Washington, DC—The National Safety Council (NSC) has announced its intention to discontinue CPR as a life saving technique.

Dr. Bill Lynn, an NSC spokesperson, said, “I was an EMT and, I can tell you, putting your lips over some fat dying slob is awful.  The damn thing never worked anyway.”

Dr. Lynn prefers the Hollywood Method wherein you slam the chest a few times and then yell “Why, God why?!” up to the heavens, preferably with balled fists.

“The results are about the same,” claims Lynn.  “Besides, I never liked CPR, except maybe Bad Moon Rising.”

Lynn believes all of the CPR dummies can be shifted seamlessly into state representative roles. 

The NSC is now asking all hospitals to cease trying to revive heart attack victims and, instead, just go through their pockets for loose change.  The council was apparently inspired by “watching the Princess Bride, drunk, the other night.”

 “If you revive them then you have to pay for them,” said an anonymous hospital administrator. “No CPR = less hassle and less paperwork.  It’s about staying open during tough economic times.  We need to think about the taxpayer…and my pension.  And, as mortals, aren’t we just prolonging the inevitable?”

When asked about the Hippocratic Oath, he said, “Who sent you?” and then proceeded to climb out of a nearby window. 

Our own, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Mortuary, chimed in, “Hippocratic Oath?  What do those Greek pussies know?  Hermes flew around in his underpants for Gods’ sake.  I hate those guys.  When we have to shove blood through your system manually, aren’t we just enabling?  They’re dead beats…literally. Do it yourself, damn it! If you don’t have the motivation to keep your own heart beating, don’t come bitching to me when you croak.” 

When asked about his credentials. Dr. Hogbein asked, “Who sent you?” and proceeded to climb out of a nearby window.

Many across our green nation are joining ranks with Project Trash Police, one of the many new stimulus spawned career paths (SSCP)—jobs brought to you by the Monopoly money also known as the U.S. dollar. These Trash Police, or S.W.A.T teams (Sewage & Waste Authority Taskforces) are a group of green meanies set to root through all of your refuse for their own insidious purposes.  These Recycle Rangers may already be Sherlock Holmesing all of yesterday’s rejects through the use of highly sophisticated computer chips.  These sensor chips are designed to relay all of your recycling activities directly to Al Gore’s mansion!

Know your refuse or risk fines, jail, or torture!  Torture is officially legal now in America, so expanding it to include improper recycling habits is the next logical step.  Will the backlash of recyclophopia plague our society?  Mental health professionals are already seeing a spike in suicide hotline calls. 

“We get at least 10-15 calls a week now from people worried the banana peel ended up in the cardboard bin, or the type 6 plastic ended up with the type 1 plastic,” said Megan Forrester of N.U.T.  Counseling. 

Police are also reporting an increase in Hate Grimes, wherein people’s garbage is mixed up in the middle of the night as part of some sinister gang initiation practice.

Know your bins, people, because these S.W.A.T. teams are on the Gorepath. 

Did entrepreneur and Republican candidate, Donald Trump give the American people false information about his hair loss? Some believe he has created a hybrid-type double-weave comb-over from hell (HTDWCO). If this is true, and if he lied about it, does it have implications for his presidential bid?

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Salon, said, “If this is a cover up, it’s the biggest one in the history of politics and hairdressing!”

Hogbein believes Trump is guilty of improper follicular manipulation on an unprecedented scale. Donald’s supporters claim the Discord is literally splitting hairs (sorry, we were allotted one bad hair pun).

Hogbein, the unofficial leader of this Mirther movement and creator of The One True Follicle Theory is asking for proof, “If he’s got nothing to hide, why doesn’t he just end this controversy by allowing America to run their fingers through his hair?”

Many feel Trump is a hair loss denier. Still others insist if Trump wants to remain a viable candidate for the U.S. presidency, he needs to answer this Watergatesque question, “Where does it really grow and how does he blow it?”

Ask your doctor if Republican Rogaine is right for you.

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is proud to announce it has ranked itself the best website on the internet in 2010.  After some serious scrutiny, the staff unanimously decided they were best in all 247 pre-established categories.

“The naming of the Daily Discord as #1 is an honor of historical importance,” stated CEO Pierce Winslow.

Mr. Winslow made the trip from Philadelphia to Williamsport, PA last weekend to accept the foam finger award from the Ghetto Shaman.  The Shaman, however, misunderstood the whole foam finger award thingie and has “since been fired,” added Winslow.

 “We are happy to have won the foam finger,” said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath.  “I deserve some kudos for working with these f#%@ing  jerks for the last two years.”

The Crank told reporters, “I AM REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF!!”  Strangely, he even talks in capital letter sentences. 

“This is an amazing accomplishment,” said ‘Vegas Great’ Bald Tony.  “I am just surprised this is the first year we won.”

Later in the interview, Tony admitted to voting for http://www.gotahoe.com last year.

“It’s about going to Tahoe,” added Tony.  “I love Tahoe…what the hell did you think it meant?”

Edmonton, Alberta—”The Great One” has a new meaning today for hockey fans, as many are calling this Canadian tragedy the “fart heard ‘round the world”.   Survivors claim there was a grunt, a ptththt, and a massive explosion after Adam Pardy of the Calgary Flames slammed into Zack Stortini of the Edmonton Oilers during the second period of last night’s game. The explosion left 57 dead and hundreds more unable to make it to the concession stand for the remainder of the game.

Canadian newspapers have not commented on the civilian deaths but are worried about the three Oilers and four Flames who may not return for the final two games of the season.

“It’s a travesty,” said NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman.  “Calgary had a shot at the playoffs.”

The dead players are not expected to return, but the ones who only lost limbs are expected to play if their respective team makes the playoffs.

“Hockey checks, flames, oil, and farts are a volatile mixture. It’s worse than Bone, Zano, and the Shaman at an open bar,” commented Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop.  “This incident was just a matter of time.  It’s like playing with fire…and oil…and farts.”