Maplewood, MI—Upon returning to his old middle school after several decades, 39-year-old Christopher Pollock of St. Louis Missouri was “shocked that the shit back in middle school was so small.” Mr. Pollock remembers things being significantly larger, from hallways to lockers to hallway lockers.

Mr. Pollock is not alone as a recent study conducted by Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Realty, suggests %83 of those who visit their old schools report a similar phenomenon, or what Dr. Hogbein calls past sizeular disparities (PSD).

Dr. Hogbein believes there are two possible causes for this highly prevalent anomaly: this is evidence of mnemonic cognitive shrinkage (MCS), which purports our memories themselves are actually shrinking over time to make room for more recent memories. Dr. Hogbein’s second theory suggests our world is slowly getting smaller due to an ever increasing gravitational field around the Earth, which Dr. Hogbein refers to as “the gravitational field around the Earth.”

“Of these two theories I believe the least plausible,” said Hogbein. “I believe a strengthening gravitational field is actually causing our planet to implode in on itself, much like the Republican Party of today.”