Washington, DC—Heroin addicts everywhere are protesting the Obama Administration’s decision to interrupt the flow of opium production across Afghanistan.

“Farmers everywhere should be able to grow whatever herbs, vegetables, or Oxycotton trees they see fit,” said Rush Limbaugh.

Chip “Chipper” Smith had this to say, “This will have unintended consequences for small businessmen across America.  Soon I’ll have to pay for government run healthcare and there’s not an ER within fifty-miles that will even let me the fuck in. Talk about the audacity of dope!“

Several dozen people arrived outside the White House to protest the military’s focus on curtailing Afghani opium production.  Most of their signs were not upright, however, and the group seemed rather lethargic.

One unidentified man holding a sign reading ‘Vicodin for Victory’ had this to say, “I think there should be…………………I think there.  They better not stop the opium production because…”  Upon waking, the man added, “I don’t think there should be…….”

The non-violent, some seemingly non-breathing, protestors plan to assemble again at this same spot tomorrow, right after the methadone clinic closes but before the pubs open—a time known to local heroin addicts as the Tweaklight Zone.

Rome, IT (or thereabouts)—Vatican officials, along with someone known only as the Albino Priest, have decided to “switch it up” for their next pope picking extravaganza.

When asked if the decision to use the ‘Sorting Hat’ from the wildly popular Harry Potter series might be deemed “way too f-ing Pagan” by some of the parishioners, the Vatican had this to say, “The gig is up, the cat is out of the bag, the fat lady is singing, and the altar boys are pressing charges. In no way will people continue to buy the whole ‘divinely picked thing’ at this point. Besides, it’s not like we haven’t absorbed some Pagan stuff before.”

The Vatican believes that “whatever they choose to pick the next Pope couldn’t be worse.”

The Albino Priest had this to say, “We hope to just incorporate parts of the Potter series into our faith. The Gospel of Dumbledore is due to release in June, and you can’t tell me we won’t gain some popularity with the young’ins with our Christ Church of Wizardry.”

As part of the deal, R.K. Rowling will be awarded an entire wing of the Vatican for weekly treasure baths.

“Rumors to divide the Catholic Church into congregations like Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, or Hufflepuff are just that, rumors,” said the Albino Priest. “Now if we could only get the sorting hat to stop picking Cardinal Snape.”

Vatican City, um, Vatican City – According to Discord sources, Jesus Christ, alias “Dave,” was recently issued a subpoena in the ongoing Catholic Church child molestation investigation. As the “Christ” figure in the “Vicar of Christ” moniker, he is being painted as the kingpin of an organized child molestation community.

“’Suffer the little children cum unto me [Luke 18:16]’? I think that says it all,” stated Hymie Fez, Chief Lawsuit Filer. “On top of that, he’s the guy that appointed that Pope…um…accomplice.”

At a minimum, the Savior is in grave danger of losing his position as hiring manager.

The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, did some seedy investigation and turned up some publicly known evidence. Apparently Jesus and his alleged father were behind a series of nine, mass ride-through slashings beginning in 1095.

“We also have him tied to some 278,000 counts of the sale of indulgences,” said Fez. “Imagine a guy in his position being stupid enough to get into petty number-running.”

The FBI, in conjunction with Interpol, are setting up a series of sting operations in order to capture this fiend. Every month there is a landslide of reports of pictures of the culprit in places like potato chips, cheese sandwiches, and insane asylums, but the Lord is proving to be evasive. This has led to the formation of vigil-ente patrols.

“We get leads from the media,” remarked  Wil Gettum, leader of the vigil-ente organization. “We hear that he’ll be in town every now and then. Cosmic alignments, comet-passings, and big-shit droppings all bring in a lot of reports. But he has yet to show himself.”

Until concrete evidence comes to light, the vigil-ente community will be spending a lot of time in church.

Warsaw, PL—The Polish Government released the following transcript from last week’s doomed flight to Smolensk:

President Kaczynski:  When is the last time you heard a really good Polish joke?

Pilot:  It’s been years, Mr. President.

President Kaczynski: Exactly.  So land the plane.

Pilot:  We can’t.  The fog…the control tower said—

President Kaczynski: We must restore the Polish joke to its original glory.  Just think of it!  We need to be known for more than just kielbasa.

Pilot:  Actually, the origin of the kielbasa is unknown, but it is commonly credited to all of Eastern Europe.

President Kaczynski: Exactly my point. Now…are all of our top military and political leaders on board?

Pilot:  Yes, Mr. President.

President Kaczynski:  Good, then land the plane.

Pilot:  Should I hit the control tower?

President Kaczynski:  Naaah, that’s a little over the top.

Pilot:  Not the way I fly (laughter)…so what’s the joke going to be?

President Kaczynski:  I was thinking, how many Pollock leaders does it take to land a—

(inaudible)

Washington, DC – To win the Global War on Terror, which the Obama Administration refers to as the Mild Mideast Squabble, Secretary of Defense Gates is requesting a radical approach.

“If the mouth of the Vice President could be weaponized, it might stop being a hindrance and become a key weapon in our fight against global jihadists.”

When questioned about unleashing Joe Biden’s mouth on an entire region, and if the collateral damage could be contained, Gates backed off.

“Someday, hopefully soon, there will come a time when we’ll never have to hear Biden’s mouth at all—and, of course, we pray that we’ll never have to use his mouth in such an insidious capacity.”

Officially, President Obama is refusing to comment, aside from these comments, “Having heard Joe’s mouth up close, it’s an intriguing idea.”

Obama did assure the public that, “We would only use the Vice President’s mouth as a deterrent, on par with nuclear weapons or old Baywatch reruns.”

Obama perked up when Gates explained how, if Biden’s mouth became weaponized, he would need to be moved to an undisclosed location and eventually stored within the bowels of Yucca Mountain. 

Biden responded by saying the plan for his mouth is “A big fucking deal.”

Philadelphia, PA – CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is furious with his editing staff.

“Exxon/Mobile? Really, people? Mobile? That was a headline!” yelled Winslow. “I am not responsible for the editing, censoring, and content butchery that you, our faithful readers, have come to expect from this less than stellar e-zine.”

Winslow’s plan to correct the ongoing proofing fiasco is to outsource the Discord’s editing needs overseas.

“Each article and cartoon is now going to be sent to an editing group from India, where they will undergo an intensive editing process before the material is returned to Philadelphia via carrier pigeon.”

When asked about keeping jobs in America, Winslow said, “Look, I tried using my contributors. They lose shit and, frankly, they’re incompetent. They have no artistic ability, no Photoshop skills, and English is almost a second language to them…and not because they know another language!”

The Daily Discord’s CEO intends to ramp up his War-on-Error and put an end to all radical exciseism by contracting out with the MOFLE Group—a band of Mercenary Overseas Free Lance Editors (MOFLEs).

“Besides, they’ll help me get rid of these lousy acronym jokes once and for all,” added Winslow. “The regular contributors are next,” warned Winslow. “It’s all part of the third stage in my India outsourcing plan. Don’t worry. I think you will all enjoy catching up on the latest Bollywood gossip. Did you hear Aishwarya Rai is pregnant with Apu of the Simpsons’ love child? Well, of course you didn’t, but that all ends today…that is, when the pigeon gets here.”