Milwaukee, WI—The Governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker, is trying to explain why he stumbled into a press conference covered in blood earlier today. Initial reports suggest the Governor entered the room clutching the still-beating heart of a known political enemy.
“I’m not sure what happened, but I do take Ambien,” said Governor Walker. “So it might be a sleep walker side effect thing. One thing I can say for sure, this is not a zombie thing. That’s a different kind of walker. I’ve watched that show. It’s gross. Screw those dead beats anyway, always looking for a handout, or just a hand. No, I kill for sport…no wait, I kill for other reasons more in line with The Bible and this great nation. Oh, and I still want to be President. Hey, but I did use a gun…initially.”
Walker is denying allegations that before entering the room he took a bite out of a heart that he allegedly tore from an unnamed political adversary’s chest. “That’s a lie! It was a kidney. I believe in the sanctity of cannibalism, I mean…I’m against the sanctity of cannibalism. When I am President I will have a teleprompter so this shit won’t happen, bitches. And, with the aid of a teleprompter, I won’t even be able say bitches, bitches. Wait, am I on The Daily Discord again? Those guys…I tell ya…look, I’m not excusing my unquenchable craving for human flesh but have you people seen the vending machine in this fucking building?”
Walker is also denying allegations that he’s passing incremental legislation to one day turn Wisconsin into a right-to-kill state. “That’s just ridiculous. If I governed from a border state then maybe I would snack on the occasional illegal, but I am way too far north for that. Besides, Canadians taste a little too back-bacony for my tastes. Is that word? I don’t know. To have a Canadian on the menu you have to be in the mood for that shit, eh? Again, I need a fucking a teleprompter.”