Duck Dynasty’s Downfall: It’s Mallard Time

Pierce X. Winslow

So Phil Robertson, of Duck Dynasty fame, really stepped in it this time. In case you’ve been living in a swamp somewhere, the star of the world’s most popular reality TV show made a number of inflammatory remarks about gays and homosexuality. No, not the guy from Swamp People. That one’s different.

Such remarks usually ignite a national debate, though this one was more of a political food fight. First of all, why does this surprise anyone? Look at who you’re dealing with: lily white boys from the deep-south swamps of Louisiana, aka the poster-children for intolerance and bigotry. You know, real Americans, good Christian bible-beaters all. I’d be shocked and alarmed if they didn’t feel that way. This is like being surprised when W invades the wrong country or Bloomberg knocks a Big Gulp out of someone’s hand. It’s to be expected.

Why does anyone care what this guy says anyway? We shouldn’t give Phil Robertson any more credence than we give Pat Robertson. And at least Pat doesn’t look like ZZ Top gone Sasquatch. Just because they make a Chia Pet in someone’s likeness doesn’t mean we should take them seriously. Doing so just makes them feel important.

Lest we forget their rural and geographic handicap. Until this TV thing came along Jed and the rest of the Clampetts made their fortune making little devices to lure innocent ducks to their demise. And in order to pull off this major feat, they have high-tech camouflage and weaponry to blast these creatures out of the sky. Wow, blasting Donald and Daffy to oblivion; I’m impressed. How about you go toe-to-toe with an Orangutan, hand-to-hand? Granted you have the height and weight advantage but that’s set off by the Orangutan’s higher intelligence. I’d pay money to see that ape rip your arm out of its socket and beat you over the head with it.

And that leads me into the next question: how do the antics of these morons warrant a TV show? A&E no less. Really? This drivel constitutes Arts & Entertainment? Wouldn’t this be more appropriate for Animal Planet, the Military Channel, or maybe Country Music Television? Or how about Fox News? There’s a channel already filled with shit you can’t believe. What’s worse is this circus is one of the highest rated TV shows on the planet…Animal Planet. And people say our society isn’t falling apart. Oh, wait, they do say that. But if society is falling apart, these prejudiced moralists aren’t helping.

So, for Robertson’s efforts, the so called patriarch of this brood has been suspended from their show. On that note I have to say that I fully support his right to say his piece. That’s the very cornerstone of American democracy. As such, I am also allowed to say:

“F-off, you donkey raping shit eater,” or “blow me you testicle-shitting rectal wart”.

In fact, I can use any other South Park quote I see fit to plagiarize. This should not be an issue, just as with the 100 times it has happened in the last couple of years. As everyone is so adamant about pointing out, we do have the right to say what we want, except for the profanity and the decency censorship on broadcast television…

SHOW US YOUR TITS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happily, this is the internet.

I can do what I waunt, biotch.

The real backlash came when A&E suspended Robertson from the show. Everyone is in an uproar. The right crying “fowl”…sorry…for suspending him; the left crying “foul” because they didn’t cancel the show outright. Look, A&E is funding his show. The reason he was in that interview in the first place was because of that program. A&E has the right to do whatever they want with their show. Robertson may have the right to say whatever he wants, but he also has to be prepared to accept the consequences of doing so.

Will it be a full Paula Deen, or a mere Alec Baldwin? In the end, the final outcome will not be driven by political correctness, or free speech, or a moral basis of any kind. What it all comes down to is money. Which demographic does Arts & Entertainment value most, the mass of yokels that watch that one show, or the entire LGBTQ community who happen to watch the rest of their schedule?

Addendum: Just this morning A&E announced that the homophobe was reinstated and that the shooting (pun intended) will resume in the spring. Chalk one up for the real Americans, and one down for the betterment of society.

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Pierce Winslow

Pierce Winslow is the Discord's Brain, Chief Engineer and C.E.O. He co-founded the Discord along with Mick Zano in 2008 and they have both been sorry ever since.