In the wake of Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ effort to “take a bite out of crime”, the use of K9-assisted arrests has risen sharply in 2017. Many are blaming our nation’s increase in dogular related injuries on the Trump Administration’s appointment of McGruff the Crime Dog to head the Department of Dog-Bone Minority. The Department of Injustice is disturbed by recent arrest statistics, which seem to indicate very little incident-to-race bias whatsoever. Experts believe the inherent color blindness of our canine law enforcement officers may be the barrier to munching on more Mexicans.
Washington—Attorney General Jeff Sessions attended a scheduled committee meeting today toting a Bee Gees lunch box. Those close to Mr. Sessions are wondering whether this is a message to his staff that he is ah-ah-ah-ah Stayin’ Alive, or if he just has really shitty taste in retro music. One staffer believes it’s a cue directly aimed at her, as the Bee Gees’ song More Than A Woman is “their song”, or at least he has repeated that claim to her during Session sessions, which resemble a 50 Shades of Gandalf the Grey kind of thing as performed by the Burlesque Bilbo Bobbitt Hobbits.