The GOP: Time to Hide the Silverware

Mick Zano

In social site land I joined We Survived Bush. You’ll Survive Obama on The Left, and NewsBusters on the Right. It’s been really interesting to watch the GOP create reality faster than a video game programmer on crack. If you start with a premise completely devoid of facts, it’s fun to see where the argument ends up…usually in that magical alley near Hogwarts, or is it Outer Narniastan?

The GOP believes they’ve amassed tons of examples to support their claim that Obama is the devil. Unfortunately, about 90% of this crap doesn’t pass muster, or even ketchu. This letter of concern arrived from the Desk of NewsBuster’s head, L. Brent Bozell III. He is also founder and president of the “Media Research Center”, or the M.R. Center for short…bus.

I have turned this important letter into a mock interview. Enjoy.

Bozell: Throughout the very long presidential election cycle, two trends remained consistent. The media lauded Obama no matter how horrendous his record, and they savaged Obama’s Republican contenders as ridiculous pretenders.

Zano: You didn’t even play the record! What about the flip side, Food Stamp Fever?! It’s bitchin’, bro! Besides, isn’t this really self-ravageization? which is a lesser known Freudian defense mechanism, like advanced repressive elephantitis. If the GOP were one of my therapy clients, at this point I would be hiding the silverware. And, outside of the bubble, people understand something called historical context. The U.S. is recovering from the Bush global recession better than any other industrialized country. Oh wait, we don’t make shit anymore…er, so how about better than any McDonaldized country? Hey, I hear the McDOW is up.

Bozell: From the start of the Republican race in 2011, every candidate who took the lead then took an unfair beating. They even slimed Sarah Palin in case she decided to run. Martin Bashir announced she was “vacuous, crass, and according to almost every biographer, vindictive too.” Newsweek mocked Michele Bachmann on its cover, making her look pale, confused and nutty, with the headline “The Queen of Rage.” Politico and other media outlets tried to pin sexual harassment claims on Herman Cain without naming, or even knowing the accusers.

Zano: Unfair beating? The media was kind, too kind. These candidates were simply…well, here’s my joke at the time.

Republicans Still Seeking Likeable, Dangerously Incompetent Candidate
Republicans Still Seeking Likeable, Dangerously Incompetent Candidate

This is my assessment based their beliefs, their policies, their understanding of foreign affairs, and their ideology. I am not being duped by the liberal media; these people are simply clueless on any number of topics.

And here’s my diagnosis of the GOP:

Axis I: Cognitive Disorder NOS

Axis II: Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Paranoid Traits

Rule out: Fictitious Disorder

Axis III: erectile dysfunction

Axis IV: socioeconomic problems caused by numerous unfunded programs and wars, while supporting ongoing unsustainable tax cuts to the rich

GAF: 35

Here’s their recommended medications:

Haldol, Risperdal consta, Xanax…and then some more Xanax followed by a fifth of Jose Cuervo.

Here is their recommended reading list from some rare Republicans with brains:

Andrew Sullivan’s The Conservative Soul How We Lost It, How We Can Get it Back

Bruce Bartlett’s How George W. Bush Bankrupted America and Betrayed the Reagan Legacy

David Frum’s Conservatism that Can Win Again (because this shit sucks!)

Stephen Colbert: ‘Re-Becoming’ the Nation We Always Were

Mr. Spock’s Vulcan Logic and Other Things the GOP Doesn’t Get

Okay, okay, I made up the Sullivan one.

Bozell: The Washington Post killed trees to report, in earth-shaking depth, how the Rick Perry family had leased a hunting property where once, the N-word was painted on a rock, and never mind it was the Rick Perry family that covered it with white paint.

Zano: We kill virtual trees here at the Discord and the earth-shaking usually begins right after we huff the paint.

Bozell: Chris Matthews smeared Newt Gingrich, saying “He looks like a car bomber…He looks like he loves torturing.” Matthews thought Newt was also polluting the civil discourse. “Ever since he appeared on the national scene, politics has been nastier, more feral, too often uglier.”

Zano: That’s an insult to car bombers! I actually love Newt Gingrich. My thesis on Megalomaniacal Moon Base Miners would not have been the same without his keen insights.

Bozell: Then late in the cycle came the dark horse, Rick Santorum. He emerged and was slaughtered. Former New York Times editor Bill Keller sneered he “sounds like he’s creeping up on a Christian version of Sharia law.”

Zano: Yes, there are similarities between Christian fundamentalists and Islamic fundamentalists. Imagine that. Besides, by the end of his first term, Santorum would have made sweater jackets mandatory. Gasp.

Bozell: The only one who seemed to miss his own special episode of When Journalists Attack was Mitt Romney. But when he emerged as the nominee, all bets were off. The Washington Post published a 5,400-word “expose” documenting the shocking revelation that teenaged Romney just may have pinned a boy down and cut his hair. In 1965.

Zano: You missed the point, sir! 1965 was precisely when people were letting down their hair, and their morals. And his act did not only effect that boy, but his act symbolically Flowbeed a Nation! This incident occurred one year before Hair: The Musical. Romney personally tried derailing the Age of Aquarius in favor of the train of totalitarianism! Okay, I don’t know what that means either…it’s the meds talking.

But Romney was anti-hippie counter culture, anti-anti-establishment, and anti-elongated follicles. Under Nixon, he actually questioned questioning authority and, when young Master Romney got older, the best part of his ideology trickled down Reagan’s economy!

Sorry, I used that one before, but it gives me a Matthewsian thrill up my leg.

Bozell: Despite the news media’s infatuation with him, Obama rarely reciprocated. Instead, he hop-scotched from one flippantly unserious interview to another, from Leno to Letterman, from “The View” to “Access Hollywood.” When Obama did consent to interviews with “news” shows, it was more of the same, with embarrassing fawn-a-thons from Charlie Rose at CBS and Brian Williams at NBC.

Zano: Let me guess, you wanted them to ask him the tough questions….like about all the scandals the GOP made up? How about this: if Obama becomes involved in a real scandal and the main stream media ignores it, then you can bitch. Bitching first and spending all of your energy looking for scandals will do nothing to avoid the fiscal cliff. These are distractions—distractions with little to no merit…er, kind of like your candidates. Hey, that’s like connecting the dolts.

Bozell: Even the September 11 attack on our consulate in Benghazi, Libya – which resulted in the deaths of our ambassador and three others, and the subsequent, and ongoing serial dishonesty of this administration in its refusal to take a lick of blame for the scandalous lack of security, and the refusal to help the men in need — has been brushed under the rug to help Obama. The only man hammered on that issue was Mitt Romney.

Zano: Serial dishonesty? There was one word changed, the day of the attack, due to recommendation by the intelligence community…so serial? Could you imagine if Rice had ignored the advice of the intelligence community? What is your argument here, you senile old SOB?! Sorry that was for McCain.

Back to Bozo:

Have you heard the term projection, sir? An example of serial dishonesty is the run up to the Iraq War. Intelligence failure, my ass. When inspectors are on the ground pleading, “Hold! Wait! There’s nothing here!” and you bomb anyway, face it, you just wanted to kill people, you murderous incompetent boobs!

Let’s play a game: try to find a Republican axiom not built on a false assumption. So far I’m not very good at this game. It’s all delusion, delicately and lovingly sprinkled with bullshit (Flunkin Donuts?).

Bozell: This passage from Peter Baker of The New York Times says it all about Obama’s press avoidance all the way to Election Day: “Nor has Mr. Obama faced many tough questions lately, like those about the response to the attack in Benghazi, Libya, since he generally does not take questions from the reporters who trail him everywhere. Instead, he sticks to generally friendlier broadcast interviews, sometimes giving seven minutes to a local television station or calling in to drive-time radio disc jockeys with nicknames like Roadkill.”

How can you read that and not think journalism is roadkill?

Zano: I actually agree with this one statement (parade date to be set soon!). But that’s why I have been critical of Fox News and MSNBC for a long time. But how can you complain about the Left and not notice the worst offenders? How does the GOP invariably jump over the news to find the nonsense? Your own media and radio personalities make Lindsay Lohan seem well adjusted. I have given up on the GOP policing themselves, so soon there’s going to be a huge gap left by Republicans. The Grand Old Canyon? So, I nominate the Transcosmetic Party and their leader, The Ghetto Shaman, to lead us to a new age!

(Visited 103 times, 1 visits today)
Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.