Monthly Archives: January 2009

Our Obama Wish List: Please Restore…

  1. My 401K
  2. My House
  3. The Constitution
  4. The Bill of Rights
  5. The Justice Department
  6. U.S. Torture Policies
  7. The Global Market
  8. The Arctic Ice Shelf
  9. Our VP office (preferably someone not perverted by a Sith Lord)
  10. Oh, and lose Fascism, but please stop before you hit Socialism

You have six months, bitch.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently read your book entitled Ten Spiritual Lessons for Drunken Clubbies, and I found it stunningly demeaning to women.

Sincerely,

Flo Petersen

Portsmouth, NH

Dear Flo,

If you think that was bad, you might want to stay away from the second book in my women studies series entitled Battery Operated Vibrational Healing. Just a word to the wise.

The Ghetto Shaman

$28.00

Dave Atsals

Can you pay $28.00 dollars for a knee brace sold on-line for $545.00 and feel ripped off?  I do, thanks to my last escapade with my son’s Orthopedic Doctors Office, and my insurance company.  Bring on government run health care, it can’t be any worse than this, I hope.

Please read this disclaimer before reading on:

[If you continue to read more of this article you may feel discomfort on the level of having a large non-vibrating instrument stuck up your ass.  You may also come to realize why your insurance rates are so high and why your Doctor, his accountant, every, and any, medical insurance agent, and of course the lawyers are all driving Hummers, and how we pay for them.]

I received a bill yesterday from my sons Doctor’s billing company for the amount of $28.00.  This was for a knee brace he needed due to some knee surgery.  One might ask, “So why does Mr. Atsals feel discomfort on the level of having a large non-vibrating instrument stuck up his ass?”

It is because of the first line which reads:

Charges Pay/Adj Bal. Due
$1142.00 $1114.00 $28.00

This is not a joke. The orthopedic office claimed $1142.00 from the insurance company for the knee brace which is on sale at www.braceshop.com for $545.00.  The insurance company then forwarded $1114.00 to the Dr.’s office and billed me the difference of $28.00.

On second thought it might just have been worth the $28.00 for the convenience of waiting a week for the doctor’s office to get the knee brace in and then being able to pick it up, instead of having it delivered, for free, right to my door.  After all if I paid for the brace myself and did not have the $598.28 taken out of my check for my insurance this month I would have pocketed $53.28 this month.  Hell for $81.28 I could buy Mick Zano a Hummer from his favorite Thai hooker.  (Note to Mick: 53.28 + 28.00 = 81.28).

Setting the Record Straight: A Daily Discord Apology

Setting the Record Straight: A Daily Discord Apology

Good journalism means owning up to one’s mistakes. Since our debut in September we have made precious few journalistic boo boos, but here they are in no particular order

Pierce Winslow

Chief Executive Officer

‘Smelly Pirates Captured by Indians’ Headline Should Have Read: ‘Somali Pirates Captured by Indian Navy’

On December 13th in New Delhi, India, the Indian Navy, not a tribe of bow and arrow wielding Apaches, captured the 23 Somali pirates in question.  Regrettably, as it turns out, the Tomahawk missile joke was not only offensive to Native Americans, but was also egregiously inaccurate—to say nothing of our Long John Scalper reference.  Our sincere apologies to any offended primitive redskins.

‘Sun-sized Twisters Appear on Earth’ Headline Should Have Read: ‘Earth-Sized Twisters Appear on Sun’

Sorry for the mass panic, damage to property, and loss of life.  Our official response to this fiasco is “oops.”

‘Indians land on Moon’ Headline Was Completely Muffed

Well, as it turns out folks, it was the country of India not Native American Indians.  The unfortunate “scalp some Martians, bitches” comment makes even less sense now, and is unfair to extra terrestrials everywhere.

‘Texas Cheney-saw Massacre’ Headline Should Never Have Seen Print.

Pierce Winslow takes full responsibility for this error. Whereas it is plausible that Vice President Dick Cheney would travel to Crawford Texas and hack the Bush family into sausages, to the best of our knowledge, it never happened (yet).

Putting the Mental Back in Fundamentalism

Mick Zano

Your assessment of fundamentalism is as flawed as your pal the ghetto shaman’s Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise (never again, by the way).  You insist that there are elements of traditionalism that are fundamental to our continued evolvement as a species.  Whereas this is inherently true, few, if any of these societal guidelines needs be legislated by our marred and battered legal system. What our laws need to focus on in the twenty-first century is mutual respect and mutual respect alone…you know, Ron Paul country.  If the spirit of mutual respect can be infused through our laws and our legal system (sorry, that’s too funny) then and only then will we retain this foundation of which you speak.  By respecting each stage and each level, and by allowing each individual to remain precisely where they are in the spectrum, is all that is necessary.  All the way from our Crank Manifesto’s orange/blue rants to our Ghetto Shaman’s…ahh, you know, I can’t actually figure that guy out.  By the way, the Ghetto Shaman has moved to Florida and is sending us his ‘column’ each week on badly stained bar coasters.  

Most of the traditions you insist on schlepping along, Mr. McDooris, have little to do with enlightenment.  Didn’t the Buddha himself abandon his family to become a carnie and then randomly killed young women for fun?  OK, maybe not…  You win that round, McDooris.  As for your other rebuttal: my personal ire for the Proposition 8 vote stemmed from the fact that so many people were motivated to overturn an existing law.  This is particularly disturbing when one views this vote from a historical context. Yes dear, our retirement plan has collapsed and, oh, the American way of life seems to be crumbling all around us, unemployment is up, and our neighbors are now homeless and hungry, but let’s take this opportunity to raise money to mess with the gays.  Our Crank’s argument, let them (Christians) have it, can easily be argued the other way.  Let them (gays) have it.  If you don’t believe in gay marriage Father Flannigan, stop frequenting those websites.  The retraction of that court decision would be a slap in the face for any group.  When I mess with gays it’s at a place called Peaches and Court and usually involves a very bad karaoke rendition of Mack the Knife (as God intended).

Pokey does have one very good point (besides the one at the top of his head).

You are very right about abortion. The rules surrounding abortion are too important.  Defining everything, in this particular instance, is crucial. Unfortunately, here’s the part where progressives tend to don their regressive caps.  The fact is, you can be a proponent of abortion rights and still realize that Roe vs. Wade was a ridiculous ruling.  Huh?  Yes, yes, black-and-white thinkers, I know—does not compute.  Study the decision and then get back to me.  I’m going to leave it at that.  I’m not in the mood.  Whether you are pro-choice or pro-life, it was the singularly strangest decision in American history—except maybe that time Dave Atsals was found not guilty of lewd and lascivious drunkenness.

The rest of traditionalism need not be legislated in any way.  These lifestyle choices will be decided individual by individual.  Granted, our collective trends may or may not destroy our culture, but our legal system can not, nor should not, be the champion here.  Mutual respect will allow the best chance of every person to achieve his or her best level of consciousness. Nothing else is necessary for our species to optimally embrace an integral worldview.  In other words, a hands off approach on the part of our legal system does not mean we will lose our ability to springboard your ‘project consciousness.’   In fact, it is a necessary ingredient for this consciousness soup you are brewing.  Speaking of brewing, why did that judge acquit Dave of lewd and lascivious drunkenness?  I mean, if you had been there…what else could one call that?

Bush to Cancel Obama’s Honeymoon Period

For his last act in office, besides doing number two in the middle of the Lincoln bedroom, George W. Bush has cancelled President Elect Barak Obama’s honeymoon period.

“I’m afraid he’s going to have to hit the ground running,” joked Bush to reporters on Thursday, “especially if old Dead-Eye Dick has anything to say about it.”   Bush warns that the transition may be unusually violent.

“Biden better watch his ass,” added Bush, “because the V.P. apparently refuses recognize the new administration, or anyone else for that matter.”  Washington insiders believe the Vice President suffers from something the doctors are calling Age-Related Executive-Expansion Disorder (AREED).  Unconfirmed reports suggest that Cheney will shoot at anything that approaches his property line.

In a phone call to the V.P. elect this week, Bush warned, “Proceed with caution…Dick really wants to remain head of Homelawn Security.”

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ghetto Shaman,

When you said you had ‘private healing sessions,’ I thought you meant you had a secluded workshop or something.  You sick bastard!  I feel so dirty.

I’m suing your ass!

Kristin

Dear Kristin,

All things done to your privates were done in the line of duty—except maybe the part with the snorkel.  Besides, I have no fear of lawsuits, young lady.  I answer to a higher authority…the Lycoming County Parole Board. 

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman.

THE CRANK MANIFESTO: On Al Cranken and Minnesota Politics

The Crank

DIE, DIE you Troglodytes, DIE.

There, I got that out of my system. Al Franken? AL FUCKING FRANKEN?

Failed funny man Al? Failed FM radio host Al? Failed radio fundraiser Al? Forty-nine fucking votes Franken! Are you people kidding me?  Senator Franken…Senator Al Franken.   One more time, all together…Senator Al Franken?  Are you people wood?

Aren’t you the same developmentally disabled constituents that elected a “wrestler” as your Governor?  Not a real wrestler, mind you, but anI’m not a real wrestler but play one on TV’ wrestler. Have any of you mangy middle-earth compu‘tards seen your wrestler lately? If Mel Brooks had waited until now to film Young Frankenstein just think of the money he could have saved on make-up and special effects.  He could have gotten Jesse to play the monster role for the price of two lousy neck-trodes! Poor Peter Boyle had to endure hours of miserable time in a make-up chair to look just like Jesse Ventura does now. 

Wait a moment…that’s it! Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction; let’s use the brain of Gene Wilder to balance out Ventura’s abby normal brain.  It’s perfect!  Now, what to do about Frankenwhine.  How many comedian brains would it take before he could shift to anything resembling center?  Franken leans so far left that he has to keep his driver-side window down to see forward.

Ultimately, I don’t have to live in Minnesota, so these elected pre-lymbric single-helix mutiods deserve each other. Franken, Reid, Pelosi, Dodd & Frank can join Ventura in a historic line dance rendition of Puttin on the Ritz for all I care. Every state has their loons, but Minnesota is like the eternal flame—the torch that all flying freaks seem to gravitate toward. What is it, the water? Something in the air?  What? 

I know, I know, you’ll leave the light on for me, right?  Keep burning that pyre high, bitches, and maybe some of my fellow Discordians will make that northward Midwestern Mecca. 

If only…