News & Politics

News & Politics

Archeologist Ignores Disembodied Call of Subterranean Old Ones

Arkham, MA – When a mysterious summons ebbed from a newly formed fissure in the Earth’s crust, Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Boutique, decided, in his own words, to “give it a miss”. The aged archeologist felt that climbing through the nethermost caverns to the ancient tomb of Yog-Sothoth in the heart of the deep-frozen city “just sounded like a bad idea.”  Hogbein asserts that the huge sinkhole formed in his backyard shortly after poring over a grimoire known only as the Necronomicon.  A tentacled god-like beast from unknown Kadath then psychically reached across the void and asked Hogbien if he wouldn’t mind tearing out his own throat and bringing him the ancient text, in no particular order. Hogbein reportedly apologized for any inconvenience, but denied the request on the grounds that he really needed to do some laundry and get to the bank that day. 

“I don’t know why anyone would wade down through the subterranean Black Lake of Ubboth when there are perfectly reasonable things to do around the house,” said Hogbien.  “Some people take this archeology thing a bit too far.” Although, to be polite, he did tell the monstrous inter-dimensional entity, “maybe next time.”

According to Hogbien the hole has since resealed itself.

When asked if he had any regrets about not climbing into what might have been the archeological discovery of a lifetime, Hogbien replied, “You’re fucking kidding, right?”

Sadistic Cryptozoologist Found Plucking Feathers off of Rare Spotted Owl

Modesto, CA — At a local nature preserve a sadistic cryptozoologist, Dr. Derek Twinge, was found plucking the feathers off of a recently discovered spotted owl.  Since the bird’s rescue, park rangers have affectionately named the owl Athena (named after the Greek Goddess of owls.  Wikipedia down! Someone help!). The forty-seven year old cryptozoologist is said to have incessantly tortured the bird with a pair of forceps and several Baywatch episodes over the course of the last several years.

“It’s just fun…the torture, not the Baywatch episodes,” clarified Twinge.

Dr. Twinge faces seventeen counts of animal cruelty, most of which can be attributed to the particular Baywatch episodes in question.

DAVID CARRADINE DIES IN HANGKOK, THAIHAND

Intercourse, PA – Our own Ghetto Shaman is contesting allegations that David Carradine, the former television and movie star, hung himself in an autoerotic- asphyxiation session gone bad.

“He just wasn’t like that,” explains the Shaman.  “Sure he made me wear a clown costume and called me his ‘young grasshopper,’ but otherwise he was a missionary-only man.”

The Ghetto Shaman sends his condolences to the Carradine family and is wondering if he might get his Blood on the Tracks Dylan CD back, “if it’s not too much trouble.”

Al-Jazeera to Broadcast New Bin Laden Videotape in HD?!

It blows the mind to think Osama Bin Troglodyting is able to switch to HD, but the American people need a hundred years notice. Who lives in a third-world country now?  I have been waiting, patiently, for a decade or more for movies and television to jive. Most folks will never realize why their three-thousand dollar home theater still isn’t the same as the movies.  Is it that hard, people?  If you are not prepared for this format transition by now, you will never be. The dumbest thing Obama has done to date, besides squander another gazillion dollar, ah, what are the Chinese overlords calling our money now?  Anyway, extending the deadline for the technologically challenged is pointless.  I am willing to bet my last yenpeso that Obama’s six courtesy months will yield less than a dozen converts nationwide.  I can appreciate people in destitutesylvania battling their aluminum-foil-covered rabbit ears, but it’s time to make way for technology, coat hanger boy.  Why should I lose 1/3 of the movie for most of my adult life for people who are never ever going to switchover, or even friggin notice?  Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to kickback with a cold one and watch the latest Osama Bin Laden video the way Allah intended

Torture:  It’s Not Just for Gitmo Anymore

Mick Zano

During my last discussion with the Crank over Memorial Day weekend, we did manage to reach the spirit of compromise in several key areas. We decided on Star Trek for the movie and Coke and Guinness for the BBQ afterwards, but beyond that…  We actually do agree on quite a few areas and can reach a compromise, of sorts, on other important topics (like appetizers and side salads).  The one thing we can’t seem to agree on, in fact, we both get rather heated when mentioned, is torture.  Torture is a completely indefensible position and the fact that we are having this debate for so long only shows how deeply the Bush/Cheney ideology has mired us in an amoral funk not unlike my sophomore year at college.  The Crank feels, much like Cheney, that we need to go to the dark side to beat these guys, not unlike my junior year in college.  On some level I understand the ‘24 scenario’.  A dirty bomb is being smuggled into Baltimore and the guy sitting in our holding cell knows when and where. Obviously, we need to get that info and, if real techniques prove fruitless, we would strain some of the Geneva Conventions, as well as a few muscles, to extract that information.  We just have to ask ourselves, what would a reasonable person do in that situation?  In this scenario prosecutions would be unlikely, but to base our laws on that extreme scenario is ridiculous.

If Bush had only bent the rules during the, aforementioned 24 scenarios, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, but limiting this program to those acute episodes were never their intentions.  Rumsfeld’s grubby hands are all over Abu Ghraib.  A few bad apples?  Please.  We have memos with Rumsfeld’s handwriting on them, memos that set the stage for the fraternity hazing party that followed. You have to be entrenched in the Republican cocoon not to see that.  Using this fear-driven ‘24 scenario’ the last administration made a mockery of the rule of law.  They applied Suskind’s ‘One Percent’ Doctrine to everything in all directions.  If there’s a one percent chance we can get usable intelligence from this guy, torture the bastard. Meanwhile, in Iraq we invaded a country illegally (getting more illegal every day), we picked up swathes of people (an estimated seventy percent wrongly), and tortured them all for Jesus.  I don’t want any part of it.  Accrue all the bad karma you want for your own stupidity, but leave me the hell out of it. 

Perusing the blogosphere today I found a quote from Abraham Lincoln on The Daily Dish that, in a nut shell, summarizes just how wrong the Crank is on this topic:

“Our reliance is in the love of liberty which God has planted in us. Our defense is in the spirit which prizes liberty as the heritage of all men, in all lands everywhere. Destroy this spirit and you have planted the seeds of despotism at your own doors. Familiarize yourselves with the chains of bondage and you prepare your own limbs to wear them. Accustomed to trample on the rights of others, you have lost the genius of your own independence and become the fit subjects of the first cunning tyrant who rises among you.”

Is Obama Lincoln or is he that cunning tyrant of which Lincoln warned?  Leaves to be seen, folks, and the blame clearly rests upon the shoulders of those who cheered on the dismantling of the rule of law.  

Torture is an affront to who we are as a people.  If the Archie Bunkers of the world want to bat it around over their pork chops, fine, but why are our elected officials still arguing about this publicly?  There’s no debate; it’s a disgrace. And if we continue down this road there will be nothing whatsoever worth saving.  Bin Laden wanted us to become a shadow of ourselves.  Apparently, he is much shrewder character than the neocon-minded among us.  We may well have a man in office who sounds eloquent and caring, but behind the scenes the fact remains: he is doing whatever the hell he wants. I remain quite skeptical that executive power has returned to normal.  The list of Bush’s transgressions has gone unpunished, not unlike my senior year of college.  In essence, this gives the green light for continued executive abuses. 

I do agree with the Crank on this: the rest of those torture photos should not be released.  I saw what Abu Ghraib did for Al-Qaeda recruitment and for our own morale, but, remember folks, the next attack is all Obama’s fault.  Set up a non-partisan investigation (Patrick Fitzgerald) and those investigating should review the photos and make their recommendations.  Here’s the bottom line:  our CIA is under siege, but not because of the libertards. It’s because of the gross incompetence of the former administration.  Now every tactic is going to be scrutinized and intelligence gathering is going to be made infinitely more difficult.  They abused their powers, weakened our intelligence agencies, and now these entities will be subjected to scrutiny that will impact their very abilities to prevent future terror attacks.  But, remember folks, the next attack is Obama’s fault.  The impact on our future is obvious to those paying attention.  They have weakened our military, our economy, and now our ability to gather information (via torture) and sharing intelligence with other countries (poor credibility).  Feel safer?  From day one the neo-cons planned to blame the economic collapse and the next terrorist attack on the Dems. Sadly, many will buy it. 

But libertards beware.  Obama thus far seems completely Pelosi-whipped. Whipped by the only figure equally frightening as Bush/Cheney (though in the opposite direction).  How did she get into this position?  Who slept through the interview?  What were the voters of California smoking during that election? Oh…never mind.  

“Nancy Pelosi is the best argument against medical marijuana”

– Me

Obama may well be avoiding torture to protect Pelosi. Depressing, isn’t it?  Obama is not exactly instilling confidence in a restored system, but is highlighting a whole other set of deficiencies.  He may well be protecting torturers for his ditzy, Frisco pal.  I told the Crank recently, Bush and Cheney tore off half the Constitution and now Obama may well tear off the rest. 

The first and second amendments have never been in more danger.  The self-righteous, liberal pluralists have less patience for conflicting views than any other group to date.  They will take your guns amidst very unsure times, minus the ability to keep us safe, and they will destroy free speech in the guise of political correctness and “hate speech.”   Obama had a clear warning to Sotomeyer critics.  Perez Hilton attacked Mrs. America for expressing her views…in America.  From now on you can have views, just as long as they are my views.  They will silence dissenters with all the gusto of the Gestapo. But, they are from a higher perspective, so why not call Gestapo’s Angels?

But, in the libertards defense, they have reached this boiling point because of the last decade of abuses.  There is a war on religion for the same reason.  People are sick of the revolting real world consequences of a fundamentalist belief system.  Their message is simple, leave the stupidity in the pews, peeps.  But from Beck and Cowan’s Spiral Dynamic perspective, let me put it this way: liberals are functioning from a higher perspective; start acting like it!  Growing up means taking on more responsibility, not sinking to someone else’s level and tactics.  This is why MSNBC will ultimately be more accountable than Fox.  They should know better. 

Most of the people who are championing this ‘higher perspective’ are actually fodder for Fox News.  The shadow side of ‘green’ is frightening and when you look in the mirror, if you’re not careful, you’re going to see Nancy Pelosi staring back at you. (I may not sleep for a week).

The Crank has said “I want them to torture to save my fat beige ass.”

Those first interrogators were given the green light to torture after these detainees were deemed compliant by the CIA (aka, cooperating), but when they failed to help connect the dots between Iraq and Al-Qaeda, Cheney, a shrewd and demented man, knew the best way to get a false confession was via torture.  So as it turns out, it’s not about the Crank’s beige ass after all. It’s about war crimes to defend Dick’s delusions (dDd).  Can’t you see what pulling the cork and letting the genie escape will do to us?  If you want to have the debate get the leading interrogators in the country to discuss this matter.  You will find that the majority of the most qualified professionals feel torture is not effective.  So we are losing our souls for bullshit.  Only a handful of paid-for Foxers will admit otherwise.  Torture only begets torture.  Now reread the above Lincoln quote again fifty times.  There’s going to be a test.

Proof of Jurassic Ark?

Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Waffle Shop, recently challenged the Creation Museum of Petersburg, KY, to produce “any shred of proof” to support their claim that dinosaurs co-existed with man.  A picture, depicted above, arrived several weeks later with a short letter condemning Dr. Sterling Hogbein, the Daily Discord, and, for some reason, the entire infield of the Florida Marlins. 

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, using his controversial ‘enhanced archeological techniques,’ conducted several tests on the image and claims his inability to disprove the picture’s authenticity “proves nothing save my own painful incompetence!”

How the Creation Museum’s picture is believed to support the notion that man and dinosaurs coexisted shortly before the time of Jesus remains unclear. The shadow of a toy dinosaur appears in the foreground of the image to the backdrop of a cartoonish figure, something in the Hanna Barbera family, possibly Scooby-Do.  Dr. Hogbein believes it resembles Freddie’s cousin, who only appeared in one or two episodes.  A second theory has surfaced which identifies the image as the lead male from Josie and the Pussycats.  “Our investigation is still in the preliminary stages,” explained Hogbein.  “We haven’t even ruled out Freddie himself, but the no-ascot-thing has us flummoxed.” Although the aged archeologist admitted that identifying DNA from an animated figure is “tricky business,” Hogbein remains hopeful that a positive ID will be discovered. Due to his recent ill-fated trip to the heartland, Dr. Hogbein is now suing the Creation Museum for the price of the entrance ticket, gas, and other travel expenses involving prostitutes.   Dr. Hogbein has added a severance package to his legal claim for hardships suffered during the excursion, or, as his lawyer put it: “being subjected to inner Kentucky for no legitimate purpose.”

Jurassic Ark?

Petersburg, KY—Evangelicals have wrestled with the mounds of overwhelming Bible-conflicting data that dinosaurs roamed the Earth long before Jesus.  To their credit, some of these Christianists have successfully married vast quantities of conflicting dogma. You can learn all about these stunning revelations with a two day pass to the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY.  The price tag is only $29.95, which is recommended, because it’s a lot of bullshit to swallow in just one day.  Creation Museumists posit that two of each dinosaur went with Noah on his fateful journey to Atlantis (OK, I never read the Bible, but I have rented Life of Brian twice).  The museum even features a saddled dinosaur that kids can ride, just like Jesus did (like Jesus would ever pay the cover).

Who could forget when Jesus said, “Blessed are the Meekasaurs.”

What compounds the Creation Museum’s Jurassic Ark Theory (JAT) is the recent discovery of some super-sized dinosaurs in South America, circa 100 million years ago (Christian translation = last Tuesday).  The average brontosaurus is about the size of four elephants, but Argentinosaurus was apparently the biggest land animal ever and was closer to one of those Lord of the Rings’ Olyphants.  To house two of each kind of these newly discovered monsters, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Humidor, estimates Noah’s Ark would have to be “really fucking big.”

Dr. Hogbein, most known for his anthropological binge drinking, also had this to say: “Argentinosaurus, no doubt, posed some engineering challenges for Noah that could only be explained by divine intervention.  Oh…”

Pelosi Deemed Too Stupid for Any Accountability on Torture

Washington, DC – Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is becoming further embroiled in the Bush/Cheney torture controversy as allegations continue to surface regarding her knowledge of the previous administration’s tactics.  President Obama is defending the Speaker of the House, claiming she could not have possibly known the importance of things told to her.

“After all, she’s an idiot,” explained Obama at a press conference earlier today.  “Her competence is strongly in question.”

According to a memo released by the White House this week, Nancy Pelosi asked only three questions during her CIA briefing on enhanced interrogation techniques.  Two questions involved the previous evening’s episode of American Idol and the third involved her predictions regarding the following week’s episode of American Idol.

President Obama then made the analogy: “You can’t blame Pelosi for torture; it would be like blaming Iraq for 9/11.”

After an awkward silence, Obama went on to explain how Pelosi’s only knowledge of torture is derived from the 1976 movie Marathon Man

“In Pelosi’s small and demented mind,” continued Obama, “no Sir Lawrence Olivier + no dental instruments = no torture.”

Sir Lawrence Olivier, quite dead, was unavailable for comment.

President Obama went on to say, “Look, you can’t expect someone to connect the dots with a broken pencil, no paper, and more air upstairs than one of those open double-decker buses.”

Dissatisfied with the explanation, our own Bald Tony asked two very pointed questions of the President: “If Pelosi is deemed too stupid for any accountability, isn’t this a slipper slope? Couldn’t the same argument then be made to protect Bush from any wrongdoing?”

President Obama dodged the slippery slope analogy by saying this: “Remember what Dick Cheney said to Senator Leahy on the floor back in ‘04?  Pretend I’m Dick Cheney and your Patrick Leahy. M-kay?”

Winslow: Discord to Return to its Glorious Past

Philadelphia PA – Today Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord, announced that the ezine would be re-running the best of their past postings in a new forum “Distinguished Discord, the Best Of“.

“We are very excited to release some of our best material in a single location,” said Winslow, “OK, the truth is that our writers ain’t what they used to be. Ever since the recall of their pencil-pens they’ve lost their direction; or rather found a new one: downhill. In order to make up for it we’re going to start pulling material from back when they were half decent; OK, a quarter decent. Apparently our stimulus package was less than stimulating.”

While Winslow denies it, Discord insiders report that a significant portion of that stimulus money was used to back a failed attempt to purchase the senate seat vacated by now U.S. President Barack Obama.

“Now, we’ve been over that,” answered Winslow. “Besides, if my staff needs it I can stimulate them myself.”

Trump U.N. Hotel & Casino

Located on an 18 acre east Manhattan site, the new Trump Hotel & Casino is set to open soon, or, as “The Donald” said “As soon as we can get the beds in the old offices, and the slot machines & crap tables in the auditorium”.

Using a new “United World” theme, the Casino will feature marble steps, gold colored waterfalls, and the same carpet, which is a gigantic map of the world, now has large 3’ tall gold “pushpins” wherever Trump owns property. The flags of nations lining the main entrance were replaced with the Trump coat-of-arms. The entrance to its new eatery, the World Peace Restaurant, now sports a sixty foot L.E.D TV screen with rotating pictures of hungry shoeless children and Trump Hotels to the backdrop of the dulcet tones of Louis Armstrong singing “What a Wonderful World”.

As for parking concerns around the new hotel & casino, NYCs Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said, “Now, we can actually ticket people who park in no parking zones!”

Kelly is referring to the long standing problem of “Diplomatic Immunity” and parking scofflaws in NYC.

“If you lost 16 floors of Trump U.N.,” said John Bolton, “now that would suck!”

For reservations, call 1-800-The-Donald.