Fox & Hagels: The Anti-Semitic Sandwich

Mick Zano

So let me get this straight, you’re blocking Chuck Hagel’s nomination because he’s smart and insightful? There’s really no place left in Republican politics for someone with such characteristics? Whereas it’s true that, off hand, I can’t think of many Republicans who have those traits, I didn’t think they were an automatic disqualifier. Fact alert: Chuck Hagel would make a great Defense Secretary and the rest of you would make great psych patients.

I know, I know, it’s been only five seconds since my last rant, but the stupidity is coming in at ludicrous speed…soon to go “plaid”. Chuck Hagel, once a Republican senator from Nebraska, was a rare voice of reason during the lead up to and during the Iraq War. He was right about a lot of shit when the rest of you were wrong. But why hold that against him? Oh that’s right, Fox is never having to learn from history.

Fox News: we want a Secretary of Defense dumb enough to start nation building in Iran, Syria, and Newark!

Actually, you can just follow this formula:

Republicans are against Hagel’s nomination = he would be awesome!

Works every time. I realize the GOP hasn’t figured out why they’re dangerously incompetent, but others have something called insight and memory. It took balls for Hagel to go against the grain when both R and D alike were lining up to make one of the biggest blunders in U.S. history. I’m talking about voting out Sanjaya for American Idol. What did you think I was talking about? I still believe, Sanjaya!

As for those who opposed the Iraq War, I remember Russ Feingold over in Wisconsin getting his panties in a bunch, then Chuck Hagel in Nebraska and then my favorite blogger, Andrew Sullivan. They were the scant few voices of opposition. I’m not sure the order is right, but that’s who I came to associate with “smart” in an otherwise vast neuron-free political wasteland (NFPW). What’s strange is two of the three of those men are Republicans. Weird, huh? Of course, even the two Republicans are not allowed in the GOP tent anymore, what with an IQ above a turnip and all.

Of course, the Hagel-bashing like almost any other rabid Republican attack is a farce.

“They (The GOP) have drawn a caricature of a supposedly anti-Semitic, terrorist-coddling, Iran-appeasing, unilaterally disarming, wildly liberal malcontent. It hardly seems to matter to them that none of those things are true.”

—Amy Davidson, The New Yorker

And you may ask yourself am I Right or am I waaay Right? And you may tell yourself, my god what have I done?! Sorry, the best way to deal with the media’s Talking Heads is to quote some. Speaking of burning down the House, when are we going to do that? Where’s Occupy’s Guy Fawkes when you need him? This aint no party, this aint no disco, I aint got time for that now. Wasn’t that from the song Life During War Crimes? Take me to the river and drop me in the water, because these psycho killers are on the road to nowhere. Sorry, I’m being told to stop.

Yes, Mr. Byrne. Sorry Mr. Byrne. I do understand copyright laws, Mr. Byrne. Geesh, who put sand in this guy’s Vaseline?

Dear Republican Party,

Please go away. If you haven’t been right about anything in nearly15-years, isn’t it time to find a new hobby, like whittling? or quilting? or BDSM? Meanwhile, how about we just change the locks on the Capital Building doors while the House is on recess?


Mick Zano

P.S. Try this at home. Ask a Republican what they think they’ve been right about and they’ll go, “er, uh, ummm, Obama sucks!”

Of course, the history books will say otherwise, but thanks for playing.

Finally, others are ratcheting up the rhetoric to match my own. Look, I don’t call for the disbanding of an entire political party lightly, but haven’t they done enough damage to the global economy and to the globe? The answer is, no; they will do much much more before this is all said and done. The need for the Republican Party to reform or disband has never been clearer. I would prefer at this point they just take off their tea bag bedangled hats and wander off. You know, like when animals know they’re going to die so they just crawl away somewhere and whittle.

“Republican politicians today have a choice: either change your base by educating and leading G.O.P. voters back to the center-right from the far right, or start a new party that is more inclusive, focused on smaller but smarter government and market-based, fact-based solutions to our biggest problems.”

—Tom Friedman, The New York Times

I usually limit my Andrew Sullivan quotes to a sentence or two, but I love this! I think every four years of blogging I deserve such an indulgence. Sure, it’s what I’ve been saying forever, but he’s really purdy with them words and stuff. Oh, there’s no jokes, so if you are one of our laughs-only-customers (LOCs) feel free to skip to my closing paragraph.

“Enough! Between the humiliating and chaotic collapse of Speaker Boehner’s already ludicrously extreme Plan B and Wayne La Pierre’s deranged proposal to put government agents in schools with guns, the Republican slide into total epistemic closure and political marginalization has now become a free-fall. This party, not to mince words, is unfit for government. There is no conservative party in the West – except for minor anti-immigrant neo-fascist ones in Europe – anywhere close to this level of far right extremism. And now the damage these fanatics can do is not just to their own country – was the debt ceiling debacle of 2011 not enough for them? – but to the entire world.

Those of us who have warned for years about this disturbing trend toward ever more extreme measures – backing torture, pre-emptive un-budgeted wars, out-of-control spending followed, like a frantic mood swing, by anti-spending absolutism of the most insane variety in a steep recession, vicious hostility to illegal immigrants, contempt for gay couples, hostility even to contraception, let alone a middle ground on abortion … well, you know it all by now.

But the current constitutional and economic vandalism removes any shred of doubt that this party and its lucrative media bubble is in any way conservative. They aren’t. They’re ideological zealots, indifferent to the consequences of their actions, contemptuous of the very to-and-fro essential for the American system to work, gerry-mandering to thwart the popular will, filibustering in a way that all but wrecks the core mechanics of American democracy, and now willing to acquiesce to the biggest tax increase imaginable because they cannot even accept Obama’s compromise from his clear campaign promise to raise rates for those earning over $250,000 to $400,000 a year.

And this is not the exception. It is the rule. On abortion, the party proposes that it be made illegal in every state by amending the Constitution. Torture? More, please. Iran? It should be attacked if it merely develops the technological skill to make a nuclear bomb, let alone actually make one. Israel? Leading Republicans don’t just support new settlements on the West Bank. They show up for the opening ceremonies!

Gun control? A massacre of children leads to a proposal for more guns in elementary schools and no concession on assault weapons. Immigration? Romney represented the party base – favoring a brutal regime of persecution of illegal immigrants until they are forced to “self-deport” – or rounding as many up as they can. Climate change? It’s a hoax – and we should respond by shrieking “Drill, Baby, Drill!” Gay marriage? The federal constitution should be amended to bar any legal recognition of any gay relationships, including civil partnerships. Their legislative agenda in this Congress? To “make Obama a one-term president.” Not saving the economy, not pursuing new policies, not cooperating to make Democratic legislation better. Just destroying a president of the opposite party. And, of course, failing.

Then there is the rhetoric. In just the last fortnight, House Republicans have asserted that secretary of state Clinton faked her recent fall and concussion at home in order to get out of testifying on the Benghazi consulate attack. And then the Weekly Standard quotes a Senate Republican staffer saying: “Send us Hagel and we will make sure every American knows he is an anti-Semite.”

Enough. This faction and its unhinged fanaticism has no place in any advanced democracy. They must be broken. But the current irony is that no one has managed to expose their extremism more clearly than their own Speaker. His career is over. As is the current Republican party. We need a new governing coalition in the House – Democrats and those few sane Republicans willing to put country before ideology. But even that may be impossible.”

—Andrew Sullivan, The Dish

I couldn’t have said it better myself. No, I really couldn’t. I failed English in high school and only took Composition in college. By the way, thank you Eileen Robinson for helping me pass Composition 101. Do you help with blogs by chance? Just curious.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.