Flint, MI—Two years ago the city of Flint, Michigan shifted to a more fiscally sound and sustainable water supply. Unfortunately lead has now completely contaminated the water supply as well as the people themselves. The Governor of Michigan, Rick Snyder, is now scrambling to fix the situation and minimize the health toll. At a town hall meeting, Governor Snyder proposed the construction of a giant Brita Tower. He explained, “I have found a way to make this happen. By getting Mexicans to build this thing, we can create this important filtration unit, lower taxes, and then permanently deport the illegal workers to Lansing. It’s win win win!”

When asked what he would do about the existing health crisis, Governor Snyder said, “Remember, Getting the Led Out with Carol Miller? Well, I have friends at the same New York City radio station and she’s going to come here and play a lot of Led Zeppelin for us, which could help …in a way.”

Governor Snyder received most of the ridicule for his closing argument, which many are calling a stretch even by Republican standards. Governor Snyder explained, “Flint Michigan was named after the Flintlock mechanism, right? And these were the guns of choice back in the day. So, what did those things do? They filled people full of lead, remember? By poisoning our citizenry this is not only a celebration of the ongoing Republican disdain for clean air and water, but it’s also a big shout out to our historic Second Amendment rights. Was it not Charlton Hesston who once said, ‘From my cold, lead hands?’ Fuck yeah, he said that! Now I would like to announce my candidacy for President of the United States!”