put his blind allegiance into perspective, even Tucker Carlson and Ann Coulter have recently distanced themselves from our president. Sometimes it seems like Sean Hannity and my blogvesary are the last two stalwart Trumpian defenders. Guardians of the Fallacy? He thinks he’s fighting for everyone unjustly oppressed by our legal system, yet he supported all 7 Benghazi investigations and ignored all the really egregious stuff over the last twenty years. He’s ironically questioning authority, but failing to question authoritarianism. Since Trump’s coronation there’s been a certain lurking inevitability of scandal and costly missteps that our conservative friends are either blatantly misinterpreting or willfully ignoring. Their argument? Thus far Trump is being thwarted when he attempts to test our checks and balances. I’m sure if things were reversed they’d be ‘real comfortable’ with Obama trying this shit, ha! I had bet good money that massive scandals would surface rather quickly for ass-clown, so why the surprised face? Instead of covering the potential demise of our republic, Fox & Frauds would rather continue to investigate the Clinton Foundation. Obsessive Repulsive Disorder? You’re not exposing my hypocrisy, Pokey, but displaying your own. 

Sentinelese Tribe Rejects Missionary’s Application For Asylum

India’s North Sentinel Island—The Sentinelese tribesmen responsible for the recent death of an American missionary man on a remote island off the coast of India are finally speaking out today about the slaying. In an exclusive interview, tribal spokesman, Bob the Elder, told The Discord, “Yeah, we have some pretty tough immigration laws here on Stay The F’ Off Our Island. We’re closely watching what’s happening along the U.S.’s southern border and we really don’t want any of that shit here. A caravan of kayakers paddling over from Honduras is not our idea of good time. Hey, but at least we don’t snatch children from their families and detain them on separate sandbars. That’s some crazy Sheriff Joe like shit. We are satisfied with our current process for asylum seekers. We, the inhabitants of Stay The F’ Off Our Island, will continue to carefully review each and every application, *cough* between arrow volleys.”

Dessert Choice At Brexit Summit Sparks Outrage

Brussels, BE—The Brexit summit in Belgium arrived with a hefty side order of sarcasm today. The choice of dessert, a giant banana split, struck a negative chord with at least one member of the accord. Many believe the UK is making a historic blunder by brexiting the EU, so several dignitaries desperately attempted to stifle their laughter as the desserts made their way to the table. “No one is laughing,” said May sternly. “Except, of course, all you people laughing. But let me remind you this is no laughing matter. No really, I’ve been crying myself to sleep for weeks over this. Oh, and the duck was salty!” No duck was served at the event, so many believe this was a very clever pun.

Military Positions Giant Barbed Slinky Along Border To Get Caravan As They’re Coming Up The Stairs

Del Rio, TX—For the cost of only about a $100 million a month, the U.S. military is being deployed to meet the roughly 200 individuals in the infamous caravan expected to complete the journey from Guatemala. Three-star General Tim Bradley explains, “We have the higher ground. Mexico is south and thereby downhill, so we have a killer slinky waiting for any man, woman, or child who tries to seek legal asylum in the U.S.” When asked about the potential overkill of deploying such a weapon, General Bradley said, “Yeah, just be thankful we didn’t go with the giant Death Jenga.”

To Kill A Mocking Slur: Resisting The Resistance

Trump mocked the Dems as they hurled anything and everything at the supreme court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh, dart board. No surprise, Zano is sticking by the liberal lies. If it wasn’t the Democratic Party, then who was it that lied to the public about Kavanaugh being a serial gang-rapist? I’m following the evidence, Zano. During prosecutor Rachel Mitchell’s closing segment, she asked, “I’ve been really impressed today because you’ve talked about norepinephrine and cortisol effects of trauma. Have you also educated yourself on the best way to get to memory and truth in terms of interviewing victims of trauma?” Dr. Ford answered, “No.” Mitchell said, “Would you believe me if I told you that there’s no study that says that this setting [the hearing] …is the best way to do that?”

[Laughter.]

Top Ten Slogans Rejected By Amazon

Jeff Bezos is currently the second richest man in modern history (just behind C. Montgomery Burns), so his company, Amazon, is obviously doing pretty well. However, since Amazon is always looking to get a hold of more of your hard-earned cash, they are searching for some new-eye grabbing slogans. Here is a list of the ones that died on the editor’s chopping block, but that I managed to get a hold of:

  1. Amazon: you don’t have to need clothes to buy ’em.
  2. New Alexa app spends your whole paycheck for you! 
  3. By 2020 you’re working for us, and by 2021 you’re replaced by a cyborg. 

Start Asking The Right Questions, Not The Right’s Questions

Just answer the question? I’m done answering these endless distractions in the guise of questions. The questions posed in your last feature, Mr. McDooris, are faulty from the get-go. Your first argument, let’s call it number one, smells more like number two. Yes, I went there, but so did nearly half of America in the 2016 election. Electoral sewage? Oh, and when I point out how 9 out of 10 experts generally don’t agree with the republican assessment of any given situation, it’s only because 9 out of 10 experts generally don’t agree with the republican assessment of any given situation (at least retrospectively, aka, One Step Beyond the Twiright Zone). There’s never any validity to the rightwing’s focus and if validity does exist somewhere it’s some overhyped semi-relevant tidbit. Thus enters Pokey’s focus on Robert Mueller’s bias and his pending recusal from the Russia probe. Heez Nuts? 

Just Answer The Question, Zano!

Mick Zano’s approach to our current Russian investigation debate, if you can call it an approach, is to list nine out of ten unnamed fictitious “experts” from the future who will someday conclude that the FISA warrants were justified. Nice. I don’t have access to his futuristic technologies. My approach is to read the four FISA applications and use reason to clarify my own convictions based on facts. By the way, name one of these legal experts currently willing to stake their reputation on the validity of the FISA warrant. Name one. Remember that old Robert Conrad commercial where he dares you to knock that battery off his shoulder? Yeah, Zano, this is like that…