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Let’s Work Diligently To Keep Republicanism Safe, Legal, and Rare

Maybe this wasn’t the best tagline to support someone’s right to choose, but it’s certainly fits the bill for today’s GOP, doesn’t it? No, this is not an article about abortion rights. Today I’m contemplating the disturbing rise of populism and if there’s still time to do anything about it. My blogvesary has been goading me into an abortion debate for a long time to which I will only say this: the mother should have the right to an abortion in cases when a child is at clear risk of becoming a registered Republican. Sorry, I don’t think men get to have this debate. We don’t have the equipment and we tend to be jerks (or 0 for 2 …you know, like your last two presidents). Facing overpopulation and potential extinction maybe our steadily decreasing abortion rates shouldn’t be our biggest concern in 2020. What concerns me is the uncanny ability of our conservative friends to weaponize such religiously-charged issues to bolster their ongoing/confounding relevance and electoral successes—successes that, not only fly in the face of logic, but cause other unseemly things to happen to said logical face.

[Erase burning image of Spock’s cameo in Something About Mary, erase burning image of Spock’s cameo in Something about Mary. Take shower.]

Experts Warn If Shutdown Persists Government Will Only Start Again If Pushed Down Steep Hill

Tweet Tower—President Trump’s ghoulish adviser, Stephen Miller, is warning the world that if the president’s demands for wall funding are ignored any longer, the government may not start again in the traditional fashion. He told the press today the president may have to use an executive order to ‘pop the clutch’, or ‘Trump-start’ the nation to get it running properly. Some theorize this could be accomplished by pushing the government down a steep hill. The White House has not confirmed that it’s considering the hill over on 13th street by Columbia Heights. “This is unchartered territory,” said  Miller. “We should probably just meet the president’s demands on this one. Why take the chance that our country’s brakes could fail?”

Bionic Bezos Bimbo Identified!

The National Enquirer has identified the cybernetic entity involved in the most costly pending divorce the world has ever known. Jeff Bezos is denying the infidelity, claiming, “She doesn’t even have HDMI ports; we are totally incompatible.” The billionaire is also standing by his IT department’s programming algorithms, which strictly forbids their cyborgs to engage in extramarital affairs. Bezos claims the ‘steamy text messages’ at the heart of the scandal were actually meant for Siri. “I was just talking to Siri. I flirt with her sometimes, sure, but it’s totally bionic *cough* platonic. We really connect sometimes, but it’s just a hobby, really, like sewing or shuttlecock. Damn, take that last one out, please.” 

Venue Announced For Fakeapalooza 2019!

South Park, CO—Today Spectr-phil-A Records proudly announced the venue for their 8th annual Fakeapalooza. The popular fictional music-jest will be held in South Park, Colorado this year and the event is scheduled to last a full a eleven days, “because our music festivals go to eleven!” Many of the best names in fictional rock are already booked, such as Spinal Tap, The Rutles, Eddie and The Cruisers, Josie & The Pussycats, Sex Bob-om, The Soggy Bottom boys, The Hong Kong Cavaliers (minus Buckaroo Bazai), Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem (minus Animal, who’s in rehab), the non-surviving members of the Monkees and parts of Gene Simmons. There’s even rumors The Discord’s own Armpit Salesmen will be making an appearance! The Salesmen, a self-described Spinal Tap cover band, features Cokie McGrath (whichever one is available) on lead vocals, Tony Benjamin-Franklin Ballz on lead guitar, Alex Already-His-Alias Bone on drums, Les Moore, more or less on keyboards, and even Mick Zano will be there, jamming out on the triangle, tambourine and/or cowbell. Tickets are $85 through Ticketgon or completely free at the door #BYOLGBTQ. Don’t void where prohibited as you could be arrested.

Chinese Space Mission Discovers Waters On The Moon!

Dark Side of the Moon—A Chinese rover has sent back the first images from the dark side of the moon and they are, well, pretty much what rock & roll fans all expected. The mission has proven, once and for all, there is Waters on the dark side of the moon. Yesterday, at 10:26 a.m. Beijing time, the Chinese spacecraft Chang’e 4 landed in an area on the lunar surface somewhere between the Sea of Tranquility and the hood  The Chinese probe then deployed a rover that soon sent back the first images along with an eerie, tangential message, “Set the controls for the heart of the sun. Interstellar overdrive one of these days, Pigs! … Is there anybody out there? Mother? Nobody home? Wish you were here, Animals. There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact it’s all dark…”

How Republicans Weaponized Technicalities For Both Offense And Defense

While Muellering the latest Russia-probe developments somewhere in Page, AZ, the above headline suddenly Stzrok me. This is at the heart of the problem with our debates, Pokey. Not my groaners, but the fact it’s always Serious Criminality v Fictional Technicality. We have had serious scandals in recent history, so why focus on the Benghazi Chronicles? No one ever said, I bet Hillary is mishandling her emails so let’s investigate. Republicans simply scrutinized every aspect of Hillary’s life in search of their coveted ‘technicality’. This is at the heart of today’s attack on the Mueller probe as well. The Special Counsel will find some level of Trump collusion/conspiracy, aka the reason for the investigation in the first place, and wrongdoing will likely range somewhere between highly troubling to legally damning. But this is never the case rightward. From the right’s perspective none of that matters, because the investigation never should have occurred due to this aforementioned ‘technicality’, the relevance or legitimacy of which is always secondary. Any inconsistencies, no matter how trivial, convoluted, or incomprehensible will suffice, so long as Fox & Frauds can use them to muddy those waters and avoid the very real indictments lurking at the threshold.

[Bo Diddley was a Deep One joke removed by the editor.]

[Winslow: Stop tailoring your jokes to the handful of Old Blues/Lovecraft fans out there]

Indonesian Volcano Claims Responsibility For Eruption, Tsunami, And Related Death Toll

Toosoon, Indonesia—Satellite images released by the Japan Aerospace Picture Satellite prove the volcano known as Anak Krakatoa was responsible for blowing its top last week and creating a wave of hostile H2O molecules bent on destroying everything in its path. Shortly after the release of the satellite photos, the volcano claimed responsibility for the vile, heinous and unwarranted act. Since the event targeted Indonesians living at or around the volcano itself many liberals are labeling this a hate crime. Yeah, very magmananimous of them…

Martha Stewart To Replace Ryan Zinke As Secretary Of Interior

Tweet Tower—President Trump has Martha Stewart slated to become the next Secretary of the Interior. The president signed an executive order today ending the nomination process, so Stewart may begin her new duties immediately. Choosing a candidate and confirming them can now be accomplished with one tweet as long as the president adheres to established Twitter character guidelines #ConfirmationTweeting. President Trump told the press today, “It’s going to be easier this way, for me. But Martha’s the best person for the job. She’ll make the interior all color-coordinated and maybe provide the country with some matching throw pillows. I can’t wait to see what she does with the place. She also comes with her own lawyers and her own rap sheet, so she’s way ahead of most of my other peeps. We call that “Trump ready.” Hey, we said on the application, knowledge of the legal system a plus.”