Flagstaff, AZ—By all accounts they were doing great. The local band, Flag Beat, started off the set with something Simon and Garfunkley and, when the applause finally subsided, they banged out the jazzy sounds of old Jelly Roll. Then somehow the applause died off suddenly during the band’s rendition of Spandau Ballet’s True.
“I told my partner in crime there is no good time to play Spandau Ballet,” said Bart Newell, the lead Saxophone of Flag Beat.
Guitar player Mark “rocket” Deluca disagreed, “It wasn’t the Spandau. When we played True at nearby Bushmaster Park, we crushed, we had them eating out of our hands.”
Newell pointed out, “That’s because of the homeless population there. They didn’t like the song, they were just literally eating out of our hands.”
Deluca again protested, “I don’t know what happened. Maybe it’s Ebola, maybe it’s the whole ISIS thing, or it may simply have not been the right time for people to clap. Or maybe they all clapped too much in the beginning. Your hands can start to hurt after you clap too much and we get a lot of that. Look at the word itself, clap, it’s also an STD. Besides, clapping may be offensive to some groups or fly in the face of cultural sensibilities and that’s the last thing I want to be a part of. I stand by our performance and our song list. We are not changing a thing. Or some might find clapping a violent act; many feel it’s a gateway gesture. I don’t clap myself so I can’t judge others for not clapping.”
Newell added, “He’s got a problem (pointing to Deluca). I should have known when he tried to get me to watch Xanadu. This guy is turning into Yoko Ono on steroids. We’ve been through more bass players than Queen and more drummers than Spinal Tap and it all comes back to two words: Spandau Ballet.”
Flag Beat will be performing next week at Bushmaster Park in an attempt to regroup and return to “their people.” Sandwiches are available upon request. They are encouraging their homeless friends to stay as long as they want but clap as long as you stay, unless clapping is culturally offensive to you. Lead guitarist Bart Newell is making no promises about attending this performance as he is considering returning to his former band, The Armpit Salesman. “Those guys may all have the Clap, but at least they get applause,” said Newell.
The Armpit Salesman were unavailable for comment.