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How Republicans Weaponized Technicalities For Both Offense And Defense

While Muellering the latest Russia-probe developments somewhere in Page, AZ, the above headline suddenly Stzrok me. This is at the heart of the problem with our debates, Pokey. Not my groaners, but the fact it’s always Serious Criminality v Fictional Technicality. We have had serious scandals in recent history, so why focus on the Benghazi Chronicles? No one ever said, I bet Hillary is mishandling her emails so let’s investigate. Republicans simply scrutinized every aspect of Hillary’s life in search of their coveted ‘technicality’. This is at the heart of today’s attack on the Mueller probe as well. The Special Counsel will find some level of Trump collusion/conspiracy, aka the reason for the investigation in the first place, and wrongdoing will likely range somewhere between highly troubling to legally damning. But this is never the case rightward. From the right’s perspective none of that matters, because the investigation never should have occurred due to this aforementioned ‘technicality’, the relevance or legitimacy of which is always secondary. Any inconsistencies, no matter how trivial, convoluted, or incomprehensible will suffice, so long as Fox & Frauds can use them to muddy those waters and avoid the very real indictments lurking at the threshold.

[Bo Diddley was a Deep One joke removed by the editor.]

[Winslow: Stop tailoring your jokes to the handful of Old Blues/Lovecraft fans out there]

Indonesian Volcano Claims Responsibility For Eruption, Tsunami, And Related Death Toll

Toosoon, Indonesia—Satellite images released by the Japan Aerospace Picture Satellite prove the volcano known as Anak Krakatoa was responsible for blowing its top last week and creating a wave of hostile H2O molecules bent on destroying everything in its path. Shortly after the release of the satellite photos, the volcano claimed responsibility for the vile, heinous and unwarranted act. Since the event targeted Indonesians living at or around the volcano itself many liberals are labeling this a hate crime. Yeah, very magmananimous of them…

Martha Stewart To Replace Ryan Zinke As Secretary Of Interior

Tweet Tower—President Trump has Martha Stewart slated to become the next Secretary of the Interior. The president signed an executive order today ending the nomination process, so Stewart may begin her new duties immediately. Choosing a candidate and confirming them can now be accomplished with one tweet as long as the president adheres to established Twitter character guidelines #ConfirmationTweeting. President Trump told the press today, “It’s going to be easier this way, for me. But Martha’s the best person for the job. She’ll make the interior all color-coordinated and maybe provide the country with some matching throw pillows. I can’t wait to see what she does with the place. She also comes with her own lawyers and her own rap sheet, so she’s way ahead of most of my other peeps. We call that “Trump ready.” Hey, we said on the application, knowledge of the legal system a plus.”

What Actual Statute Has Trump Violated, Zano? My Answer: U.S. Code § 45(b)86’d

My friend is still fighting the good fight by further enabling our criminal in chief. To put his blind allegiance into perspective, even Tucker Carlson and Ann Coulter have recently distanced themselves from our president. Sometimes it seems like Sean Hannity and my blogvesary are the last two stalwart Trumpian defenders. Guardians of the Fallacy? He thinks he’s fighting for everyone unjustly oppressed by our legal system, yet he supported all 7 Benghazi investigations and ignored all the really egregious stuff over the last twenty years. He’s ironically questioning authority, but failing to question authoritarianism. Since Trump’s coronation there’s been a certain lurking inevitability of scandal and costly missteps that our conservative friends are either blatantly misinterpreting or willfully ignoring. Their argument? Thus far Trump is being thwarted when he attempts to test our checks and balances. I’m sure if things were reversed they’d be ‘real comfortable’ with Obama trying this shit, ha! I had bet good money that massive scandals would surface rather quickly for ass-clown, so why the surprised face? Instead of covering the potential demise of our republic, Fox & Frauds would rather continue to investigate the Clinton Foundation. Obsessive Repulsive Disorder? You’re not exposing my hypocrisy, Pokey, but displaying your own. 

Sentinelese Tribe Rejects Missionary’s Application For Asylum

India’s North Sentinel Island—The Sentinelese tribesmen responsible for the recent death of an American missionary man on a remote island off the coast of India are finally speaking out today about the slaying. In an exclusive interview, tribal spokesman, Bob the Elder, told The Discord, “Yeah, we have some pretty tough immigration laws here on Stay The F’ Off Our Island. We’re closely watching what’s happening along the U.S.’s southern border and we really don’t want any of that shit here. A caravan of kayakers paddling over from Honduras is not our idea of good time. Hey, but at least we don’t snatch children from their families and detain them on separate sandbars. That’s some crazy Sheriff Joe like shit. We are satisfied with our current process for asylum seekers. We, the inhabitants of Stay The F’ Off Our Island, will continue to carefully review each and every application, *cough* between arrow volleys.”

Dessert Choice At Brexit Summit Sparks Outrage

Brussels, BE—The Brexit summit in Belgium arrived with a hefty side order of sarcasm today. The choice of dessert, a giant banana split, struck a negative chord with at least one member of the accord. Many believe the UK is making a historic blunder by brexiting the EU, so several dignitaries desperately attempted to stifle their laughter as the desserts made their way to the table. “No one is laughing,” said May sternly. “Except, of course, all you people laughing. But let me remind you this is no laughing matter. No really, I’ve been crying myself to sleep for weeks over this. Oh, and the duck was salty!” No duck was served at the event, so many believe this was a very clever pun.

Military Positions Giant Barbed Slinky Along Border To Get Caravan As They’re Coming Up The Stairs

Del Rio, TX—For the cost of only about a $100 million a month, the U.S. military is being deployed to meet the roughly 200 individuals in the infamous caravan expected to complete the journey from Guatemala. Three-star General Tim Bradley explains, “We have the higher ground. Mexico is south and thereby downhill, so we have a killer slinky waiting for any man, woman, or child who tries to seek legal asylum in the U.S.” When asked about the potential overkill of deploying such a weapon, General Bradley said, “Yeah, just be thankful we didn’t go with the giant Death Jenga.”