India’s North Sentinel Island—The Sentinelese tribesmen responsible for the recent death of an American missionary man on a remote island off the coast of India are finally speaking out today about the slaying. In an exclusive interview, tribal spokesman, Bob the Elder, told The Discord, “Yeah, we have some pretty tough immigration laws here on Stay The F’ Off Our Island. We’re closely watching what’s happening along the U.S.’s southern border and we really don’t want any of that shit here. A caravan of kayakers paddling over from Honduras is not our idea of good time. Hey, but at least we don’t snatch children from their families and detain them on separate sandbars. That’s some crazy Sheriff Joe like shit. We are satisfied with our current process for asylum seekers. We, the inhabitants of Stay The F’ Off Our Island, will continue to carefully review each and every application, *cough* between arrow volleys.”
Brussels, BE—The Brexit summit in Belgium arrived with a hefty side order of sarcasm today. The choice of dessert, a giant banana split, struck a negative chord with at least one member of the accord. Many believe the UK is making a historic blunder by brexiting the EU, so several dignitaries desperately attempted to stifle their laughter as the desserts made their way to the table. “No one is laughing,” said May sternly. “Except, of course, all you people laughing. But let me remind you this is no laughing matter. No really, I’ve been crying myself to sleep for weeks over this. Oh, and the duck was salty!” No duck was served at the event, so many believe this was a very clever pun.
Del Rio, TX—For the cost of only about a $100 million a month, the U.S. military is being deployed to meet the roughly 200 individuals in the infamous caravan expected to complete the journey from Guatemala. Three-star General Tim Bradley explains, “We have the higher ground. Mexico is south and thereby downhill, so we have a killer slinky waiting for any man, woman, or child who tries to seek legal asylum in the U.S.” When asked about the potential overkill of deploying such a weapon, General Bradley said, “Yeah, just be thankful we didn’t go with the giant Death Jenga.”
Trump mocked the Dems as they hurled anything and everything at the supreme court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh, dart board. No surprise, Zano is sticking by the liberal lies. If it wasn’t the Democratic Party, then who was it that lied to the public about Kavanaugh being a serial gang-rapist? I’m following the evidence, Zano. During prosecutor Rachel Mitchell’s closing segment, she asked, “I’ve been really impressed today because you’ve talked about norepinephrine and cortisol effects of trauma. Have you also educated yourself on the best way to get to memory and truth in terms of interviewing victims of trauma?” Dr. Ford answered, “No.” Mitchell said, “Would you believe me if I told you that there’s no study that says that this setting [the hearing] …is the best way to do that?”
Jeff Bezos is currently the second richest man in modern history (just behind C. Montgomery Burns), so his company, Amazon, is obviously doing pretty well. However, since Amazon is always looking to get a hold of more of your hard-earned cash, they are searching for some new-eye grabbing slogans. Here is a list of the ones that died on the editor’s chopping block, but that I managed to get a hold of:
- Amazon: you don’t have to need clothes to buy ’em.
- New Alexa app spends your whole paycheck for you!
- By 2020 you’re working for us, and by 2021 you’re replaced by a cyborg.
Just answer the question? I’m done answering these endless distractions in the guise of questions. The questions posed in your last feature, Mr. McDooris, are faulty from the get-go. Your first argument, let’s call it number one, smells more like number two. Yes, I went there, but so did nearly half of America in the 2016 election. Electoral sewage? Oh, and when I point out how 9 out of 10 experts generally don’t agree with the republican assessment of any given situation, it’s only because 9 out of 10 experts generally don’t agree with the republican assessment of any given situation (at least retrospectively, aka, One Step Beyond the Twiright Zone). There’s never any validity to the rightwing’s focus and if validity does exist somewhere it’s some overhyped semi-relevant tidbit. Thus enters Pokey’s focus on Robert Mueller’s bias and his pending recusal from the Russia probe. Heez Nuts?
Tweet Tower—The President was all smiles today upon announcing a joint business venture between The Kremlin and Tweet Tower. The president is denying his recent meeting with Vladimir Putin in Helsinki had anything to do with this historic and controversial real estate deal. When asked the president said, “This topic never came up at the summit. We had lots of other deals, I mean things to talk about. I think we just talked about Russian adoptions …and stuff. It’s all in the notes the Russians took.”
Tweet Tower—Shortly after President Trump’s first inflammatory tweet was directed at Iran’s president, a second tweet attack was launched from deep in the bowels of Tweet Tower (aka, a staffer admits the president was going ‘number two’ at the time). The Defense Department is downplaying their attempt to set up a back channel to Twitter headquarters in an effort to cut off the president’s ability to launch unauthorized tweets of war. Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis said, “That’s preposterous!” He then made the following cryptic statement without explanation: “Omeonesay omfray ittertway allcay emay, ASAP. The very future of Earth aymay ependday onyay it.”