Mexico City—Fourteen woolly mammoth skeletons were unearthed this week in a mass grave 25 miles north of Mexico City. Although archeologists estimate the remains were deposited over 15,000 years ago, this has not stopped president Trump from blaming Mexican drug cartels, the cast of The View, Adam Schiff, and Hunter Biden. The president tweeted today, “The archeorthodontist says it’s murder! Drug cartels are bad! Very bad!! We see none of that money. None of it!! Unless we can work out a Trump Tower Cancun deal or something, prepare for war! My generals are ready, Andres!! Besides, Hunter has the name HUNT in it! This had better be the focus of the impeachment hearings!”
Trump has also accused the Mexican government of stealing some of the mammoth remains from Mammoth Caves and/or the La Brea Tar Pits. “If my wall was already in place those things would have never made it out of the country,” said Trump. “And we could have used the ivory to make soap. Look, this is personal. My favorite character as a kid was Mr. Snuffleupagus, and I’m not going to stand for this crap, Mexico, and neither would Capitán Kangeroo!” Trump went on to say he would like to purchase Greenland from Mexico, even though they have explained repeatedly that they don’t own it.
Congressional Republicans are calling for at least one of the mammoths to be added to the upcoming impeachment testimony list.
In related news, Most Complete Snuffleupagus Remains Discovered In Northern Alaska.