All Hail Tiger Woods

Dave Atsals

Tiger (the name says it all) Woods has been beat up, beat off, ridiculed, and fairly accused of doing what most men can only dream of.  To that end I say, All Hail the Tiger!  I know many are saying that these are despicable acts he committed that have caused much damage, but, in reality, everyone will be just fine (trust fund me on this). 

I know Mindy Laywton is still screaming his name.  She’s lucky, for it seems he took her on pro-bono.  (Remember Sesame Street?  Which one of these is not the other?).   After all, a drunken Tiger is not a bad catch for a waitress at a pancake house.   Better than I ever got…where’s my pancakes you toothless whore! (hat tip: Shappy).  Elin Nordegren, his soon ex-to-be, will end up loaded (and not in the drunk pancake house boinking kind of way).  His children Charlie and Sam may be impacted by this in the future, but, hey, at least they have normal names unlike most superstar kids.  Most of the child star phenomenon can be linked to poor name choices.  I’m talking to you Moon Unit.  Besides, neither of them has been hung over balconies, pricked by needles to establish paternity, and both will have a college fund on a NASA budget level. 

Tiger seems to be mirroring the life of his idol, Michael Jordan…perhaps taking the phrase I want to be like Mike just a little too seriously.  Jordan was also the king in his sport when he ran into gambling and infidelity problems.  Like Mike, Tiger is now taking an indefinite leave from his sport.  Some of Tiger’s sponsors may be hurt, claiming cost damages of 5-12 billion dollars.  Personally any company that has 5-12 billion to spend on Tiger commercials can handle the hit.  Besides, past sponsors like Nike, Gillette, and Gatorade will easily be replaced with new ones such as Trojan, Cialis, and Maaco.  Rumor has it, Elin is already working out a deal with Spalding to market a new driver called, The Smasher, with the campaign, so many car windows, so little time.

Take a look at some of the reported mistresses: our four waitresses, two from the adult film industry, two models and one cougar.  This tells me Tiger is not stuck on himself and does not discriminate based upon age, wealth, weight, or even looks.  In fact, it seems as though he is just basically horny and wanted.

These escapades are not surprising to me. The life of a superstar, much like a Daily Discord contributor, is not like the life of your average American nobody (AAN).  But let’s face it, everyone can’t handle temptation like a Catholic priest (maybe not the best example, but you get my drift).  Many pro athletes have a girlfriend in every city they visit.  Wilt Chamberlain, the first sport star to hit a million (and we are not talking dollars), had hundreds of women in every city.  These women are not victims.  This is what they wanted.  Just ask Ben Rothlisberger. 

But one question still haunts me:  how did a guy with the name Wilt successfully bed so many women?

This does lead back to the steroid question in golf.  The PGA has no drug testing policy in place, often sighting the fact that most competitors are fat and out of shape (obviously not steroid users).  Besides, if they tested for narcotics, pot, and alcohol, John Daily would be permanently barred from the tour.  Even Happy Gilmore may be forced out of the major tournaments.  They also believe theirs is a gentleman’s sport where they call their own fouls and trust their member’s integrity.  Tiger, after all, is a member of the firmest standing, thanks in part to the untested purple pill.  These escapades make me wonder, could he be using steroids?  After all, his gentleman image is now down the tubes and his new body-builder-like physic was not gotten at pancake houses while boozing.

To all of this I say, All hail the Tiger.  I imagine the new Cialis, “I Want to be like Tiger” campaign is already in the works.  It’s simple chemistry: 1 Tiger + one Cougar + two purple pills = one member in very firm standing.  And girls…do you have a little Tiger in you?

I need to shave, put on a skirt, and head out to obtain a minimum wage job at the local all night flap jack joint and wait for the call of the wild.

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