Inspired by Mick Zano’s clarion call to fight back against an ideologically driven media, the Discord staffers rallied to the cause.  In a spirit of coordination not seen since their third senior bar crawl, the Discordians held protests in six different cities on April 25^th. Outraged by the media’s attempt to fragment our society, the mad bloggers took to the streets. Bald Tony walked along the Las Vegas strip with a sign that read, “Mick is Right!”  Pokey McDooris and Dave Atsals, longtime critics of the media, sat outside of McNama’s Pub in central, PA with nothing but two malt-liquor forties, possibly Big Jug Xtras, and a sign that read, “Tony’s Right About Mick Being Right!”  Only the sign was novel, however, as this was their usual routine.  At the designated time, the Ghetto Shaman staggered out of an undisclosed local establishment and vomited.  Even the Crank himself put a sign on his big red truck that said, “Fuck You!”  OK, the Crank’s truck always has that sign, but on April 25^th he added the exclamation point – for the cause.  Not to be outdone, Pierce Winslow wandered down South Street Philadelphia yelling something about the Zamboni Gypsies and Sarah Angelfire, our latest contributor, posted compromising photos of Mick Zano on her My Space page (which might be totally unrelated). 

“I think it’s time we came together,” said Zano. “In the true spirit of fragmentation.”

Taos, NM – Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Pro Shop, admits his recent version of The Bhagavad Gita contained one all important mistranslation.  Typically the Vedic words Tat tvam asi mean “thou art that.”  Dr. Hogbein, admittedly inebriated at the time, inserted an erroneous word creating the phrase “Tat tvam paikhana,” which roughly translates as: “Thou Art Loose Stool.”

Dr. Hogbein further complicated his mistake by repeatedly referring to Brahman, the godhead of Hindu mythology, as the great ‘paikhana-head.’ This blasphemy set off a veritable paikhana storm across parts of the already bitchy Indus Valley region.

One reader warned that any further affronts to Krishna and the “paikhana would really hit the palm frond.”

Hogbein defended his actions by adding “paikhana happens,” and then mooned the press to punctuate his point.

The aged archeologist has cancelled his upcoming conference in Paikhanastan for obvious reasons.

Philadelphia, PA — CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow announced his intentions today to retrieve all of the pencil sets that looked like pens distributed at this past year’s Christmas party.  The gifts were allegedly purchased with recently acquired stimulus funds.

“If my staff is going to bitch about everything,” said Winslow, “then they can type their articles with their own damn pencils.”

Mr. Winslow is said to be displaying increasingly bizarre behaviors.  He reportedly made rooster sounds in the middle of the interview and began hurling handfuls of the Discord’s office supplies from the agencies’ third-floor business suite onto some surprised motorists below. 

 “This is a sad day for the Discord,” admits the ezines’ Chief Vegas Correspondent, Bald Tony.  “And by sad, I mean typical.”

When asked if he would be honoring the mandate to return the item, Tony replied, “From my cold, dead…sure whatever.”

Philadelphia, PA – During these trying economic times, Chief Executive Officer Pierce Winslow is trying to do everything possible to save the Daily Discord as well as avoid further staff layoffs. 

“We have a great staff,” stated Winslow, “just as long as they stay in separate states and lay off the hooch.”  Mr. Winslow reflected for a moment, “All right, they suck, but they’re all we got.” 

After Mr. Winslow announced his intention to nix the crossword puzzle, a staffer pointed out the Daily Discord does not have a crossword puzzle.  Mr. Winslow became enraged.  He tipped over the water cooler, declared war on Canada, and shouted something about the Zamboni Gypsies.  After Mr. Winslow collected himself, he resolved to correct this oversight by starting a weekly crossword puzzle before implementing his initial plan to discontinue it. 

Philadelphia, PA—“Times are tough,” admitted the Discord’s Chief Executive, Pierce Winslow.

The Daily Discord tallied its’ eighth straight monthly loss in March. Complaints during this week’s staff meeting ranged from, “I gave up my job at the Circle-K for this?” to “I gave my job up at the 7-11 for this?”  The staff had a laundry list of complaints for Mr. Winslow this week.

“Morale is something nearing Abu Ghraib levels,” stated Winslow, “Er, the inmates, not the military.”

 “We got very little of the bailout funds,” complained Bald Tony.

“Yeah,” agreed Pokey McDooris, “just like good ol’ AIG, I’d gladly give back my bonus, but it was two pens that turned out to be pencils.” 

Mr. Winslow feels his staff is just a pack of overly pessimistic whiners.

“Besides,” said Winslow, “even before the recession seven out of ten Discord staffers lived with their parents.”

Tampa, FL – “We may have bitten off more than we can chew,” stated CEO Bernie Hamilton.

Only an estimated one-in-thirty Floridians are desperate enough to eat people wafers.

“We will need that number to double in the coming months to really make this a go,” added Hamilton.

The economy is not the problem.

“It’s failing just fine, but people are just not embracing cannibalism as quickly as hoped.”

The grizzly discovery of a fingernail in one of the popular Triple Ss (the Soylent Steak Sandwich) has not helped the company’s image. Mr. Hamilton remains undaunted.

“You can’t make people omelets without breaking a few legs.”

Solyent Green, Inc. maintains that the clipping in question was a only a Lee Press-on Nail and was not technically human remains. When asked if it was a mistake leveling with the American people about the main ingredient in Soylent Green, Hamilton had this to say.

“Absolutely not.  For those still unsure, SGI is offering Soylent shakes with only half the human remains as the wafer variety.”

This marketing strategy is hoped to wean people onto their products.  Hamilton admitted the billboard ads ‘Grandpa, the Other White Meat’ and ‘Flesh is Good Food’, may have been a marketing foible.  The billboards have since been pulled and the government funding is hoped to kick off the more sensitive ad: ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, So We Are Having X-mas Dinner After All.’

Wasilla, AK — Governor Sarah Palin told our own Cokie McGrath during an interview last week that she wanted to send a “strong signal” to the Obama Administration about his recent Special Olympics reference on the Tonight Show.

Governor Palin went on to say, “I resemble that remark!” and that the quote was a “tragedy to speds everywhere.”

When asked why she recently refused stimulus money for educating special needs children in her own state, she replied “I prefer those stimulus packages that go directly into those offshore accounts, for, you know, those CEO types who would vote for me. I find those Republican guys have the most stimulating packages.” 

When asked if she thought she was being a bit hypocritical, she replied “Hippowhatsas?  I’m not a doctor for Pete’s sake.”

Sarah Palin then winked, not because that was a joke, she didn’t realize the interview was not being videotaped.

Palin added, “I told you, America, you should have voted for me and Mr. Wrinkly!”

Washington, DC—President Obama told reporters this Tuesday, “The eye stays put.”  Obama insists his decision to keep the All Seeing Eye, currently mounted atop the Washington Monument, is not an attempt to maintain Bush-like levels of executive power.  The President adamantly denied allegations that the office has changed him.  He went on to dodge questions about using fear to push policy, his continued use of earmarks and signing statements, as well as his complete refusal to investigate the previous administration on any front.  President Obama then assured the press that he would only send armies of orcs and goblins to get the “bad guys who mean us harm.”  The change in the President’s demeanor has drawn harsh criticism from both Democrats and Republicans alike.  Some fear Obama may be unwilling to hurl the One Ring into the Fires of Mount Doom at the end of his term.  Obama received the One Ring only after it was bitten from, then Vice President, Dick Cheney’s finger by Rahm Emmanuel on Inauguration Day.

Baltimore, MD—Maryland is taking a proactive stance in preparing its’ citizens for what officials are calling Project Penniless Yuppie (PPY). In accordance with MD law, the city is holding several soup-kitchen practice runs for those middle-class Americans unfamiliar with soup-line etiquette. This somewhat extreme measure is only a precaution meant to aid individuals on the outside chance that some of Obama’s completely idiotic economic policies don’t work. Local flyers encourage participants to use Blackberries, cell phones, DSs, PSPs, Gameboys, and other handheld devices to pass the time during the average 6-8 hour wait for a bowl of soup (usually carrot, sometimes carrot plus). If and when you can no longer afford batteries for these devices, the flyer suggests some of the old standbys: talking, hopscotch, hacky sac, and random sex acts with the person in front of you. Historically, random sex acts are helpful endeavors for both the participants as well as those standing nearby.