Ghetto Shaman,

The Bible tells us God was Isaiah, God was Jesus, God was King Solomon, God was Jonah and the whale. God is present in each and every corner of this vast Universe, but nowhere, sir, do I see God present in you! You are a fraud and a crank!

Michael Barren

Fergus Falls, MN

Dear Michael,

Actually the Crank is the guy with the old gorilla at the top of his column.  I’m the guy with the half-eaten chicken bones around my neck, an honest mistake.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  It would take huffing three kitchens worth of cleaning products before I could understand how God could be both Jonah and the whale.  I will consider that a challenge, sir.  And I will let you know.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard you speak last Thursday at that symposium behind the 24 hour coin-op laundry place.  I even took one of your pamphlets, Everybody Have Fun Tonight, Everbody Feng Shui Tonight. And, well, here’s my question:  are masters and shaman reincarnated time and time again, like the bodhisattvas, or is it a one shot deal?  Your lecture was almost contradictory on this point and then, after you threw up, you were kind of hard to understand. 

Roland Parker

Newberry, PA

Dear Roland,

With me it’s never a one shot deal (just ask Pokey or Zano).  Look, the vomit is part of my communion after the great spirits. You’ve heard of speaking in tongues?  I call it speaking in chunks.  As for your question, indeed, a master can manifest into many bodies over many life times.  For example, last weekend I managed to manifest myself into three separate bodies.  Though, the last one I must admit was a tad on the ‘happy Buddha’ side, if you follow. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently read your book, Shamanic Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, and one passage has me perplexed:

I read the signs in the sacred fire; I entered the green reptile’s web; I prayed to the Walmart midgets in the forgotten passage; I danced amongst the bones of the Seven Rainbows; and I still made it passed the Dark Mountain for the final retrieval.

P.S.  Oh, and who are the Cross-dressing Guatemalans? 

Sincerely,

Jack Lavin

Beaver Dam, WI

Dear Jack,

Thank you for you patronage, one who dams his beavers.  The meaning of my work could not be clearer:

I read the signs in the sacred fire (I smoked some pot with Pokey); I entered the green reptile’s web (I had to pay a cover at the Bullfrog Brewery); I prayed to the Walmart midgets in the forgotten passage (I vomited in the alley); I danced amongst the bones of the Seven Rainbows (there was a Dead cover band over at the gay bar); and I still made it passed the Dark Mountain for the final retrieval (I made it to Carl’s Pub for last-call by sneaking around that bouncer who hates me).

The Cross-dressing Guatemalans usually frequent the, aforementioned, gay bar.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Hello, I am an attractive twenty six year old Yoga instructor.  I am striving for complete inner and outer harmony.  Striving seems to have led me into a blind alley for the moment.  Can you help me?

Pam Nystrom

Johnstown, PA

Dear Pam,

I believe I can.  Bend over, I’ll strive. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I must admit to being a New Age newbie.  What the heck is Chi?  And what exactly is a super cosmic chakra cleansing invocation?   I hear these crazy things bandied about in the course of my studies, but I must admit to being completely lost sometimes. 

Bobby Tonelli

Kennebunkport, ME

Dear Bobby,

(or may I call you Bobert?)

You must harness your Chi. You must cultivate your Chi.  At the risk of sounding like Dr. Seuss, Chi is the key, you see! You must make the Chi your pet, a Chia Pet, if you will.  As for the super cosmic chakra cleansing invocation, I use prune juice, a warrior’s drink.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Your attempt at a “sequel” to His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s The Art of Happiness is truly appalling.  The Fart of Crappiness is an affront to all Buddhists. Actually, it’s an affront to all people!  You have missed each and every major point of Buddhist mysticism. If I ever run into you in a dark alley it will be a true test for me to ‘harm none.’

Gary Kissel

Monroe, LA

Dear Gary,

Indeed, at the heart of all Zen lies a staggering contradiction.   I am such a contradiction.  No I’m not.  See?   Hope this helps. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Mr. Shaman,

My life has been a series of hardships.  I fight pain every day. I’m a burden to my kids…what is the meaning of life?  Where can I find some relief?  If I don’t get some direction I’m just going to take all my medications and be done with it!

Jack Guernsey

Garfield, NJ

Dear Jack,

You have reached the desk of the Ghetto Shaman.  I am out drinking, humping, or having profound spiritual insights with younger women (involving leather). Your email is important to me.  Next week if someone happens to ask the same question, I will be happy to answer it.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have studied the mystical path for over ten years and I am still riddled with anxiety.  I am worried people are going to find out my fondness for women’s clothing.  I try so hard to meditate, but yoga and tai chi just can’t separate me from my fears.  I have fears about the recent economic downturn, fears about my girlfriend finding out my secret, fear of, well, everything.  I need a Shaman.  I need your guidance.

Jack Mendelsen

Kenosha, WI

Dear Jack,

You are afraid of people discovering your fondness for women’s clothing, one Jack Mendelsen of Kenosha, Wisconsin?  I am sure your secret is safe (moron).  Look, self-transformation often involves a pair of fishnets and stilettos.  It does for me, anyway. As for fear…Just Stop!  Fear is the enemy.  Anxiety is crippling our society.  You must move beyond your fears.  The level of fear in the United States today scares the living shit out of me!  Hmmm, Living Shit the Mystical Pooh…maybe a book idea in there somewhere.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am focusing on raising my level of consciousness and bringing about an inner spiritual transformation. If I understand your concept of the Fifth Way, one should drink liquor often.  My wife left me and the only inner transformation thus far is one hell of a bleeding ulcer.

Wayne LeRoy

Garfield, NJ

Dear Wayne,

Good riddance to the bitch.  See?  You are already free to liver your dreams. You are starting to awaken.  Through a deep magic (and mixers) an inner transformation will change everything!  Except toilet paper; that is always a manual job.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently paid Pay Pal for one of your on-line ‘classes’ on Long Distance Healing.  I am physically very ill and money is tight.  To pay you over a hundred dollars, that I didn’t have, just to tell me to switch from Alltel to Verizon?!  There are peoples’ lives at stake here, you low life, bastard!

Phil Bower

Gilroy, CA

Dear Phil,

Don’t speak. I know just what you’re saying so please stop explaining. Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

…Really, dude, just shut the hell up.  The family plan on Verizon is much cheaper than the one you use.  You could use that savings to drink yourself to death.  Just a thought.

The Ghetto Shaman