GOP Moving More Conservative? Whaah?

Mick Zano

Really? Moving further right? And here I thought some of the Foxeteers were starting to Google words like insight and reality. Oh wait, that could get you on the terrorist watch list. The good news is this: a shift to an even more radical conservatism means they will never hold power again. In that case, proceed Governor.

I recently posted an article wherein I pointed to some signs of life from the moderate republican lands, here. In retrospect, I should have known… 

Here’s the New York Times quote that triggered this rant:

“Fifty-four percent believe that party leaders need to move in a more conservative direction, while only 40 believe that they need to move in a more moderate direction.”

Charles Blow, New York Times

Where do they find these people? And let’s reiterate that old meme, what is the matter with F-ing Kansas? When you make less sense now than during the Bush years, umm…DISBAND!!! Hint: there wasn’t supposed to be a “down” from the Bush years (Barock O’Bottom?). On a good note, this may help prove the existence of other dimensions as identified in physics’ String Theory.

I’ve given up on the GOP. We’re probably better off when they’re inventing scandals, as opposed to implementing economic policies. You see, I don’t fear stories like “guy still dead on border” or “guy still dead in Libya.” I fear these headlines:

Ryan Plan in Effect

President Cruz Inauguration

Iran Nuclear Sites Hit By Israel

U.S. Ground War in Syria

Don’t like those headlines? Then keep republicans out of office, aka, let them keep doing their thing; it’s called imploding. To me it’s a beautiful, beautiful sound—unless, of course, you’re into unnecessary wars and economic downturns—in which case, they will be missed.

Why don’t republicans spend time researching the causes and breakdowns of the 13 embassy attacks under Bush? Hint: there were twelve more of those—just think of all the bullshit headlines! Hey, as it turns out, the Middle East is Dangerous: who knew? Here’s a list of all the well-handled Bush bombings as listed by Bob Cesca here.

January 22, 2002. Calcutta, India: Gunmen associated with Harkat-ul-Jihad al-Islami attack the U.S. Consulate. Five people are killed.

June 14, 2002. Karachi, Pakistan: Suicide bomber connected with al-Qaida attacks the U.S. Consulate, killing 12 and injuring 51.

October 12, 2002. Denpasar, Indonesia: U.S. diplomatic offices bombed as part of a string of “Bali Bombings.” No fatalities.

February 28, 2003. Islamabad, Pakistan: Several gunmen fire upon the U.S. Embassy. Two people are killed.

May 12, 2003. Riyadh, Saudi Arabia: Armed al-Qaida terrorists storm the diplomatic compound killing 36 people including nine Americans. The assailants committed suicide by detonating a truck bomb.

July 30, 2004. Tashkent, Uzbekistan: A suicide bomber from the Islamic Movement of Uzbekistan attacks the U.S. Embassy, killing two people.

December 6, 2004. Jeddah, Saudi Arabia: Al-Qaida terrorists storm the U.S. Consulate and occupy the perimeter wall. Nine people are killed.

March 2, 2006. Karachi, Pakistan (again): Suicide bomber attacks the U.S. Consulate killing four people, including U.S. diplomat David Foy who was directly targeted by the attackers. (I wonder if Lindsey Graham or Fox News would even recognize the name “David Foy.” This is the third Karachi terrorist attack in four years on what’s considered American soil.)

September 12, 2006. Damascus, Syria: Four armed gunmen shouting “Allahu akbar” storm the U.S. Embassy using grenades, automatic weapons, a car bomb and a truck bomb. Four people are killed, 13 are wounded.

January 12, 2007. Athens, Greece: Members of a Greek terrorist group called the Revolutionary Struggle fire a rocket-propelled grenade at the U.S. Embassy. No fatalities.

March 18, 2008. Sana’a, Yemen: Members of the al-Qaida-linked Islamic Jihad of Yemen fire a mortar at the U.S. Embassy. The shot misses the embassy, but hits nearby school killing two.

July 9, 2008. Istanbul, Turkey: Four armed terrorists attack the U.S. Consulate. Six people are killed.

September 17, 2008. Sana’a, Yemen: Terrorists dressed as military officials attack the U.S. Embassy with an arsenal of weapons including RPGs and detonate two car bombs. Sixteen people are killed, including an American student and her husband (they had been married for three weeks when the attack occurred). This is the second attack on this embassy in seven months.

To be clear, for our less than insightful friends on the right, I’m not blaming Bush for all these attacks, I’m blaming the GOP for….umm, whatever hay they are trying to make out of Obama’s numero uno. We could bring these other Bush attacks under scrutiny, but my time is valuable.

Of course, if we add all the American embassy attacks in Baghdad between 2001 and 2008, even Steven-fucking-Hawking couldn’t count that high. This never even hit my radar during the Bush years, yet a single attack with four dead—in tranquil Libya—is somehow Obama’s biggest scandal? Rrrrright. Oh I get it, we needed a land war in Libya to remove Kaddafi. That would have kept the death toll down, fer sure. Do you have any idea how much money we saved having a liberal handle our foreign policy for the last five years? Of course you don’t (I defer to Hawking).

Hey, that’s it! Obama only had one attack on his watch, which allows the right to talk about it endlessly. The trick is to have something go horribly wrong every day so the scrutiny is kind of lost to the backdrop of all the bombs and the bloodshed. Well played President Bush, well played.

Here’s the fatality score card:

Embassy Deaths

Bush: 96¹

Obama: 4

War in Iraq

Bush: 5,000 +

Obama: 0²

War in Afghanistan

Bush: 575

Obama: 1,576³

Domestic Terrorism Deaths

Bush: 3,000 +

Obama: 4

1. This is minus the Baghdad embassy attacks, because I have to be at work tomorrow.

2. I’m not attributing any deaths to Obama. He didn’t support this war and he ended it quickly. All deaths are on Bush’s and Blair’s hands. Macbeth quote omitted.

3. Bush took Kabul and left the real war effort for his replacement (admittedly Obama should have bailed).

Make no mistake, something could go horribly wrong tomorrow, but to bludgeon Obama again and again on his, thus far infinitely better record sounds a bit republican… Oh, and today, as I write this post, Senator Lindsey Graham said, “Al-Qaeda is on steroids after the Benghazi attack.” Okay, so what exactly were they on when embassy attacks were more deadly and more frequent? It must have been some really potent terror-enhancing substances.

Republicanism has become an illness, one I hope never goes airborne. Their version of reality makes no sense anymore to anyone but themselves.  If we keep them out of office, there’s hope for this country, albeit not much. The damage they have done, in my opinion, remains insurmountable.

Trying to create a scandal out of some sheer force of will says more about republicans than it does our president. Back in the day we didn’t have to invent scandals. They grew naturally right from the fecund soil of republican policies. We never had to look hard, or extrapolate, or ask questions like:

Doesn’t The President Realize Libya Is A Dangerous Place?

Can We Build A Wall Along The Southern Border Of The U.S. To Keep Libyans Out?

Ambassador Killed In Libya Still Dead at This Hour

Are Illegal Libyans Mowing Your Lawn, Right Now?!

Now they’re saying CIA operatives were on the ground in Benghazi at the time of the attack. Hold the phony, it’s from CNN! Okay, let’s find out what’s up with that. It’s stunning to me that the CIA has covert overseas operations going on. What next, cops brazenly donning badges and guns in public?! It’s an outrage.

Here’s a wonderful comparison:

Cheney starting the Secret Police who could pick anyone up anywhere, American citizen or otherwise, without due process and then torture them = being a Constitution-loving American

Covert CIA operations in a fucked up part of the world sworn to secrecy for reasons of national security = impeach!

I too would like to know what the CIA was doing there and if there was an opportunity to intervene in the embassy attack. Other allegations have thus far been “refutiated”. Today this remains a bullshit witch-hunt (BWH). Hint: let’s leave scandals and the questioning of pertinent people to journalists. Hint #2: you should get some of those.

As for Benghazi, thus far the only Fox headline that proved accurate was the day of the attack:

Embassy Bombed In Libya: Four Dead.

They should have stopped there. In fact, they should just stop.

Historians have their own top 10 scandals for U.S. history and, as of yet, no Obama “scandal” seems to rate. Currently out of the top 10 scandals in U.S. history 8 involved a republican president and a mere 2 involved a democrat. And the two Ds, well, let’s put it this way:

Republican scandals = screwing the American people

Democrat scandals = screwing (just screwing)

If republicans got laid more often maybe they wouldn’t be so unhinged. Oh, and three of the top 10 occurred during the Bush years:

#1. The Downing Street Memo (2002): Don’t remember the number one scandal in U.S. history? Of course you don’t. News from that same day over on Fox was: Is Iraq Really To Blame For 9/11?

#2. NSA surveillance program (2001): Check out the vintage on this scandal. And here I thought it started last week. On that day Fox News was covering: Why Are Dems Questioning Important Tools Needed For The War On Terror?

#5 Abu Ghraib (2004): On this important day Fox News was covering Benghazi. I know weird, right? But a naked Arnold Schwarzenegger arrived in a time bubble and told them to start the diversion now. “Come with me if you want to lie.”

Nice work, George, #1 and #2. Hey, republicans are number one! Yet they still smell like number two. Sorry, just trying to reach a level of discourse they can understand.  I don’t know why torture isn’t on that list, but I’m sure it will eventually be added.

Bush never said “stop talking about my phony scandals” because, as it turns out, they weren’t phony. In fact, they were all true and many had huge implications for our civil rights, our economy and our collective future. Obama scandals, meanwhile, have huge implications for the five people who died and their families.

I have read all the info on these Obama scandals and, I’m not defending the president, I just don’t understand them. Scandals require facts, not a series of nonsensical leads or open-ended questions. Now there’s a coordinated effort to remind us each day how these bullshit scandals are not bullshit. Why would you have to do that if what you’re saying has any merit? I would say these diversions are actually impacting the functioning of our government but HAH! The republicans already took care of that.

Speaking of which, Sullivan is convinced Republican “thought” can’t exist too long outside the bubble:

“And in the end, you do actually have to leave the Fox News studios and actually do the minimal amount to keep the government actually functioning. When they get there, they fall apart. The solution? A huge effort to throw these nihilists out on their ears in 2014, or to forge some kind of alliance between the Senate and a sane bipartisan majority in the House. The latter won’t happen if Boehner wants to keep his job. The former is deemed unlikely or impossible.”

—Andrew Sullivan

Aka, good luck with that. Liberals understand we’re in a decline. At least Obama gives lip service to the actual problems we face (despite his mixed record regarding fixing things)—again, I give you dumb and dumber.

No matter how bad the liberals get, the Republicans are likely to remain infinitely worse. I believe this is by design. Keeping one group misinformed while keeping the elite fixated on the train wreck, well, it’s a great way to keep everyone’s eyes off the ball.

I for one must admit to looking like a catatonic blogger with a tick disorder. I can’t seem to divert my eyes (Republer-necking delays?). Every day they say something more outrageous and less factual than the day before.

Luckily, the GOP remains hopelessly divided between the Tea Party folks and the worst rand of libertarianism (pardon the Paul). This is my Venn Diagram-version of the state of the GOP. I believe it is accurate. Notice how someone who can link the Tea Party to reality is still sorely needed.

Zano's Venn Diagram

It’s funny because it’s true. This republican schism is a problem. I believe both sides rather tenuous relation to reality is going to make it very difficult for anything but a continued GOP-nosedive. And today I’m okay with that. We’ve reached a point of absurdity on the right, actually we reached it long ago. Republicans break shit, block any chance of a robust recovery, and then bitch about our decline. This is not just my opinion; this is how history will judge them. Actually our decline will be a stairway—steep downward steps under republican power and a continued holding pattern under the Dems. Much is unforeseen, but thus far I see no reason to think this predicted trend won’t continue—well, barring anything unforeseen like:

Was Obama Lounging By The Pool With His Cell Phone Off During The Assault On Benghazi?

Fun Fact: during 10 of the 13 embassy bombings under Bush he was clearing brush. I remember liking those times when he was clearing brush. It was so much safer for everyone as compared to when he was on the job.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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