Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord is proud to announce it has ranked itself the best website on the internet in 2010.  After some serious scrutiny, the staff unanimously decided they were best in all 247 pre-established categories.

“The naming of the Daily Discord as #1 is an honor of historical importance,” stated CEO Pierce Winslow.

Mr. Winslow made the trip from Philadelphia to Williamsport, PA last weekend to accept the foam finger award from the Ghetto Shaman.  The Shaman, however, misunderstood the whole foam finger award thingie and has “since been fired,” added Winslow.

 “We are happy to have won the foam finger,” said Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath.  “I deserve some kudos for working with these f#%@ing  jerks for the last two years.”

The Crank told reporters, “I AM REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF!!”  Strangely, he even talks in capital letter sentences. 

“This is an amazing accomplishment,” said ‘Vegas Great’ Bald Tony.  “I am just surprised this is the first year we won.”

Later in the interview, Tony admitted to voting for http://www.gotahoe.com last year.

“It’s about going to Tahoe,” added Tony.  “I love Tahoe…what the hell did you think it meant?”

These retractions continue to wear on me emotionally. I care about what we do here at The Discord. It’s important work. It’s God’s work…well, certainly demi-God’s work, or Demi Moore’s work. It’s work, for sure. Sometimes I spend days trying to turn the Crank’s string of expletives into coherent thoughts. I deal with a constant barrage of receipts from Zano and Bone for bar tabs, brothels, and massage parlors all across the southwest. “But it’s a haunted brothel, Mr. Winslow, honest!” Fuckers.

Our headline Iraq Wins the Stanley Cup! was obviously a heinous mistake. Jerry Lewis’s ICU Telethon was not our finest hour. We would like to apologize to JE-RRREY! and his family for calling his hospital room every twenty minutes trying to pledge enough to get the tote bag. In retrospect, interfering with medical care is just not funny.

Everything pales in comparison to our three full days of Cokie McGrath’s coverage while she camped outside of the Great Pyramid of Giza waiting for the Egyptian Parliament to emerge. What? I have to pay for this shit! If she could even learn to use Wikipedia as a fact checking tool it would be a vast improvement. Google it Cokie, Google it…fine, I will send you to a seminar on Googling.

Taos, NM—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Laundromat, fears that the surviving cast of the former hit television series, Taxi, is in grave danger.  He believes someone on the set must have angered a voodoo priestess, a Wiccan warlock, or some other diabolical dabbler in the occult.  Andy Kaufman, who played Latka thank-you-very-much Gravas died of a rare form of lung cancer in 1984.  Back then Dr. Hogbein was only just beginning to contemplate the possibility of a Taxi curse.  He thought about George Orwell’s book 1984 and Van Halen’s album of the same name. Eventually, he shrugged off his suspicions and continued his research on Midget Teeth Whittling.

“Conaway’s recent death made me sit up and take notice,” said Dr. Hogbein.  “That’s not always easy when one considers my age and my blood alcohol content.”

After palling around with the likes of Gary Busy on recent episodes of Celebrity Rehab, Conaway died of complications involving the palling around with the likes of Gary Busy on recent episodes of Celebrity Rehab. 

Dr. Hogbein estimates that, at the current rate of two actors per 26 years, the entire cast of Taxi will be dead within 104 years. 

“This is a conservative estimate,” added Dr. Hogbein.  “Sometimes there are synchronicities and serendipitous occurrences that actually defy mere chance—like that night in Vegas when I both won money and got laid.  The Taxi curse is kind of like that for me…er, minus the money and the sex, of course.”