Tehran, IR—Barack Obama may well be playing softball with Iranian nukes, but he minced no words as negotiations came to a close yesterday. Iran must sign up a minimum of two million of their citizens for the Affordable Care Act or face crushing sanctions.

“This is win win,” said Obama. “Iranians can be assured, not only of insurance, but of a minimum standard for healthcare. The ACA-Iran will also bring me much closer to my goal of six million enrollees by March 31st.”

Republicans are enraged. Many on the right feel mandatory signups for foreigners is unconstitutional. “Iran is not America,” said Ted Cruz (R-TX). “I just Google mapped it. Hell, it’s not even part of our constellation.”

Texas Governor Rick Perry also voiced his concerns, “There’s three reasons this is not okay. It’s not, as Mr. Cruz said, even part our constellation. Second, Benghazi and three….”

Mr. Perry is going to get back to us.