The MacNama family of Gaithersburg, MD, is now eating seven to ten plastic bags every day in the hope of stretching their ever-shrinking grocery budget.  The bread winner of the family, Fred MacNama, feels “much better” since he started ingesting grocery bags.  Apparently, plastic bags are an excellent source of polyethylene, which one study, conducted by the makers of polyethylene, suggests is non-toxic and arguably roughage. 

“I am saving money, I feel fuller, and I’m doing something for the planet” states MacNama.

Scientists posit that if more people ate their plastic bags, digestive enzymes could shave nearly a century off of the estimated 1,000 year decomposition rate—to say nothing of the potential benefit to our population problem.

Is the Bush Administration once again ramping up its rhetoric to provoke a war with Iran? Bush denies purposely inciting Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and defends his recent statement to the press that the Iranian leader is a “homophobic camel-humping fascist.” Bush defends this statement as simply a term of endearment, like when he gazes into Vladimir Putin’s eyes and calls him ‘yum, yum bunny,’ or how he still refers to former Prime Minister Tony Blair as his ‘little Britzu.’

While stomping for crowds in central Pennsylvania earlier this week, Senator Obama clarified his unfortunate remarks made earlier in his campaign. “When I said that you Pennsylvanians get bitter, and cling to your guns or religion, I forgot to add drugs and moonshine.” Obama made it clear he wanted to set the record straight, “Many of you young redneck bumpkins are now a bunch of strung-out slack-jawed junkies, and I want you Bible thumping hickwads to know that when I’m elected president I’ll be in your NASCAR-watching opossum-eating corner.”