Crank on the Super Bowl

The Crank

The guys in the white hats finally won out over the guys with the black hats. Good has triumphed over evil, yet again. No, I ain’t talking about the final score, per se. I am talking about three particular players that had a lot to do with the score. And, believe it or not, one of these players wasn’t even in the game.  

My hat is off to Aaron Rodgers, for many reasons—not the least of which was sitting around in Green Bay, Wisconsin for many years (which I’m sure has its redeeming qualities, like cold, and snow, and wet, and, boring, and, well, being so chock full of northiness). He was probably told years ago by the powers that be that he should be content to hang around for a “little bit.” You see, he was the heir to Brett Faaaaahv-re (beans and a dry Chianti).

“How long can he last?” they said.

“One more season and he’s finished,” they said.

“Any day now” they said.

Yeah, well, that picture of Brett in his basement was getting older by the second.

So he sat around with his thumb up his ass, clip board in the other hand, waiting for Brett to die, for he knew he wasn’t leaving under normal circumstances. Finally the day came. The clouds parted, a light shown upon Aaron as the angelic choir sang. He was now in charge. Little did he know that Mr. Sexting should have quit then. Aaron was sure to be LMAO and LOL and even a little OMG. We all found out that Mr. Look-up-to-me-for-I-am-holier-than-thou was just another rich boy with more money than IQ points—complete with a last name that few can pronounce.  Oh, and less respect for women than he has for his Wrangler Jeans. He was now an official member of the Should-have-quit-while-I-was-ahead Idiots Club.

After working his ass off, who does Aaron end up against in the Super Bowl? Why, Mr. Perp hisself, Big Ben Where’s-da-white-women-at’ Roethlisberger. With even mo money and less IQ than Brett, poor Aaron must have been asking “Why God?” Even ex-Steelers quarterbacks and chrome dome Terry Bradshaw have no use for him, and even said so. When Born Again ex-Cardinal’s quarterback Kurt Warner said that Ben was not Hall of Fame material, we all knew his reasoning.

He was the one chosen to beat this juggernaut called the Steelers.  And he was the one to show Mr. Sexting that he spent one too fucking many seasons as a quarterback. And “the perp” had his ass handed to him on a silver platter. For those things, I am glad.

Oh, but perhaps more importantly, the commercials all sucked. $3M for 30 seconds?  That’s more than Jolie charges (or so I’m told).  The Discord only sends me a case of Coke once a year for endless entertainment?  By the way…where’s my Coke this year, Winslow? 

These companies should have rolled the money into cigars and smoked them for all the business these commercials will bring in. Madison Avenue at its finest. They are all more interested in the Clio Awards than what happens as a result of their follies.

Which brings me to my biggest pet peeve—no it’s not Zano this time.  No cheerleaders?  Really? What Mensa member made that decision?  This is home to the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and I gotta watch the dance of the drunken John Goodman’s?

 “Let’s just show all the fat drunk guys with their naked frozen bellies painted…yeah, that should do the trick.”  Hurp Durp.

Most watched TV show of all time?! Good. More people need to see good triumph over evil. Kinda’ like the opposite of Washington DC. I think from now on, in order to get a multimillion dollar contract, the players should have an IQ test. And we need to enforce the current clauses in these contracts with more than just a slap on the ass.


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