I am aghast and, worse yet, wrong about something. I did not think Obama would dare take shots at the 2nd Amendment (pardon the gun). Do his suggested reforms sound reasonable? Of course. But who cares? You should never have hinted at gun reform, Mr. President. Now you’re going to have to pry shit from their cold dead hands. WTF?! This may be your dumbest move ever…well, besides your decision to not allow Texas to secede.

Dear Mr. President,

First off, I am an advocate of our 2^nd Amendment rights, but I agree some safeguards should be in place designed to help keep guns out of the hands of evil/crazy people, or as I call them, Republicans. But this is not your battle, sir. Fact: someday we will pass reasonable gun-reform legislation, but that day is NOT today. In the early twenty first century you are dealing with a slew of paranoid and highly armed infants. You are taunting a group clearly a few slugs shy of a full cylinder. That’s a gun joke. I had to Google that shit. I thought it was a chamber. Who knew? I think back to all of those Russian roulette sessions and wince. Cylinder, got it…

Your actions remind me of an old SNL bit, Don’t Taunt Happy Fun Ball. You, sir, are taunting Happy Fun Ball!!

Remember, this is a group who think they’re right on any subject, despite the facts, so why fan these flames? A disturbing false narrative has developed over the years and this simply feeds into it. Usually you have some master plan, but I don’t get this one. You walked into a trap set by morons. So what does that make you? Look, no one could have foreseen New Town…except you, of course, after ordering the operation. Regardless of your intent, even if you’re simply trying to enforce existing laws, it will be interpreted by our Nation’s crackpots as THE N***ER IS COMING FOR OUR GUNS!! I told ya’s, dag nab it. I told ya’s. An no sidewindin’ bushwackin’, hornswagglin’ cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter! fRABISh! Did you hear Charlie Daniels’ speech? Johnny rosin up your bullshit.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. Sorry about the N-word, sir, I just saw Django this weekend. Oh, and let Texas secede. Except Austin, of course, and parts of the panhandle where Interstate 40 runs through it. Thanks.

My biggest complaint about Barack Obama has always been his inability to read certain tea bag leaves. He seems entirely incapable of understanding the batshit Right. I have my PhD in that shit. Having to live in the trenches, I have a good handle on our country’s ailing zeitgeist. Since 2008 I have extensively covered the relative mental health of We The Prozac. I have a good feel for our country’s labile and anxiety-riddled emotional state. Oh, and it was a bad feel, not a good feel. Don’t worry, I reported it to Adult Protective Politics. Of course, we don’t fund that anymore in AZ, so they just told me to go someplace in mind when it happens and think of baseball. Oh, and for a good review of some of our cognitive dysfunctions check my old article here.

Meanwhile, Obama remains detached and aloof about the pulse of the Foxeteers, which is now fluttering like a moth on meth. Their reaction was entirely predictable (Pavlov’s elephants?). This is the only time it has made me wonder if he’s intentionally stoking the coals. The great uniter, purposely dividing? For what purpose? Is he just pissed off, or is there some kernel of truth on the batshitsville side of life? The thought makes me queasy.

I live in Arizona, where people are just coming to terms with the Dred Scott Decision…which, I tell ya, is a slippery slope to a black president. Mark my words! Speaking of frontier gibberish, have you heard AZ’s Senator Kyl speak? fRABISh!

On a side note, Obama also blew it on Inauguration Day. He needed to level with the American people. His Administration promised a full recovery by the end of his first term, when no credible economists thought that was possible. Of course, I know why they did it. Half the formula for our stock market has always been about bullshit perceptions.

“Do you think we’re doing well?”

“Sure, so go buy some shit.”

I can see why capitalism is so popular. And, of course, that’s been Fox and Drudge’s antithetical position. Let’s ignore any problem until the world economy is in a freefall and then let’s hinder the recovery with negative rhetoric so we can return to power.

Had it been reversed; if a GOP president followed this collapse, the economic news would now all be Everything’s Coming Up Roses in overdrive. Speaking of which, why aren’t we switching to Ethanol Merman? Sorry. I’m over my quota.

With a GOP president you would never hear a word about our deficit—just like Reagan’s or W’s silent spend fests (SSFs). Regardless, this is perhaps Obama’s biggest mistake. He should never have riled up a bunch of bullet happy bozos (BHBs). Or is it, bullet happy Bozells? Speaking of which, hey Brent, if the 2nd Amendment is about fighting tyranny, why not just allow guns during Republican Administrations? See how that would make more sense, er…in the same way you invariably don’t?

Then came the ultimate insult:

I am a great believer in the Zano political formula (ZPF), which pretty much states: pick a topic, any topic, and the Democratic solution is dumb, the Republican solution is dumber, and the Tea Party’s solution is the dumbest. This works for nine out of ten topics. For a recent example, the liberal idea of minting a trillion dollar coin is dumb. Many believe it would work as a nice gimmick in the short term, and I happen to agree, but for the long term it’s simply dumb. Republicans want an austerity-only approach, which by all accounts would immediately trigger a double-dip recession, aka, dumber. You have but to look to Europe to see how austerity-only plans are working. And then the Tea Party, not to be out-dumbed, wants to default on our debt as a nation in the name of fiscal conservatism. That is clearly the dumbest plan…by far. As usual, they are in a class by themselves (No Child Left Benign?)

This formula works on almost every issue, like magic…er, until now. On 1/12, I happened to catch Thomas Roberts hosting MSNBC Live. He was arguing with some gun rights advocate. The gun guy reviewed the three primary reasons our Founding Fathers wanted us armed, and then Roberts responds thusly (this is all paraphrased):

Roberts: So you want to take up arms against our military?

Gun Guy: No, it has simply always been meant as a deterrent. We have 80-million armed citizens in our country, which could pose as a deterrent should our government ever become tyrannical.

He then rightly used Afghanistan as an example of a country not easily occupiable, which you can’t refudiate is a word. (Did I mention this was paraphrased?)

Roberts: So you are now knocking our military’s engagement in Afghanistan?

Gun guy: No, that’s not the point.

Roberts: Well, the military has drones, so if you take up arms against the government, you couldn’t win. You would be killed!

WTF? That may be the single dumbest response I have ever heard on any news channel, including Fox, EVER. This anchor did not only fail to understand the Founding Father’s reasoning for our 2^nd Amendment rights, he is suggesting we, the U.S., have 80-million drones lying around to take out every gun owner during an uprising. It was an astounding exchange and it might singlehandedly bring about a tie between the batshit NRA/Nugents of the world and the batshit Michael Moore/uber-disarmers of the world. It was truly a sad moment, especially since over the years I have become more in line with liberal thought—primarily as a direct response to the profoundly embarrassing views and behaviors of the GOP. I know, which is totally irrelephant, right Groucho?

This is one of those topics where just about everyone seems to be wrong:

The NRA’s ideology:

“There’s no correlation between handing rocket launchers to the criminally insane and related violence.”

VS.

Michael Moore’s equally disturbing ideology:

“Who needs more than ten bullets to kill a deer?”

Er, besides Michael Moore? Hey…say what you want about Michael Moore, but he was the best James Bond ever—or was that Roger and Me?

I would like to think more people fall somewhere between these two rather extreme views, but I don’t. In one small poll, my Facebook friends fell entirely into either the Michael Moore (MMC) 10-bullets-a-week camp or the Ted Nugent arm-the-criminally-insane-to-the-teeth camp (TNC), aka, dumb and dumber. I can’t wait to hear the Tea Party’s view, but I fear even typing it might result in a fatal backfire. (Microsoft AK-47?)

Meanwhile, Obama and Biden’s rhetoric has only increased the guns on our streets. Nice job, gents. As I’ve said, this is a horrible time to attempt gun reform when you have so many, so paranoid, so fearful, so misinformed, and so ready to take up arms against a competent administration. Why not wait for an incompetent one? It’s odd, but when an idiot is in charge the GOP seems to relax and anxiety levels drop. Isn’t that paraFoxical? Sorry. The good news, it may be awhile before another Republican enters the Oval Office. Here’s why:

“I want someone smarter than me in office, yet the typical Foxeteer is always searching for someone dumber than them.”

—Mick Zano

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Hey, let’s hand the key to that big red button over to Sarah Palin and then they’ll all be well rested…er, right up until the giant explosions followed by the nuclear winter. Who can refutiate that?

Instead of ending with a Charleston Heston quote, let’s mix it up a little. Rock me, Dr. Zaius!

“The Forbidden Zone was once a paradise. Your breed made a desert of it, ages ago. If only people had listened to Mick Zano.”

—Dr. Zaius

Did I mention this was paraphrased?