Scallywag Tavern—In a bid to clinch the Senate in the coming midterm elections as well as impress chicks, the Skull and Bones chapter of the Republican Party is working out a deal with the devil known as Mamook, a pod of the Migo, and the corpse of Michael Jackson. In a last dying gasp to attempt to hold on to political relevance they have hatched a truly diabolical plan. They aim to stretch out the Day of the Dead until November 4th, pardon the pundit. The Republican Reanimation Attempt to Take the Senate (RATS) is complete and they have that buzzzzz thing from Frankenstein’s laboratory.
I caught up to Congressman William Lynn, and he agreed to answer a few of my questions, as long as I let him sacrifice my dog. I let him as to quote Peter Sellers…that’s not my dog. My first question was whether these republications would be like the flesh-eating undead, as seen on The Walking Dead, or the really athletic ones on World War Z, or pretty much lame and pathetic, like the way republicans legislated while alive.
“We are already favored in the midterms but we’re not taking any chances. This may be our last hooray and we would be reaaaally glad to see Zano wrong about something,” said Lynn.
When asked if undead voters will A. be controllable and B. will be likely republican voters, Lynn said, “This is not an exact mad science. Sure some republicans will be devoured during the release phase but most conservatives will be ready, especially after passing recent Walker Your Ground legislation. When I look at the places we tend to get out the dead vote, they’re packed with unarmed Democrats, prime to be eaten. Hell, Colorado and Washington might not even notice.”
When I asked him how he planned to get the zombies to vote, he offered to show me and then pushed me off a cliff. Luckily, I am very tall and the cliff was very short. So after getting patched up, I phoned the Stalwart known as Jack Primus to help with this carnivorous conservative crisis (CCC). He was already aware of the problem and glad to help, if I plugged his latest novel on Amazon, here. I met him down at the Scallywag Tavern and, as we each let a few IPAs ease our wounded muscles, he filled me in.
“I got wind of the Republican agenda through a devil I was dating at the time,” said Primus. “I know, I know, dating a devil is weird, but at least we never danced. Besides, she’s really not too different than my last girlfriend. As for those necro-enhanced red dead staters (NERDS!), they are being reanimated through some evil spell with the help from the undulating maggots of doom, the Migo, up in the horrid rolling hills of Vermont. Right under Bernie Sanders’ nose!”
I asked about the constitutionality of such a practice and Primus said, “They claim the constitution is to protect after-life, liberty and the pursuit of brains, the way our forezombies envisioned. So naturally, I grabbed up and few throwing knives, my sledge, a six pack of woop ass, and headed up there. But yeah, there were like two hundred of them and they captured me. I was forced to watch Fox News while they cut my hair and forced me to drop my healthcare plan in the name of freedom. Then they started measuring me for a complete sweater and tan slacks ensemble with a matching flag lapel pin. I thought I was doomed.”
“How did you survive?” I asked.
“Well, I had a little weed on me, you know, just a pound or two. The Republidemons said they wanted to confiscate it, because that’s what the War on Drugs is all about. Then they decided to try it so they’d ‘know what those bastards in Colorado were up to.’ So they took a hit. Then they tried some more. Then they tried a little more. Soon they had switched the TV from Fox News to The Walking Dead, you know, just to get some ideas. While they were all zoned out on the couch I tried to destroy their Magick scrolls, but they had already torn them apart to make rolling papers. Mission accomplished.”
With the aid of liberal amounts of marijuana, Jack Primus stopped the evil Republidemons from destroying the planet or worse, winning the midterms. Well, that still might happen as the forces of evil are everywhere. There might be a moral lesson here, but Jack and I are still zoned out on this couch with all these evil Repulidemons. Send chips! And early voting ballots!