“You have to admit I dropped the ball bigly this year! The best ball dropper!”
—Donald Trump
Mick Zano
Mick Zano
Death Hints At 2017 Itinerary
by Mick Zano •
EU Makes Last Ditch Effort For A Third Obama Term
by Mick Zano •
Trump Flexes Muscles: Takes Down Discord For Four Days With Weaponized Tweet!
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President-elect Donald Trump, who is no way associated with President-elect Ass-Clown Hitler, has graciously allowed the Discord to continue publication. Mr. Trump did tweet some harsh words about The Discord’s recent handling of his smooth transition into the White House. He told the press earlier today, “Those assholes better step it up after my coronation, or else!“ Apparently, our first amendment rights are now contingent upon delivering fair and balanced fake news. CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow, has issued this statement, “Fine. Whatever. Please direct any and all lawsuits or drone strikes toward Zano. I can even provide his whereabouts for no extra charge.”
Trump Must Seperate From His Businesses! Remember The Last Time We Fell For Half-Blind Trust?
by Mick Zano •
Ozzy Agrees To Inauguration Gig: “Only If I Can Play ‘Crazy Train’ And ‘War Pigs'”
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President-elect Donald Trump has an offer by Ozzy Osbourne to perform at his inauguration ceremony in January. Trump met with Ambassador Osbourne and was reportedly “very impressed” with the scope and breadth of his knowledge of politics and music. The old rocker agreed to the gig, “if and only if” he could follow a specific play list, in a particular order: Paranoid, War Pigs, Crazy Babies, Bark at the Moon and Crazy Train. Ozzy told the Discord today, “I am totally F***ing (???? possibly stoked) about being asked to this thing in January. I hope that the ?????? allows me and mine to rip some ??????, ’cause that’s what it’s really all about in the end.”
Trump’s Intelligence Briefings Available In Large Print, Pop-Up, & Scratch & Sniff
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—The intelligence community is sparing no expense to find a more suitable method to convey sensitive information to President-elect Ass-Clown Hitler. Although many Americans report a strange comfort in the fact Trump is not reviewing classified material, there remains serious concern that he is woefully unprepared to navigate the political and military fortunes of this nation. Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates said, “At least George W. Bush was willing to have the intelligence briefings read to him over some hot chocolate and cookies. Sure he was napping most of the time, but the intent was there. And he would perk up with a question now and again, like: is Allahak Bar near Kanda Bar? Or, are we out of Reddi-Whip again?”
Zano Now Considered A Political Dissident: Fear Not! Trump Thinks Dissident Is A Denture Cleanser
by Mick Zano •
First Footprints Suggest Early Humans Were “Drunk As Shit”
by Mick Zano •
Ethiopian Pour-Over—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, has posited a new and controversial theory of human bipedal development. Dr. Hogbein explains, “Early man had either some piss poor balance or a high blood alcohol content. My research supports the latter. Essentially man was forced to walk great distances in the early Pleistocene, because the pubs of the time were so far apart. I believe bipedal locomotion itself can be attributed to the obvious benefits of standing during flip cup, chandelier, and several other early Australofraterneritus drinking games. We also know the precursor to beer pong was played with boulders, which may explain the extinction of the Neanderthals, who archeological evidence suggests preferred Quarters or Mexican.”
This Day In Future History: Trump Doubles Number Of Canadian Mounties Patrolling Our Southern Border
by Mick Zano •
In related news: Trump changes all GPS and road maps to reflect his understanding of direction.
